Saturday, November 27, 2010
I write alot of blogs for both men and women but I want to address the women in this one. As a little girl, you weren't really told that much about the inner workings of men (I know I wasn't). I saw men as these "other" people that lived by a different code than women. That we'd never understand each other but you would have to find a way to coexist. But as I've grown older, had male friends, had relationships, I realized men aren't all that hard to figure out. So these are just some points to take into consideration ladies as we interact with our opposite sex...
1) Its Hard Being A Man:
There is a lot of media attention about how hard it is to be us ladies but honestly, its hard to be either sex these days. Men have pressures just like we do. Because they have been presented as the dominant sex, it is sometimes easy to forget that your way in the world is not made just because you are a man. In some aspects, the world is far less kind to men. For example, single men can't get government assistance if their life depended on it. You're far less likely to help out a homeless man than a homeless woman. Men go through stress strain self doubt and issues as we do. If you understand that, its easier to relate. If you realize your man is in a bad mood or is off in his own world, this is not the time to compare the severity of your days. Give him a hug, tell him you understand. Men are not indestructible so be the welder and not the wrecking ball.
2) Settling Down Really Can Be That Scary For Them:
They're not lying. Especially when a man is having insecurities on his ability to provide financially and emotionally for another person, the last thing they want to do is commit. It is a scary thought that you will have to support you, a wife, and kids. If you don't go to work, nobody eats. So don't pressure relationships. Men have a way of coming around but take heed to his words. Most men's logic makes sense. If he is not feeling secure, he probably will not make a good mate right now anyway.
3) Men Have Feelings Too:
Women I'm sure you know this from having male friends, men are sensitive. In our society, sensitivity is a weakness so they probably won't burst into tears over dinner. But know that you CAN hurt his feelings. And considering men are rarely taught how to deal with emotions such as heartbreak and disappointment in a healthy manner, you may see a side of him you would never want to see. It is part of your job in a relationship to protect your partners feelings but I see so many women ripping into their man and when he says something back, they go cry. Why do you assume your arrows don't penetrate when his did? Find a way to communicate with your partner. It doesn't have to be normal talk sessions, whatever works for you guys. But the longer you stay with your partner, the more you'll get a gage for what insults penetrate. Warning: This is not an advantage to bring up in an argument. Refrain from ever hitting low blows. Men are much more inclined to leave when their feelings are hurt than women. If you hit that blow, you may never have a chance to fix it. So protect him and he'll protect you. The more you're kind to him, the more likely he'll be inclined to never hurt you.
4) A Man Needs His Masculinity
This goes with the point above. Not only have I seen women say hurtful things but emasculating things. Never attack a man's ability to provide, his strength, his essence of masculinity if you want that man. I can guarantee you your relationship will be short lived. Men have the proclivity to want to be perceived as kings. But women get this confused: its not a dominance thing, its a respect thing. They want to know they are cherished and respected. Be discrete about disagreements. Keep your relationship in house. Men perceive a loss of respect of their peers when they see him not getting respect from his own lady. A man with a wounded ego is like a dog with a broken leg; they may be the sweetest but when they are wounded, they bite. Because of the rise of women in successful arenas, we sometimes forget that its not a competition between you and your man. It does not make you weak to cook him dinner, rub his back, and say to him: "I'm so blessed you are in my life. I love you" Not only does a little pampering of your man promote peace but it stops him from wanting to leave the house for attention, helping you with those other contenders we just talked about ;).
5) Men Are The Strong Helpless Type:
They don't need you but they need you. As confusing as that is, it is true. Hence why men are so obsessed with the "ride or die" chick image. They need to know you're not going anywhere so they can rely on you with a sound mind. Although ride or die is not particularly healthy (that's another blog spot :) The concept I will agree with is stability. Its hard to knock a woman who is always the same and never waivers. As women we sometimes have a tendency to let our emotions build and then explode. You ever heard your man tell you that you're crazy when you do that or sit there perplexed wondering why you're not the same as he left you. The reason men don't respond favorably to outbursts is that they begin to doubt your stability. He begins to question: "Who am I gonna come home to today?" Now true, men like the exciting, wild, unpredictable women but they rarely are with them long term. Men like peace at their house. This one is the hardest for me because I'm a natural talker. When I feel a certain way, I want to stop everything and talk about it until my little heart is content. But try not to bombard the man at the door. Instead, relax, give him a kiss, and talk it over calmly later on in the night. He's more likely to listen and you keep the stable vibe. You want your man to want to come home, to be around you, and to feel like he can count on you being around and being consistent.
6) Men Like Women:
That's why he got you in the first place. That doesn't change simply because one is in a relationship. You cannot take every women off the planet to protect your man so instead of screaming when he looks at Nia Long in Friday or taking away the man's porn collection (yeah I said it), understand that he is not on the verge of cheating. A good man is not one who sees no woman but you, a good man is a man who chooses you REGARDLESS of the other women he sees. Be confident in yourself. When you go out, compliment the waitress on her hair enjoy your dinner then take your man home. He got you for a reason, she's not sitting in your position.
7) There are Differences Between Us but Our Cores Are the Same
We're all actually quite simple when you break it down. Don't do anything to a man you wouldn't want done to you. We're the same in wanting love, respect, peace, honesty, and companionship.
I can't and won't say I know everything there is to know about men. I'm learning with you guys! But I will say this:men aren't too hard to figure out but you have to know the basics. I hear women say "submitting, taking of a mans feelings is so hard." Trust me its not hard for the right man. If you don't believe your man deserves these considerations, you may want to ask yourself what kind of man you have and why you're still there with him. Relationships whether romantic, friendship, familial, etc. take compromise. But you can't compromise effectively unless you know what the other person wants.
Hope This Helps,
Sunday, November 7, 2010
In relationships, we want to reign supreme. We want our presence to be the only one felt by our partner. But there is and always will be a lot of temptation out there. There are two types of temptation however: dormant and aggressive. Dormant temptation is just good looking individuals that happen to be around your mate. They don't necessarily want them or are doing anything to get them. This type of temptation there is really no relief from. Just as your partner has to come to the conclusion that good looking people exist around you, you have to do the same with them. However, aggressive temptation is what we are focusing on today. The men and women that are actively trying to initiate a response from your significant other. We'll call these people, the contenders. But instead of feeling discouraged or pressured by the presence of other men or women, you can train yourself on how to deal with these individuals who seek to steal your mate from you.
