How do you know YOU are in PAIN?

We have all heard hurting people hurt people. Well they also hurt themselves. Pain is one of those emotions that can easily be disguised and not properly taken care of; it WILL eat away at you. I encounter more people in pain everyday than I do anything else. And I always ask myself "Do they know they are wearing their pain on their sleeve?" Pain does not only come from relationships, which I touched on earlier. There are sources of pain so deep that you've been in constant pain since your childhood. I've been in pain and it is such an abysmal place to be. It’s time to get rid of the hurt and disapproval of ourselves. So today's blog is addressed to those people who may not know they are hurting. And because we are focused on positivity, I will follow each one with ways to combat it.
1) Something Terrible Happened: If a tragedy happens in your life, the pain is SOMEWHERE. Especially African Americans, we don't deal with deaths and disappointments but you did feel something and if you don't address it, it will manifest itself into every aspect of your life. You can't expect to be back to emotional green after some tragedies occur. Nobody is that strong, we weren't created to be. Get help, whether it is a counselor, a pastor, or a friend, talk it out. Do it for your mental and emotional future.
2) Everyday occurrences cause destruction: There are days when things go wrong. And when these things occur, you may feel like saying "Damn!" or kicking something. But when little things happening throughout your day always seem to summon a complete meltdown, you are in pain. That dude you can't stand saying something off the wall shouldn't elicit an outburst. Your car overheating shouldn't land you in the bed crying the rest of the day. If you always feel like: "If one more thing happens, I will lose it", there's something behind the veil you have not dealt with or dealt with properly.
3) You're constantly negative: Have people made comments to you like,"Dang why are you so negative" or "Hater!". If you get these all the time, chances are there is an underlying pain to your cynicism. There are two different types of negative people: Theoretically negative and Aspect negative. Let's start with theoretically negative people or people that think that as a whole the world is just a dismal place. People that are happy are said to see the world through "rose colored glasses." Negative people see through pitch black ones. Every situation similar to yours has to be commented on as if it were exactly like yours, am I right? The "men always aint shit" women, the "women are all the same" men, or my favorites: the "you just can't get ahead in the world" people. We all know them. Soon people will start pulling away from you. There's nothing worse than someone who you know will always answer your questions negatively. It may also stop your future friends and relationship from coming to fruition as well.
Aspect negative people are those people that are always picking on characteristics and traits in particular people. "Girl her hair is cute!"..."Nah she needs a perm and that style is outdated, did you know she's a ho?" Yeah those people. Usually this comes from a physical pain. Hint if you don't know why you say these things. The things you pick on in other people are USUALLY the traits you are most uncomfortable in yourself. Most people who are always commenting on other people being unattractive, usually don’t think they’re attractive at all. And that’s REAL. And if you are that negative person, your friends have noticed. So ask them, do I do these things? They'll tell you (Will they!). Seeing flaws in other people usually comes from a physical pain. Maybe you got picked on for being bigger when you were little and now bigger people get on your nerves. etc.
4) You are overly sensitive and paranoid: This one is the saddest ones to me and I know by experience. I've been there. The classic "everyone has planned their days out to make me feel bad" person. Someone doesn't call them back in 10 minutes and they go into convulsions like the person is laughing at them while their phone is going off. You hear your coworkers whispering and you automatically think they are talking about you. This pain usually is caused by some pain associated with your physical appearance. I'm not appealing because I'm too short, dark, big, etc. It makes you believe everyone sees you the way you see yourself. Like I've said before, realistically, most people don't care enough about you to conspire against you. I know you're saying: "Ashley, you're mean" Nope! When you get that in your head, it instantly cures paranoia. Think about when you're happy, how little you think about the average person around you. You don't. You're in your own little world. So are they. So buck up, your insecurities are in your head. People don’t see you the way you see yourself, Thank God!
5) You find it hard to be motivated: The "What's the point?" person is a real downer for themselves and others. Everyday is a struggle to get menial tasks done. This pain is usually tied to something spiritual or mental. You start to feel like whatever you do, it just is not enough to change anything. You have to be careful. This one can turn into full blown depression and that is all bad.
The Way to Stop it?
1) Find the Root: Be honest. The most beautiful people in the world have admitted flaws. Admit you don't like your hair or wish you could be smarter. It's okay. If you know what really hurts, you can treat it. It's like something on your body hurting; you can't apply Neosporin if you do not know where the cut is.
2) Kill IT: There is no one stop fix pain shop unfortunately, especially for the deep rooted problems. The best way to kill pain is to work on it. Whatever area you are weakest in find ways to make yourself stronger in that area. If one of your pains comes from being overweight, eat healthier, go to the gym, and buy clothes and accessories that fit and make you feel slimmer in the process. If you don't feel adequately smart, read books or try taking on a new language so you can be proud of your mental accomplishments. If you feel like the world is unfair, get closer to achieving a dream no one can stop you from achieving: find people to cut your album, apply to a degree program, or write a blog. :) Most "flaws" can be corrected by dedication. It also corrects that struggle to be motivated.