1) Don't Engage the Enemy: Women, this is for us especially. I know the women around your mate can infuriate you with their blatant acts. In today's society more than ever some women feel that relationships are just survival of the fittest. If they get your man from you, that is just how the game is played. There is less and less moral contempt for the "home wrecker". However, do not engage in a game of tit for tat with this other woman. This is not a good idea for several reasons:
One: She is probably better at it than you. Yeah if she is doing something like actively trying to steal someone's mate, this probably is not her first time at the rodeo.
Two: It ruins your character. Be above the trickery. Your have the world's respect at this point. You have done nothing wrong. You are the innocent party. Keep it that way.
Ok Ashley so I can't key her car ;)...What can you do you ask?
One: Have a civil conversation with her:
If you MUST talk to her. If you simply cannot hold your peace, invite her out to a public setting where neither of you can let the situation escalate and set down your expectations. Some women will back down in the face of a confident woman making demands. But do not let her bate you. Say your peace and leave. After she has been told, she can no longer claim she did not know and that is all you want from her. You cannot control another woman but you can...
Two: Handle your mate.
From this point on every interaction you should have should be with your mate. The other individual should no longer affect you, you have said your peace. If the relationship does not work out, it is now in the hands of your significant other. Grown people have a responsibility to not be swayed. If you are grown you make grown decisions. So with that being said, here are ways to keep your mate's attention and loyalty towards you while still smelling like a rose :)
2) Be Confident:
Confidence hides many a flaw. You are the individual in the relationship. Your significant other cares for you so act like it. Confidence shines from the inside out and makes you ten times more attractive than you would be without it. Insecure people tend to be less attractive. So in the face of contenders, smile, put on your best outfit and never let them see you sweat. Trust and confidence go hand in hand. And your partner will appreciate your lack of concern and insecurity. After all, "to be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved." - George MacDonald. Your mate will take notice and love you the more for your ability to always believe in your own worthiness.
3) Set Guide Rules and Expectations:
This should actually be done before the emergence of these other people. Early int he relationship, ground rules should be set on how the two of you as individuals feel about different relationship events that could happen. This isn't always the most pleasant conversation so I usually make it into a game. Everyone around me knows that I like the game Scenarios. Its a game where you both sit down over food or coffee and just ask each other scenarios and tell each other truthfully how you would handle them. You can touch upon questions about infidelity, money, sex, love, careers, anything. Mix it up. Don't make it about one subject. And since its a back and forth game, it does not feel like an inquisition. For this situation some good scenarios are:
-"What if we were in the mall and a guy/girl I knew came up and was acting really flirty with me in your presence, what would you do?"
-"What if you had a coworker that was interested in you and came onto you every day and I had no idea about them. What would you do?" etc.
As each question is answered, foster an environment where you can talk about why you feel the way you feel. That way these are all things you have talked about and know what the other person expects from you.
4) Don't Set Up Impossible Situations and Expectations
This goes hand in hand with the expectations you set. Be realistic. Don't set your partner up in situations that are lose-lose.On one hand just no there is no way for your partner to avoid everyone that thinks they are attractive. On the opposite end, don't sign your partner up for a retreat where the coworker that likes them will share a cabin with them either. Being too jealous or too condoning just sets up an atmosphere of a confused relationship. And in a confused relationship, the wrong things gets done alll the time. One example is the phone checking. I hear people say all the time that they check their mate's phone but don't like their mate to check theirs. That's ludicrous. Ask yourself if you were in the situation your partner is would you be comfortable with the rule you set... That's a good way to gage.
5) Remind Them Why They Chose You
If you are feeling threatened... instead of focusing on the relationship between them and mystery person, focus on your own relationship. Bring back the spark. Be romantic. Show them the times they loved to spend with you. Be genuine and loving. Cook them a meal or put on those extra high heels or dapper suit. Try something you guys have been meaning to try. Plan a vacation or a quiet evening home and reaffirm why you two are together. Its good for both of you to see that you made a good choice in staying together.
6) Enjoy Yourself
Too much of life is spent worrying about things we have little control over. At the end of the day (I know it hurts), if they want to cheat on you, they probably will. And if they don't, they will not. So stop worrying over something that has not even and may not even happen. Enjoy your time spent with your significant other. Don't punish your relationship because of fear. Create an environment where you love to be and others will love to be there also.
Hope This Helps,
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Let's face it. It would be really nice to eliminate the world's expectations for your relationship. How nice would it be to just pick each other and ride off into the sunset simple as that. Well, if you're going about your relationship like that you are bound for some uncomfortable surprises as your significant other meets the other people of your life and you meet the other people who are in their lives.
These other people can be in the form of various people and all should be treated differently. I will give you a guide on how to specifically manage and interpret each one of these individual categories... Let's focus on the second intruder: The Inner Circle.
Having an inner circle of blood relatives and close friends is a necessity for a healthy life. Friends enrich you as well as keep you grounded. Family reminds you of who you are. True friends are hard to find and are worth holding onto. Good family structure is to be cherished and upheld. But family and friends are still human. They lead completely separate lives than you do. Sometimes even their best attempts and advice can wreak havoc in your life.
#1: Keep the Details to Yourself
This is a warning. You should never tell anyone every single detail of your relationship. One, it is just disrespectful to your partner to converse with others about their personal business. Two, in anger we tend to vent but the people we vent to dont forget just because we forget. Anything you say will be held against your partner. If you don't want that to happen, don't tell them. Your family and friends love you. They never want to see you hurt,so it is engrained in them to dislike people that hurt you. So unless you like awkward dinners and parties, keep the inner working of your disagreements to yourself. Now if you truly feel the relationship is over then its healthy to tell people, do you have to be certain there is no chances for reconcilliation.
#2: Discern What Advice To Keep and What Advice to Discard
Good friends and family usually come with good advice. Even if the advice is good, if you are not ready to take it, DO NOT TAKE IT. Sometimes in life we have to do things at our own place. If you feel like your relationship is in a bad place but you just are not ready to let it go, use your own timeline. You do not want to end up resenting a friend that was just trying to help just because you rushed into something you were not willing to do. Family is an even harder one to sort out. Remember that your family members love you but they are also bonded to you for life so they will not hold their tongues in telling their opinions. I mean, what are you going to do? Leave them? probably not. So everything they tell you, you have to expect them to have a little more bite with their talks. But try to take away from it the underlying message.
Ways to Know Good Advice From Bad Advice
-Know the People Around You: If you really think about it, you already know who has your best interests at heart. Be more ready to hear their advice than self serving others.Though their love for you does not necessarily make them right, they usually have something to say that you need to hear
- Hurting People Hurt People:
Recognize the state in which the advice was given. When people are in a depressed state, their advice is usually depressing. It is not so much the state of life of the person but the state of emotion. Alot of people get this confused. Your single friends can give great advice. Your involved friends can give awful advice. Don't look so much at whether or not they are in a relationship but rather if they are happy and confident in general. Happy confident people give the best advice (This is not to be confused with pseudo confidence and putting on a show however). Usually if you think about it hard enough you know which ones of your friends enjoy their lives and live it to the best of their ability and those friends should be your advice sources.
- Everybody Is Not Wrong: Repetition is your friend. We all have blinders on when it comes to our mates. It serves you well to know this. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. Everyone is not going to like your significant other nor are they required to, but when NO ONE close to you likes your relationship, there usually is a reason. Most relationships are not worth losing everyone around you.
#3: Be Your Own Person:
If you like someone and they are good to you, they deserve the respect of having a fighting chance in a relationship with you. And you deserve to see it through. I have seen countless relationships ruined because a friend or family member didn't like the individual because of something that is more congruent with their own standards. They do not have to date them...You do.
Lastly, if you are having a problem between your friends and family and your significant other and it is not caused by their treatment of you, there are ways to mend these relationships...
1. Respect your partner: If you respect them, other people will. The opposite is also true. Let the ones around you know that you will stand firm beside them as long as they are with you. The people around you will respond to this united front by at least being more tolerant of your mate for fear of your disregard.
2. Create situations for fun gatherings: Let the people around you see how much fun your mate can be. Let them interact with them not as your boyfriend/girlfriend but as a member of the group. This eases tensions and provides chances for individual relationships to form (This is especially imperative in Mom/girlfriend and Dad/boyfriend bonding).
3. Be happy: Honestly, the people around you love you. If you are happy, that will shine through. And the reason for your happiness will also become clear as well.
Hope This Helps,
Let's face it. It would be really nice to eliminate the world's expectations for your relationship. How nice would it be to just pick each other and ride off into the sunset simple as that. Well, if you're going about your relationship like that you are bound for some uncomfortable surprises as your significant other meets the other people of your life and you meet the other people who are or WANT TO BE in their lives.
These other people can be in the form of various people and all should be treated differently. I will give you a guide on how to specifically manage and interpret each one of these individual categories. But it will take me a while so bear with me. Right now we will focus on the first intruder: The Friendly Temptation.
We live in a see and get it world. Everything is at our grasps. As things become more available we become more spoiled and less grateful for things that we have, similar to the antics of a trust fund baby. Along with this comes everyone being a call, text, email, etc. away. See back before instant communications, someone would have to think before going outside your relationship. But in the haze and discomfort after an argument with a significant other, our altered states of mind do not mix with the temptation so close at our fingertips. Before you know it, "Are you up?" has been texted and the door is open. Sadly, most people don't cheat with a stranger, its usually a male or female just close enough to get in there.
So let's talk about the Friendly Temptation. This is someone who presents themselves in a non threatening friendly manner in your life. This person may even KNOW you are in a relationship but deep down, they would much rather be with you themselves. This is dangerous because the intentions of the other person may not be for the sustainment of your current relationship. You can find yourself in positions where you have undue influence from an outside force on your situation.
Ways to Spot Dissention In the Ranks
These are Ways to Spot if you are dealing with a friend or a friendly temptation:
1) The person always has a negative reaction to the mention of your significant other. Its ok to have a friend not particularly care for your mate but if they have too much emotion about it, they may have hidden feelings for you that will surface later.
2) When you are fighting with your mate, the person urges you to them and away from your significant other. "Awww you two are fighting, come to my house, spend the day with me." and this happens for a period of time. There is never any mention of how you could possibly work it out with your partner.
3) They are "out of line" on occasion. You often find them a little too close to you. They are very hands on. They talk about sex or sexual things too often for comfort.
4) You have a past with them. Very few people can conquer sleeping with you and getting past it enough to be a true friend. Not saying it can't be done but more likely than not, there are still some feelings there, sexual, emotional, or otherwise.
But there are some ways to combat these temptations in your life so that you won't lose the most important person in your life.
1) Engage in a think before you act lifestyle
This is just a way to live. Make sure that before you even put yourself into situations that could prove complicated, you just take a second and review your options. Most mistakes are only made in the heat of the moment. Once the moment is over, the "correct" decision always seems so clear. Thinking beforehand eliminates that heat. So after a fight, just stop and think: "What should I do now?" Go somewhere and take a moment. What you should do will reveal itself.
2)Know Who's Who
It always seems like a good idea in theory to have male and female friends and remain cordial with exes while in a relationship but few people have these relationships in a healthy space. Let's be honest, you know who wouldn't mind getting with you and those crushes may seem innocent but ask yourself, would you want someone with these feelings this close to your significant other? If the answer is no, you may want to distance yourself slightly. Your real friends will respect your relationship space. Any opposite sex people in your life should always a) know about your relationship and b) respect your relationship. People that are not respecting your relationship are not respecting you. Don't get suckered into the late night comfort sessions that so easily get people into trouble. Taking advantage of a weakness in your relationship to get with you is a character trait that probably doesn't make them a good friend candidate anyway. Know the people around you's true intentions. This is not to say that you cannot have ANY opposite sex friends but it is a tightrope act best left for your most dedicated and truest friends. You don't want to end up ruining your relationship because someone in your life set it up to be ruined.
3)Set the Boundaries
Now that your opposite sex friends know about your relationship, you need to set boundaries about your new situation. It may be a little awkward to talk about things of this nature with your friend but it makes for less confusion down the line. There needs to be a certain list of actions that are off limits like calling after a specific time or using certain language or words (honey sweetie baby etc.). Basically make them understand that though you value their friendship, your relationship is a high priority in your life and you are committed to making it work. Trust me, your real friends will have no problem making these adjustments for you. There's never any love lost between me and my male friends simply because they have found love. But then again, I don't secretly want them either.
4) Open Communication & Set Emergency Plans
Open Communication is the key to a great relationship point blank. If you are in bed with an individual, you should be able to tell them anything, right? But most people rarely talk in their relationships. Be real with one another. Make it common knowledge that anything the other person has to say will be welcomed and contemplated on your end. This will facilitate patching things after arguments. When those conflict arise, you will be more likely to find each other and talk it out. Another good way to keep communication lines open is to figure out what I like to call Emergency Plans. Emergency plans are those plans you get together early in the relationship. Don't be afraid to ask them "Well what if we do fight, how do you want us to handle it?" Then you will know not only HOW they act when they are angry but the best ways to combat that from the horse's mouth. Having rules in place like "Don't go to bed mad, if something is on your mind, talk to me" are excellent in fostering a communication friendly atmosphere. Like is always said, closed mouths don't get fed and in relationships, closed mouths don't make it to anniversaries.