I hope this helped. I felt an urge to write about this so I feel like someone needed it. (I had something else planned for today). It’s just an introduction. Pain is a tricky thing but as usually this will start you down a more positive direction. More blogs on this topic to come. You are beautiful and undeserving of pain. That's my word. :)

- Classic

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
- Jim Morrison

Staying Sane

I truly believe today more than ever before the pressures of the world are back breaking. The cost of living is expensive, the cost of your future is expensive, and your past has more ways than ever to come back to haunt you. So in the midst of all the little things that tug on you, ways to stay sane are pertinent to know and to utilize. Here are some things that work for me.
1) Let Go: If you feel yourself getting stressed out or your plate is simply too full, let something or SOMEONE go. It is okay to admit that you are not feeling being superman/woman at the time. Cut back on some of your responsibilities in your clubs or activities. They'll always be there when you have more time to function. On the people end: some people are just stressful. I'm not saying they are trying to be or that it is malicious in any way.
A good indicator is if you feel anxious every time you end a conversation with them. It may be time to back away slightly. It was explained to me that your true friends will understand and even promote your overall new health. People that don't seem to understand or are always negative toward your change for the positive will probably not be lifelong friends anyway. Remember you are not helpful to anyone or anything if you have a mental breakdown.
2) Organization: Though it may sound cheesy, organization really is the key to your overall sanity. Not being organized gives the illusion that your life is entirely more complicated than it really is. My personal favorite is making lists. I make lists for everything and I check them off as I go. It reminds me that though I have many things to accomplish, I have already conquered alot. Not only do I make lists but I also label importance. It places everything in perspective. So even if you don't get everything you need to accomplished, and you probably won't, you will feel comforted that at least the big tasks were accomplished.
3) Reward Yourself: I've mentioned this before but it is so important. I am about to embark on a very challenging few months with my studies but the one thing that keep me sane are my birthday plans. Yes, my birthday is a few months away but as I begin to buckle down, that is a reward I know I will give myself. Knowing a reward is coming is surprisingly comforting and gives you a treat to work towards instead of the feeling that you will be working , indefinitely.
4) Find Your Calm: This is so important. Find things AND people that instantly calm you down. So when you feel your emotions attacked by the pressures you're facing, you already know where to turn. Think of them as knowing your emergency exits. When the fire hits, you don't want to be just trying to find door knobs so have these things in place when you know you are or about to go through a stressful time. Sip your tea, run a mile, whatever it is that you find. Also, have those people that are always inspirational on speed dial. Let them know in advance "You are so good at calming me down, I'm feeling really stressed. Can you just talk to me?" No Shame in that. I'm sure theyll be glad and even honored to have that place in your life. There is no way to totally prevent stress so know and have your backups ready.
5) Find Something to Believe In: Alot of negative press is given to faith but faith is a concept that I have found to help, not hinder your mental functioning. I have a strong faith in the Lord and it places my entire life on a big scale into something that makes sense to me. Therefore as I work and as trials arise, I have one big picture I can always lean back on. That keeps me sane. This isn't a religious blog so there are other big pictures you can put faith in: your drive to become successful, humanity in general, etc. Faith and Belief are cornerstones to not getting overwhelmed. So find something to wrap yourself around mentally and when things don't go the way they should, you will always still have that big concept.
6) Lastly to go with Belief is Perspective: Remember to always keep things in perspective. Alot of our gripping, complaining, and worrying comes from lack of perspective. Yeah, you probably could be doing better. Bill Gates could be doing better. However you could always be doing worse. Sometimes you have to stop and place your life in its approximate place in the world and move on from there. Proper perspective fixes a multitude of bad attitudes (narcissism, selfishness, Self esteem, ect.) and promotes WISDOM. So when you feel yourself going a little crazy, Count to three, drink some tea,whatever calms you and ask yourself "Is my life really so terrible that I feel so hopeless?" The answer is no. If it helps, read your religious text or just inspirational stories of people who still conquered it all and you will see your perseverance renewed.