Overcoming temptation is one of the hardest but most rewarding things to do. As William Butler Yeats says: “Every conquering temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.” You owe it to your relationship and to your own morals to give it a fighting chance. Your friends in your life can prove their devotion to your friendship by adapting to a new role in your life that respects your relationship. If they can't, you know their true intentions and can deal accordingly. After all, you would want the same consideration from your significant other and the people in their life, right?
Hope this helps,
What do you want to be remembered for? How do you stand the tests of time for people to remember you years after your accomplishments? What do you want your children or future children to inherent from you? As younger people, we do not seem too preoccupied with these notions. We believe we have plenty of time to make our marks on the world. Though you may not be able to achieve everything you want today, these are questions you should be answering or at least setting out a template to answer. Everyone talks about creating a legacy and these are some things that will surely get you closer to being noted in the history books.
1) Focus on The Timeless Not the Trendy: Everybody wants to be part of the IN crowd but the problem with the IN crowd is that different people are funneled in and out of it. You may be popular one day forgotten the next. We can all name countless rappers, singers, athletes, businessmen that were on top of the world and a year years later, their names only come up around the water cooler during reminiscing of yesteryear. There is nothing more depressing or disheartening than having it all and then being reduced to obscurity. To avoid this heartbreak, make whatever you decide to do have a timeless classic feel. Some things never get old or go out of season. And you should have that type of appeal. Instead of falling to every get rick quick scheme and job antics, always think if this decision could sustain you down the line. People sometimes ask me why I go through so much school and I always answer the question the same way. That little piece of paper is permanent. No one can take it away from me but they can take employment and popularity. Education is final. Every decision you make should fuel your future while building up your present. Why put work into something that will not last?
2) Stand For Something: We all know the common saying:Those Who Stand For Nothing, Fall For Anything spoken by Alexander Hamilton, Malcolm X and countless other figures. Its popular because it is true. You should always have a set of values that are uniquely you. These values will define you as a person and give you staying power.I'm not here to tell you what these morals and values should be, nobody should. But once you set them, do not deviate from them. When you deviate from your own values you degrade yourself as a person. You're basically saying "I told myself I was this person but I lied to myself. I don't know who I am" And no one respects that.
3)Stay Consistent: This concept goes with the one above. But it goes beyond being true to the person you want to be. You have to also be consistent in your business and personal lives. Think about the people in your life....Consistent people are not always the most popular but they are ALWAYS the most necessary. When you have a problem, you call the consistent person. When you need to trust someone, you call the consistent person. You RESPECT the consistent person. Flaky people never get far because eventually people stop putting their trust in that person's hands. And sadly, once you are labeled as flaky, it is almost impossible to lose that stigma.
4) Demand Success Now let me start by saying this....success means different things to different people. I am not talking about money, I am talking about the achievement of well thought out goals. The ultimate goal is happiness and contentment with life so set up goals that let you reach those. Then when you do obtain them, you have reached what is called success. Now having said that, DEMAND success from your life. Life isn't always going to be roses. There are going to be plenty of times you fall short or completely bomb a desired goal. There will be times when things out of your control avert your plans or make the road more difficult. But stay on the same road. In life, you get what you demand. If you point your car west in New York, you will get to California. I can't tell you when, I can't tell you what you will encounter on the way, but eventually you will make it. Success if like that too. Have clear cut goals, drive, tenacity, and demand that life give you want you want. That drive sets in motion your legacy.
5) Be a Humanitarian. Spread Love and Resources: This one to me is really important. God gives you what you give to others. If you have made it, you are duty bound to give it back to other people. The world needs help and the world needs love and if you are in possession of those, you are an asset. There is nothing worse than seeing individuals with money talent and wisdom waste it away when people of the world are in so desperate need of only a tiny piece of what you have. Its like you are sitting there will a full ham and cheese sandwich and there is a kid starving next to you. With just a piece of a sandwich (you can still eat well!), you have changed the outcome of that kid's life. And if that wasn't enough, giving back feels good!
At the end of the day you want people to come to your funeral because they genuinely miss your impact on the world. The people that are remembered favorably all had these things in common and you are just as deserving to be in the memories of the people as they are. Live Life, Love Life, Love Others, and Pass it On.
Hope This Helps,
Monday, September 20, 2010
Everything starts with personal growth so heres a few of the most mispronounced words out there.
No: Calvary | Yes: cavalry
No: cannidate | Yes: candidate
No: chester drawers | Yes: chest of drawers
No: excape | Yes: escape
No: expecially | Yes: especially
No: For all intensive purposes | Yes: For all intents and purposes
No: irregardless | Yes: regardless
No: sherbert | Yes: sherbet
No: upmost | Yes: utmost
No: card shark | Yes: cardsharp
To learn some more..visit http://www.yourdictionary.com/library/mispron.html
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Some relationships are just terrible. They rob you of your abilities to believe in the basic things your mother taught you. You always believed that being a "good woman" or a "good man" would keep any relationship but everything still blew up in your face. You mull over in your head the what if the what couldas and the what shouldas but you come up empty of any profound reason you should have been treated the way you were treated. So you get angry, you get frustrated, you get BITTER.
We live in a generation of playing the field, where individuals are experimenting with what they like. Now more than ever before we have the luxury of casual dating. But with casual dating also comes the luxury of easy release. It is just so easy to love someone and leave someone without any regards for the other person. Society doesn't even bat an eyelash at cheating, arguments,and cruel treatment. Sometimes its easier to just leave than explain to someone why you don't want them or what it is that you are looking for. Sometimes, the person doesn't even know what they want. But if you are constantly the person on the other end. The person getting left instead of leaving themselves yet you know you have a pretty good set of skills under your belt that should lead to you being a good catch, its hard not to get bitter. Its hard not to look at the circumstances and declare that you will always be single and act accordingly. But don't let your nobody let you miss out on your somebody. One of the most important AND most attractive things an individual can possess is hope. Frankly, Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh was just annoying. Nobody wants to be around someone who is constantly negative and that's where bitter gets ya. But don't worry, here's a bit of knowledge to help you keep the faith.
1. Bitter is inevitable in certain situations. Focus On The Length of Time: Yeah I said it. Its OK to be bitter, just don't stay bitter. Sometimes in life situations happen to you that are so heinous that you have to vent those negative emotions. But don't focus on trying not to be bitter. Give yourself time to air out those negative emotions, just don't STAY in that dark place. Have some time out male bashing or female bashing with the friends over a cocktail. But on your angry break up music to do gym time to. Cry to your mom or dad about the state of the world. Its OK and its natural. But this should only go on for a certain period of time. You cannot cry forever. At some point the release is over and you're just making yourself more miserable. A good indicator of that point? When you start to repeat yourself. If you start to say the same thing over and over again, PULL YOURSELF OUT OF BITTER LAND. How do you do this?
2. PLEASE Do Not Date: I think I have to say it again DO...NOT...DATE. You need time alone. You need time to evaluate what you want and what you need and how those things have changed since your last relationship. Dating other people is good under some circumstances (see other blog posts) but when you are bitter, you are practically one or two more messed up relationships away from disaster and until you are in a better state, don't press your luck. Its kind of like being a pro athlete and getting a minor injury that keeps you out of 3 games. You're sitting out because if you tax your body, it will lead to a BIGGER injury that may take your career away from you. Have you noticed rebound guys are usually not people we even like that much? The only reason you are talking to them is because your emotions are spilling from one relationship to the next. So you already know the situation is going to lead to a blow up. Then you go from a sprain to an all out tear and you are not help to anyone at that point. And don't get me started on how unfair and how much damage you can do in your bitter state of mind to that other person. Bitter breeds bitter ya know.
3. Make Yourself Better:Instead, Increase Your Mental Toughness and Stability. Since you are by yourself, use this time to be selfish. Your self esteem is already lower than usual. The equation for bitterness: (Lowered Self Esteem + Pity + Anger= Bitterness). Before you enter into another compromising relationship as all relationships are, use this time to get things accomplished. Don't pity yourself. Pity anyone who didn't want you because you're not Vista, you are Windows 7 moving on to bigger and better things. It helps you get back to a neutral state. You can't feel used if you are filling yourself up. Get back in school, get back in the gym, get back in church, get back around the friends and family. Make a conscious effort to boost your own ego. Not only is confidence sexy, it is a necessary attribute to get over things. You can tell yourself "Yeah they didn't want that me but this me ain't nothing to play with." Make You 2.0. The You that is stronger, sexier, more mature, and better equipped. Trust me, finding better people will be easier because you'll exude the essence to attract better matches.
4. Get Back Out There. Lastly, after some time by yourself (I'm not talking weeks, its usually more like months to a year so be patient :)) you have to get back out there. Don't be a hermit, show that new you off. Don't be scared. Know that during your time "sitting on the bench", you've analyzed the game and worked on strategies to make yourself better acclimated to the craziness we call dating. You have a better knowledge of what you want and don't want and you feel good about yourself. You've restored hope and hope shines.
We've all been through "why me?" situations in our lives but remember just because you have a right to be bitter does not mean you should be. After all who are you hurting but yourself? As cliche as it sounds, you can only be you so why punish you? If you vent, spend time with your numero uno, go through some betterment procedures and some mental toughness drills, and THEN go back out there, I can promise you a new level of man or female will take notice. And so will that ex, though obviously too late ;)
Hope This Helps!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Life can be very unpredictable. Sometimes everything is set up to be a certain way and then a curveball comes and wrecks your plans and your nerves. The age old saying is when life hands you lemons, make lemonade, but in that process of turning something bad into something good, how can you keep your attitude high and your stress low? And more importantly when you're not even getting lemons how can you STILL get that lemonade made and made well?
Stress is the number one cause of many of today's physical, mental, and emotional negative manifestations so when life hits, it is always imperative to have a guide to give you an advantage against the tides.
1) Stick to Your Ultimate Objective
Now to stick to your ultimate objective means you must create one. What overall do you want most for your life? What are the big steps to get there? Once you know what this objective is, write it down and make it plain. Keep it near you so that when things aren't going well, and there will be those times, you can pull it out and remember what all of the effort is for. Working towards NOTHING is not only pointless, it is a psychological downer. If you're reaching for the stars, it always helps to see them. Its ok to go really big with your main objective. Don't limit yourself here with realistic expectations because frankly thats the difference between the people that make history and the people that read history. Your ultimate objective requires you to have flexibility, self confidence, and determination so having one increases all of those. Being realistic comes in with the everyday ventures to get to that ultimate objective. If being a multi millionaire is your ultimate objective, finding a job with upward mobility may be a smaller objective. Once again, these aren't the same. The ultimate objective gives you hope, the smaller objectives give you a mission.
2) Have a Back Up Plan
No matter what your ultimate goal is, there are many different ways to achieve that things. Always remember that. Do not change your ultimate goal, change your route TO the ultimate goal. So when one way seems to be blocked at an intersection, it helps to know backup routes and detours. Delays are not denials. So with that being said, don't be afraid to take a different route than you expected to take, if the route you are on isn't moving. For example, if you're trying to get into a college program and you're denied, don't give up your ultimate goal, just take some classes, ask around, do your research, and see if another opportunity doesn't present itself that gets you into the vicinity of what you want. Back up plans are not always second prize medals. Sometimes they alert you to things you didn't even know were available and options that are more suited for you than original plan.
Even if your main road is going smoothly, a back up plan can give you a tremendous amount of reassurance. Its always wise to keep a spare tire even if your tires are sturdy. Planning for the "what if"s, the "uh oh"s and the "unknowns" is just wisdom.
3) Keep It In Perspective (Don't Sweat The Small Stuff)
Now I'm from Alabama and we have alot of men and women in their 100's still alive and kicking. When I was younger I would always ask them what secret they had that kept them on the Earth longer than so many others. They all have some form of the same answer:"I keep it all in perspective. I don't stress the small stuff." Most people could cut out 80% of their worrying and stressing if they just found a way to remind themselves all that they do have. Most of us are fortunate enough to have someone that loves us, a roof over our heads, and the capabilities and freedoms to reach our goals. Things that alot of our ancestors did not possess. So remember, there is very little on this Earth that is actually Life threatening. If something causes you all stress and no relaxation, let it go!
4) Don't Run and Hide
Life can seem so menacing at times. We've all had those "I don't think I could take anything else going crazy" moments but always remember that you still have to play the game. Life has no redos nor timeouts. Any minute you are not on the field, you are losing out. Win or lose, stay on the field. Hiding under a blanket does not make your problems go away. On the contrary it usually exacerbates them. Lets go back to the college example. If you don't get into college the first time, the long you wait the more bills you accumulate working, the more self conscious you become about your age, the more life altering experiences (babies marriages family issues..etc) life can throw at you. Time wasted makes achieving goals harder. So make everyday count even if just in small ways. Find something to do each week that gets you a little closer to your ultimate goal. Regardless of what people tell you: success is directly associated with hustle. And hustle is basically staying busy and staying creative towards a certain objective.