Remember, to conquer the world, you must first conquer your thoughts. Your mind is one of the gateways to your entire life. Staying sane is a key to staying on top of the world. Hope this helps.

-Classic

Beauty

We're all bombarded by images that 9 times out of 10 look nothing like us but we are told to call them beautiful. Inner beauty, personal beauty, is no longer celebrated. Feeling beautiful is important to both men and women. As D.H. Lawrence so eloquently put it: "The human soul needs actual beauty more than bread.” It's one of the things we desire whether you want to or not. So here are some ways to achieve that feeling we all crave.

1) Make yourself the best you that you can be physically: Everyday you should be working on yourself on the inside and the outside. How you look is a direct reflection on how you feel and vice versa. They go hand in hand. So, as you work on being beautiful on the inside,work on your outer beauty. Please understand I am not saying go get implants or enhancement drugs but making yourself naturally more beautiful. exercise is an easy way to do that. It makes you more energetic and healthy in general. The healthier you are the more beautiful you become. Ladies, I enjoy my curves more than anyone I know but we should all strive to have a healthy body structure for US. Men, think about how good you feel when you can just walk around shirtless like whatever. Treat yourself to some beauty treatments. Get facials, pedicures, sauna time. Save up and buy yourself a new dress or a new suit. These are all instant physical confidence boosters.
2) Make yourself the best you that you can be mentally: Refer back to my staying sane blog. And adding on to that, gain knowledge. Participate in new activities you've never done before. Hang around people that stimulate your mind and introduce you to new positive experiences.
3) Make yourself the best you that you can be emotionally: Be Happy. Maria Mitchell said: “There is no cosmetic for beauty like happiness.” Someone who is emotionally unhappy can be seen a mile away. They're usually not pleasant to be around and their perspective of the world is negative. In short, being unhappy makes you even MORE unhappy. Downward spiral. So keep the drama out of your life and find simple things that make you happy. Happiness is beautiful and sexy on anybody.
4) Someone thinks you are beautiful: For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. Be around people that see your beauty. If you are around people that find a way to always downplay how handsome, beautiful, or special you are, GET AWAY FROM THEM. They are either jealous or unhappy themselves and those people are cancerous in your life and for your own beauty. If enough people tell you you are not something, you will find a way to make it true. Find a mate or partner that just loves what you look like. Your women should smile when she sees you coming. Your man should want to go out smiling because you are on his arm. Being around people that know your beauty helps you solidify it in your own mind.
5) Know the facts: Everyone struggles with their own beauty both inside and out. The models that everyone pines to look like usually see the same thing in the mirror that you see: imperfections. It's not just you that looks in the mirror and wishes your abs were magically there. Or see someone giving a million dollars to the poor and think, damn am I that good of a person. Inside and our people question themselves. If you know this, it wont feel so unusual to feel like you need to improve.
6) Spread the Beauty: Bring on the compliments. Tell others they are beautiful or that their clothes look good on them or that you admire their attitude or that their general style intrigues you. As you compliment others, you free your own appeal to grow. The ugliest thing on an individual is jealousy and competition. As you begin to see the beauty in others, you will see it in yourself. And that's as real as it gets.

“Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.”
Franz Kafka

-Classic

The Relationship Time Effect

Everyone has heard some story about how the slightest decisions in life can create completely different life patterns. Knowing this it always befuddled me how huge decisions in people's lives can be made without reflection and time considerations. So sticking with the 2009 relationship theme,we'll muddle through the Relationship Time Effect. Time is the biggest friend and foe that we encounter in life. In a good relationship, time is your friend strengthening and building your bond with your partner. But in temporary situations, the longer you are with the person, the more they can affect your life, in every way imaginable. Any and every relationship takes work and there is no real way to tell the extent to which a person will become important in life until they have actually taken that position. However there are some reminders I want to give my good readers so they won't waste their time:

1) Relationships no matter how big or small ALWAYS have an effect on you. They set the standard for relationships to come. No matter how temporary the person is, they can still wreak havoc on your emotional and mental systems. It is very important to remember that BEFORE any relationship is formed. Ask yourself if you want that person's influence in your life. I'm also guilty of the classic "I'm not trying to marry this guy/chick" speech to my friends, but regardless that man or woman WILL have an effect on how you will treat your future more serious relationships. Understand,experimentation is completely normal and healthy to a certain extent. But make your experiments QUALITY experiments so that even if they do not work out, you've learned some important discoveries. To put it plain, what is the point of dating a man with absolutely NO redeeming qualities? That's like going into the lab with an experiment with no importance to science and being shocked when your lab blows up and you've wasted your precious time and millions of dollars. (As you can see I'm getting ready for school again :) )

2) Don't hold on for dear life when your life is at stake. We all feel a sense of ownership with individuals we have been involved with. I know myself personally, the hardest thing when I get out of a relationship is not losing them per say but the idea that I will no longer be important to them nor they to me. I'm being honest and you should too. Many people are just together because they don't want someone else to get them and they don't want to be forgotten or unimportant. Remember the Butterfly Effect though. Each moment you spend with this person when you know it should be over is a moment stolen from someone else who was supposed to be in your life at that time. My mother used to always tell me: "God is a gentleman. He is going to let you do whatever you want with your life. We all have free will." So for all the people waiting for a physical push to get away from the person you're with, most of the time you will be sorely disappointed. You only get one life. Time is precious. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR AND YOUR PARTNER'S LIVES. And changing the flow of your life. Time has a way of making things happen. Joining of assets happens, KIDS happen, Emotional dependence happens. Especially with us ladies, we are programmed to enjoy and reward the time someone has been with us. If those aforementioned things scare you if they happened with your current partner, you're probably going to terminate the relationship at some point and have wasted precious TIME.

3) You have the right to know if you are wasting you time. If you do believe you've found a great person. Ask them questions. Don't be afraid to ask them what life time their on. When do they see themselves settling down? When do they see themselves reaching a certain level in their life? I'm shocked how many people don't have that conversation. It may be awkward but you will know what you are dealing with instead of waking up 3 years later in a relationship that you will eventually have to end. And trust me if you have to break up a long affair, you WILL be more bitter than when you started that said affair.

We all know the longer you stay with an individual, the harder it is to leave them. The more you have invested, the more ownership you feel, the harder the breakup, the less logistic it becomes. What people don't think about is the physical emotional and spiritual time you invested with the person. The longer you're with the individual the more they change you as a person. Don't let a right now person change you so much that your real partner won't recognize you when its time. Remember everything you do in life has a temporal consequence. You cannot spend the same time twice. Time is the most precious thing you have. Hope this helped.

-Classic!

New topic in 2010. Being the best woman or man you can be. On to Self-Growth. Stay Encouraged.

Old School Courting versus New School Talking

So as we come off of the good food and family time known as the Thanksgiving holiday, I thought a tradition blog would fit quite snugly into the mood. After dinner, I spoke to my grandmother about the state of the world. And she said something profound: just because its old school just means you'll get greater results today with a little tweaking. It got me thinking about relationships, particularly old school courting versus new school talking. So let's examine shall we? As usual I'll give you a couple of points to think about as your proceed through your regular scheduled programming:

1) Traditional courting had its worth. There was a method to the madness of taking a woman out, dating for months without attachment, then making a relationship ONLY if a true connection was felt. For example, taking a partner out on dates outside of each others comfort zones places both people in an equal state of awkwardness. The "watching a movie" phenomenon sets us negative views of each other and social dominance in the hands of whoever's house it is. It also makes the situation entirely too intimate. Both people are portrayed in a slightly negative light and it is not a healthy mindset in which to grow respect and eventually love. Dating for a couple of months without attachment allows the relationship to proceed at a normal rate of maturity. Letting someone into your life in a high role too fast makes you more obligated to stay with them when you shouldn't just to not disrupt the peace and structure of your life.