5) Let It Out
I always stress this but keeping an outlet is always one of the most positive things you can do for yourself. I always advise two: a person and an activity. The person should be a POSITIVE person that is GUARANTEED to be on your side. I can't tell you how important those two are. Talking to a negative person or a hater both can be not only stagnant but detrimental so please make your confidant someone who has your best interests at heart...and if you think about it long enough you know exactly who those people are. The second is an activity. No matter how stupid or juvenile whatever it is that makes you happy. Put aside a little time per week to do that. Though its nerdy, I looove computer games especially time management games. While I'm playing Diner Dash or Wedding Dash, I relax let everything go and afterwards I'm ready for the grind once more. I also advise that you find something that amuses you that is a) cost effective and b) energy efficient. Honestly, the cheaper and the less energy absorbing the better. Though working out and shopping are awesome, I wouldn't recommend them for this particular thing.
6) Always Keep Moving
Don't talk about it. Be about it. People that really want to achieve something are active. I can't lose 10 pounds watching a lady work out on tv. Goals don't work that way either. If you are sitting, you can be guaranteed you are not any closer to what you want to accomplish. As Ive mentioned before staying busy also is a coping mechanism when things aren't going right. You may not always know what to do but let me give you this tidbit....If its positive forward moving, it can't hurt you. If I want to go to medical school, but I haven't gotten in, taking an internship opportunity isn't going to hurt and it may open some more doors.
Life my dears NEVER goes as planned. Sometimes it doesn't even go KINDA as planned. If you think it does, you're either 10 or you haven't gotten to your trials yet. But it is these trials that define who we are and what we can do. They motivate us to be flexible. They drive us to be focused. They make us strive to overcome. And in all of this we either learn and grow or crack and wither. If you want something, there is nothing saying you can't get there and there is nothing more dangerous than a young, adaptable, focused, person with well drawn out dreams.
Hope This Helps,
Friday, June 25, 2010
A gentlemen holding flowers and candy. A man who opens car doors and pays attention to your wants and needs. It sounds so perfect but many men who do exactly those
things are finding it hard to nail down that second date. From childhood, we are told that if we are nice and sweet, the world will shine upon us. So why is this not the case when dating? For those men out there doing everything right but still getting nowhere, there is a guide to dating your mother never told you about: ten things that
will get the nice guy that second encounter.
#1: Take the Bull by the horns
“I generally let the girl do what she wants to do in the relationship,” says B.R. Many times, letting anyone else run anything leads to you getting run over. Women are more independently successful, stable, and driven than ever before but they want to be in a relationship with someone just as reliable. They like to know that they can trust you to make decisions and take the lead.
“I don’t date guys that give me everything I want. It starts to feel like a thief and victim relationship and I don’t like the way I treat men that I get to boss around,” says NH. Women are privy to their Disney childhoods. Fairytales in which the prince rescues the helpless princess. Even though they may not be helpless, that want to be with the strong take charge male still exists. “Decision making is sexy. It makes me want to sit back and just enjoy the ride.” says NH.
#2: Pamper but Do Not Spoil
“I usually spend way more than I should on a woman I like. Every time the chick smiles, it makes me want to pull out hundreds, not that I have them to pull out.” says CA. Spoiling a woman is not a way to our hearts but more a way to be rejected. There is a difference between giving a woman gifts of appreciation and showering her with too much affection however. Many times it makes women feel confused and rushed.
“When a guy gives me too much it scares me!” says NH, “It feels like ‘Oh my God, what does he want in return for all this? Do I even like him that much?” Extensive gift giving makes the relationship move too fast. To many women, the money a man spends equates to the sex they believe they are required to give him later. In essence, you are paying for more than they are willing to offer at the moment. So save your money. Give gives often but spread them out and make them random. Set up more intimate, less expensive dates so that they can get to know you. That way its more romantic and less “date for hire.” Once the relationship has been established , feel free to increase the spending limit!
#3: Don’t Be Needy
“I love affection and feelings. When I like a girl I just want to be up under her all day.” Says PB. Women love that you are in touch with your feelings! You can show us you need us without being clingy. Clingy behavior is a pet peeve of most people of both sexes.
“I just feel like I’m dating a child!” says HP. “I love that you are into me but I need some space!” Yes, women need space too. They love to have time to miss you. People take for granted anything or anyone that is available too much. Spend time with the object of your affection but also give time and space for your own personal achievements and hobbies. It is always an excellent way to test how “into you” she is as well.
#4: Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations and Resentment
“I just have this perfect woman in my head. If see certain signs, I just get out of there!” says RO. Women, even the gorgeous ones, are human. They make mistakes. Being the idol of your affections is too much work!
“I feel like nice guys need you to be perfect. If the guy has visible flaws, I can be myself.” says AE. Make a list of the characteristics in a female you need and the ones you can live without and make some concessions on the latter points. You are a great guy but you have flaws as well. Perhaps, you will do better not focusing on their level of perfection but their percent compatibility with you individually.
#5: Be Spontaneous
“I plan everything out. I don’t want any surprises!” says PB. Women love a “devil may care” attitude. Some spontaneous activity also allows you and the woman to loosen up. Dating is nerve wracking and trying to predict every detail of the encounter makes you feel more at ease but allow for some spontaneity and in that spontaneity maybe romance.
“I love when a guy can just let loose and try anything. It makes me think of how passionate and creative he is and how creative he would be in other areas if you know what I mean,” says BA. Try to plan one part of the date and leave the other part of the date open to give a good balance. For example, plan dinner locations and leave your after dinner excursions open to where the date leads you.
#6: Don’t Hold Back In Conversation
“I am always so nervous in conversation. I feel like if I say the wrong thing, I won’t get another date so I try not to touch on anything serious,” says BE. Closed mouths do not get fed! Nice guys are often scared to bring up anything uncomfortable but those conversations about sex and feelings are what women like.
“I love guys that can have conversations about the nitty gritty with me. Talking about sex stimulates me even if I am not sure if I am going to sleep with you yet,” says Brittany Allen with a laugh. Conversations about titillating topics should not be strayed away from but embraced, just do not get vulgar. Women like to know that the man that they are with is comfortable with sex, feelings, and other deep topics. It adds to the air of confidence around you.
#7: Stop Taking Rejection So Hard.
“When I’m out at clubs, I rarely go up to girls. Every time I get rejected, I get a little more bitter,” says DW. Many guys are successful at dating because they just practice trial and error. When they see a girl they like they ask her out because she may work out. If they get rejected, they do not take it personal but instead take it lightly and move forward to another candidate.
“I like a man that wants me but is smooth and cool if I diss him. It makes me think he has something I am missing out on if I leave,” says SN. Women like resiliency. They sometimes give their number to guys after rejecting them so they can see how they take the rejection. The Clark Gable, “frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” persona has always been a way to reel in the ladies. So the next time a woman rejects you, remember that she is the one missing out, not you.
#8: Effortlessly Command the Room
“When I walk into the club, I slip to the side and find the nearest wall! Big crowds make me nervous,” says BE. A guy that can take charge of a room seems like a guy that can take over the world. Power and charm are very sexy to women; those are the two things you need to work a room.
“When a guy walks in the room, I instantly know if I want to have sex with him. Call it shallow but I like to see how other people react to him as well,” says SW.
#9: Be Driven
“I just kind of do whatever gets me by. I’m really not emotional about anything,” says WW. Women like emotional men as long as the emotion is channeled into something productive. “It’s not the success, it is the drive,” says BA. Drive often leads to success and also portrays the individual as passionate.
“I love passionate men that are really into something. Seeing a man work on his car or yell when he is watching sports is actually really hot,” says KP. Have a hobby or career goal that you put effort into. Drive is very sexy to women, because drive usually equals stability and control. And those are essential to a woman.
#10: Stop Focusing on Being The Nice Guy
Focus on being the right guy! “I mean I am good guy with a lot going on for myself. Why is dating so hard to me?” asks MB. As the classic saying by Rabbi Harold Kushner states : “expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge you because you are a vegetarian.”Simply, the rules of engagement do not change from person to person. Everybody claims to be a nice guy. Most women don’t even believe this unicorn of a nice guy exists. Even the not so nice guys know how to come off normal at first.
“To be honest with you I don’t even know if good guys exist. I’ve had supposedly good guys do me wrong too so I just go after what I want,” says KC. Everyone has their horror stories in dating regardless of their dating practices. Choose women that you are interested in and you could see yourself being a stable quality situation with; go after them. Instead of trying to prove your wholesomeness, work on a genuine connection with the woman.
Being nice is an excellent personality trait and this is never the reason why women do not like a particular male. So many men are under the impression that they were "too nice" and that's why they are mistreated and overlooked when dating. The real issue is most men lie to themselves about the real reason women are scared off by them. Being needy, lacking drive, lacking decision making, and others are not synonymous with being a good guy. If you are conscientious about exuding confidence and being yourself, women will notice the change.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
This series is just to help me to keep expanding my vocabulary.
CONVIVIALITY merry; festive
CORUSCANT giving forth flashes of light; glittering
CUDDLESOME suitable for or inviting cuddling. Also, cuddly
CUPIDITY eager or excessive desire, esp. to possess something: greed; avarice.
PENULTIMATE means second to last - as in LOSER
PERFIDIOUSNESS betrayal of a trust
PERSPICACIOUS having or showing penetrating mental discernment; clear-sighted
PROFICUOUS profitable; advantageous; useful
REMUNERATIVE serving and providing profitability
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Who do you admire?
As humans we are naturally emulators. From childhood, we fantasize about the lives of others and build upon what we see to create our own version of success. Like I have stated in previous blogs, my mother is a constant model of mine. Other people include Bessie Coleman, Corette Scott King, Nikki Giovanni, I could go on. So I always modeled my life after these particular women's traits, learning how to be strong, resilient, bold, yet not belligerent. I say this to say everyone stands on the shoulders of someone else. Usually role models are always talked about as healthy and positive experiences of tutelage, however as we follow this winding road of self discovery, you must learn how you got to this piece of your road. The best way to do that? Figure out what and who started you down this particular path.
1) Role models can be both positive and negative people:
People don't understand that the bad role models can be followed and followed somewhat easier than good role models. Bad role models don't push you as hard. If you're standing in the shadows of great men like MLK, Percy Julian, Bill Gates (they don't have to be Black!),Alfred Nobel, Albert Einstein, you are going to have to push yourself. Your role models mark your standards. If you have someone as your role model, you automatically define yourself as someone worthy and capable of creating like visions. So strive high. Don't take the easy road out with negative people and mediocre standards. The higher the ambition, the more likely that even if you don't achieve like greatness you will still be proud of your results. Like Kanye said: "Reach for the stars so if you fall, you land on a cloud."
2) Pick A Few Role Models:
Pick both a far away role model and a role model close to home. The people that I named above make for excellent role models for your bigger than life dreams. However for your everyday walk as a person, you'll need to find a role model at arms reach. A family member or parent is great for this. But even if you don't want to emulate a family member, there is a member of your life and community, a pastor, a professor, even a friend that can serve in that position. Your close to home role model is more of a person that you admire their everyday actions along with their goals and values. Ask yourself, who in my life is the type of person I'd like to be? That is your role model close to home. Then ask yourself, who has accomplished something overall similar to what I want to accomplish? That is your far away role model. You can have other role models as well. A role model strictly for your morality level. A role model for your spirituality level, etc. At the end of the day the point is to make yourself the best person you can possibly be by acknowledging and building on the wisdom of others in particular categories.
3) Role Models are not infallible and neither are you:
Role models are to be respected but not necessarily revered. They still make mistakes. As humans we tend to believe that people that make mistakes have nothing else good to teach the people around them. This is far from truth. For example, the Tiger Woods saga we've all seen unfold. Even after his mistakes, Woods can still be a role model for diligence and financial success, albeit maybe not a good one for fidelity and decency. :) That's why its a good idea to have several role models for different parts of your life. You also must be cognizant of the idea that you may not meet the lofty standards that role models can sometimes provide... does not mean you failed.
Role Models are simply people who have an aspect of life in which they excel in your eyes. They are necessary because they offer a way to see a potential path into the behaviors and successes you want. My mom always says: "To achieve what someone achieved you must study what they did to achieve it." Role Models are not an exact science on How to live your life but a guide in the right direction....And who doesn't want a map to where they want to go?
Hope this helps,
Sunday, March 28, 2010
This is an Amazing Event Folks. Attend if you can! The Press Release is Below... Happy Sunday! - Classic
Inaugural Reception Will Honor 30 Young Professionals in DC Area
Reception brings accomplished professionals, networking opportunities, and civic engagement under one roof for attendees
Washington, D.C. — Capital Cause in conjunction with the NMC Consulting Group will hold a reception honoring the Top 30 Under 30 Young Professionals in the Washington DC Metropolitan Area on Wednesday, March 31, 2010.