In this set up, you can date other people (one or two, don't go overboard) and get a feel for what you truly desire in a relationship, all while being honest to every party involved. Lastly, when you did decide to enter a relationship with the individual, all other strings need to be cut (do I need to say that again?) to allow proper breathing room for the new budding relationship you are now apart of.

2) Know the rules of your actions. Alot of people don't know some rules of the game they are playing, including me. So let me address a few game changers I have heard or experienced in the past. If these hurt a little, it's OK. We're growing.

"I pay for everything. Why do they not want to be with me?" - Money and love are not the same thing. In fact the person you are spending on is probably a) using you b) afraid you are trying to buy them off, or c) just do not respect the game you are playing. No one that is not married should be spending their rent checks on their significant others. And I sincerely hope you are with someone who would not ask you to.

"We had sex the first night we met. Can I build a relationship?" - My best friend and I call them "ho moments" and most of us, men and women, have them. But there are consequences. More often than not, a negative picture gets painted concerning your overall character (yes men you too) and a painted picture is HARD to wash off a canvas. Your partner may not feel as bad about leaving or cheating on you. So be ready for some type of backlash down the road or just take a ho moment like a champ and do it right with the next partner.

"We cheated to be together. Can our relationship make it?" - NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! Call it karma, call it God,call it Murphy's Law. You can't do wrong and get right.

"My partner cheated on me. Can we get back the relationship we had before?" - The answer is NO there as well I'm afraid. But understanding the circumstances of their cheating makes a difference on whether or not the relationship can make it. If you honestly feel like your partner made a poor judgment and you do not see a flawed character profile, you CAN build a healthy new relationship from the ashes of the old. But let me say this: most of us are far too young to deal with the drama of re-patching a relationship. Its like repairing a TV when you have the money in your pocket to get a new one. The new one will give you more peace of mind.

Now there are many other game changers but that's for another blog so let's keep flowing through this one. Now, once you've established a traditional relationship mindset, don't forget the following:

1) Take a break from being futuristic. In no other time have we had access to people, places and things we haven't seen in 10 years. I'm friends with two of my exes on facebook and I haven't seen them since we broke up. With all the potential drama in our technology driven lives, it's always good to just get away. Turn off your phones for a night and have a rooftop dinner or go to a cabin. Good old fashioned couple time is always a type of cement for a relationship.

2) Assess the true value of your relationship. A good woman or man is going to be a little more work but ALOT more rewarding. Don't get sucked into a relationship just because it's an easy arrangement where you do not have to do anything. Temporary situations can become permanent faster than you ever thought imaginable. Be smart. Ask yourself if you see yourself ending up with the person you're with. If you can't, why waste time like that? That's the equivalent of saying: " I want to be a teacher but umm I think I'm going to go to medical school, even though I hate science." Does that make sense? Well your situation shouldn't either.

3) Be courteous. It does not take away from being an independent man or woman to do nice things for your partner. I do not mean spending heaps of money (refer to earlier). If you know your partner's favorite candy, pick it up for them because they had a long day. If you're busy take some time out your schedule to just call and have a long talk with them. Learn a new recipe in their favorite cuisine style and let them try it. People have forgotten how far little gestures go. Its a sweet way to remind someone you are in their corner in a self absorbed society.

At the end of the day, though they may seem antiquated, old school relationship rules are great guidelines you can patchwork into new ways of dating. Food for thought.

-Classic

Random Question Series

Is love truly ALL you need?

REAL vs. FAKE Self Esteem

So this topic came to me in the middle of writing another blog. I had to post this first because it is extremely important to distinguish a real versus fake opinion of ones self. As of lately I have seen so many people obsessed with LOOKING like they are confident. However this is very different from actually being confident. So here are some questions to air out that emotional baggage you may be carrying about your self image.

1) Do I see beauty in being an imperfect human?

Almost everyday I scan my facebook and twitter pages to see how people lives are going. One thing that I find interesting is that some of my friends are ALWAYS posting status driven statuses (I know you like the wordplay :)). Now don't get me wrong I am not saying air out your dirty laundry via facebook or that there is anything wrong with positive emotions, but there is something real and refreshing about someone who paints themselves are a flawed human. There are going to be some days you don't feel like a don, a 5 star bitch, a boss, a diva, etc, etc. But it seems like even in their worst hours, people are determined to make others feel like their lives are perfection. If you are only comfortable faking superiority or posting pictures of how your life is better than everyone elses, perhaps you need to evaluate your NEED for this. If you fake it, you never will really make it.

Instead realize that some days you will feel more confident than others and on these days lacking that self assurance you can face your feelings and issues head on instead of submerging your feelings under things that really don't make you any better of a person.

2) Do I need constant reassurance?

Like any human, we crave attention and reassurance but lack of confidence is evident in needing constant reassurance. You know the people....that have to twitter "At the club with Person A"...."At the mall with person B"..."Here's a picture of me doing something crazy" . People craving retweets and status replies. Here's a news flash: if what you were doing was so much fun, you probably would not be thinking of how people on the Internet will react to what you are doing. Always needing validation leads to nothing but confusion and more self doubt. What happens when nobody seems to care about something you thought they would? Do your emotions free fall?

Instead try to lead the life that you want to lead, not the life you believe would get the most envious stares and gossip bits, because sadly most of those people are laughing at you not with you. Set a plan in action of where you want to be in 10 years and before you go act on a whim ask yourself if this is going to get you any closer to THAT goal. The best way to get people to notice is to be original, be confident, and be genuine. Those three are in short supply.

3) Do I like other people like me?

A lot of times people with low self esteem transfer their negative feelings about themselves onto other people who portray similar characteristics. Do you find yourself randomly disliking people? If so there may be something in that person that is mirroring something you do not like about yourself. Don't idolize people you are nothing like. That will always lead to self doubt. Instead find role models that encompass who are you and could grow into.

When we were all growing up there weren't many women portrayed that were brown skin successful women that weren't mean, controlling, or bitter. As a child my three chicks were Stacey Dash, Kenya Moore, and my mom. Stacey Dash usually portrayed a sweet quiet spoken woman. Kenya Moore was a beautiful brown skin Miss USA that excelled in philantrophy. My mother has the most strength class and wisdom of anyone I know. I started to really love being Ashley Kennedy and believed that I, just as I am physically and mentally, could encompass all those things. Love for myself grew leaps and bounds. Try your hardest to like people that look like you, have the same goals as you, think like you, and act like you. Who you REALLY are is to be celebrated. As you begin to love them, you in turn begin to love myself.

4) Can I be alone?

Now this is an interesting one a friend and I discussed. A little test to see how you really feel about yourself is to go home alone, sit down, and try to just relax in bed with no mindless television or music. If you can't face the thoughts in your head, most of the time you are lacking true self esteem. Most people keep busy so as not to face themselves.

If this is the case, then really listen to what you're thinking and feeling for those few moments. Let the insecurities creep in so you can find the root and destroy them. Lack of self esteem usually comes from ideas that aren't true to begin with:

"I am the only one that feels this way" - WRONG. Like Kanye says we're all self conscious and you're just admitting it.

"People have it better than me" - WRONG. 2 things always ring true: Life is what you make it and tribulations affect everyone. Every person has had a day when they are the fall guy. Today is just yours.

"People don't care about me" - WRONG. To be honest the general public doesn't care about anything. Most people on your friend list would not even notice if you didn't post for 5 years. And they are not being mean, people are living their own lives. However, you DO have your squad of people in your life that are your cheerleaders. Focus on spending time with the people that actually care about you instead of impressing people that barely know you are there.

Now doing these three things will not be an instant access to self esteem but it will get you in the right mindset to deal with any negative emotions you have. And believe me it is worth it to deal with some negative emotions to promote overall good mental health and positive self image. I write this because I am going through it as we speak as I know many others are. Remember, you can't fake it until you make it so deal with it and be the person you are portraying for real.

-Classic