The event, which will include live jazz music by The Marcus Mitchell Project and Art by J Stacy Utley, will honor 29 young professionals within the Washington, DC Metropolitan area who have excelled in the areas of business, government, politics, education and the arts and were recognized by WKYS as a Top 30 Under 30. Capital Cause and the NMC Consulting Group will also announce the 30th honoree, who will be selected by their peers, from a pool of more than 30 nominations throughout the region.
The reception will include remarks by elected officials, business and community leaders, Jamal Simmons, CNN Correspondent and will include a resolution from the Council of the District of Columbia and a proclamation from the Mayor of the City of Alexandria honoring their awardees.
What: Capital Cause and NMC Consulting Group Present Top 30 Under 30 Reception
Who: Top 30 Under 30 Honorees:
Honorees include: Washington Redskins’s Devin Thomas; Mike Winans, Jr.; Natalie M. Cofield; Harold B. Pettigrew, Jr.; “Coach K” Amleset G. Kidane; Shawn Hay; Shayna Yvonne Rudd; Ryan Richmond; Pharoh Martin; William Lance Blake; Stephen Conti; Fred Howze III; Kimberly Smith; Courtney Maria Savoy; Avery Leake’ Lawrence Elliott Ball; Vallyn Lea Smith; Anthony Dale; Ryan J. Davis; Dontae Cunningham; Kimberly N. Wilson; Anthony Ajayi; Frank A. Bryant; Renaldo A. Chapman; Victoria “Shaqwana” Davis; Mahogany Woodland; Shanel Thomas; Marcus Mitchell.
Jamal Simmons, CNN Correspondent (confirmed)
Business & Community Leaders
Where: Midtown Lofts, 1219 Connecticut Avenue, NW, WDC, 20009
When: March 31, 2010 – 6:30pm to 9:30pm
To RSVP: To purchase tickets or for more information regarding the event, please visit
www.capitalcause.com, or call/email Corey Ponder at 202-642-4287 or email@example.com.
A $20 advanced ticket grants attendees access to an enticing buffet, live music, art on display, and a wealth of networking opportunities.
About Capital Cause:
Capital Cause is an organization dedicated to engaging young professionals in the giving process. Capital Cause succeeds in doing this by organizing fundraisers, learning programs and financial literacy courses. Capital Cause will also competitively award grants to young professionals who are small business owners or graduate school students.
About the NMC Consulting Group, Inc.
NMC Consulting Group, Inc. is a boutique consulting firm that specializes in business development, public affairs and program management. The organization aims to effectively support its clients by developing and enhancing economic development, entrepreneurship, and community‐related programming. For more information, please visit www.nataliecofield.com.
Monday, March 22, 2010
This series is just to help me to keep expanding my vocabulary.
noology - study of intuition and comprehension
solecism - error in grammar or wording
blarney - flattery designed to gain favor
vernorexia - a romantic mood inspired by Spring
copacetic - good or even excellent
acquiesce - satisfy
Friday, February 26, 2010
Love is one of those topics that everyone becomes increasingly interested in as we grow. Its this idea of an emotion that is so strong it connects us with the object of our affection. Its strength is our curiosity and its attainment is our quest. Humans want to be loved. We have an innate thirst for it. As Mother Theresa so eloquently put it:There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation in
this world than for bread. I am not here to put a definition on the word love. Quite the contrary, I love that it means so many different things to different people. It can be expressed and felt in countless ways. But I see alot of people mistaking other things for love as well. I wanted to share some observations I have made to help you craft your own definition of what is needed for you to love and be loved.
Love has levels. Love is different. Love needs a personal touch.
Every person you love should not and probably is not on the same level. For me, my love for God and my love for my parents are my oldest and strongest loves. But just because love has levels does not mean any level of love demeans the others, they are just different. The love you have for each person in your life has to be individually crafted. I love my friends, I love my family, I love humanity in general. I love people in Haiti, Korea, and China, I've never met before. Is it the same level as my mother? No. But that's ok. As you begin to open yourself to love, it encompasses your life. Opening yourself up to it brings in other emotions like empathy, compassion, hope, and fairness. After a while, people will be drawn to you because you can feel love on even the most basic of levels.
Love is not to be rationed.
I am always so thankful I grew up in a household of strong yet LOVING parents. I got constant love in both action and word form. It makes a difference. The world can be cruel and that great thing about love is that it can take an edge off the whippings of the world. So if you have someone that you claim to love, telling them how you feel and backing up those feelings should come often. Its great affirmation and sometimes after a bad day, its just needed. Love is one of those things you can't hold in. True love comes out, where it should be.
Love withstands time & distance.
In a finicky fair weather society, many people are claiming to love you yet you can't find them minutes after their revelation. Love is not a quick flame but a slow burn. If you find that when someone is out of your face, they no longer impact your thoughts or feelings, what you felt for them was probably along the lines of the feelings of conquest, passion, lust, or infatuation. Those fade. Love is an attachment you feel in any moment regardless of the space that separated you or the time apart.
Love isn't THAT hard.
Now this one is a biggie. If you find yourself in a constant struggle with an individual who is supposedly the object of your love and you theirs, you are probably dealing with a mimic emotion (I named them earlier: the feelings of conquest, passion, lust,infatuation, etc.) These emotions create the "warm fuzzy" feeling of love but one thing those cannot mimic is love's tranquility. When struggles arise, the mimic emotions make you even more confused and more agitated. Love, not only music ;), usually soothes the savage beast in us all. It makes us limit the damage we inflict on the other individual and weigh out consequences. Love is not confusion. Nor will it ever be.
Love goes hand in hand with other concepts. Love rarely acts alone and since love is so hard to spot on its own, you can look for its companions to help discern it from the mimic emotions. One companion concept of love is respect. Respect and love go hand in hand. I argue that love cannot exist without respect in its presence. Respect is defined as a feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem, I.e. preferential treatment. Respect is what keeps me from hurting an individual and love is the reason for the respect. Because if I don't respect the person that I love, what makes me love them?
Another concept is companionship. Companionship is just a fancy friendship. Its a little more complicated than a regular friendship because of the time and energy expelled. Just valuing time spent with that person above others is a great avenue for love. If you don't like conversing or spending time with your partner, how can you compile the path of emotions that lead up to the Big L?
The last concept is trust. Trust and love don't HAVE to coexist but its such a rockier road with it. Trust is often needed for love because it is trust that allows you to open your heart to receive and give the love. Its hard to love when you believe your partner is capable of ANYTHING under the sun. Though the two are almost mutually exclusive, but they often play on one another. Lack of trust can sometimes squeeze love to its barest minimum.
So, in world in which we don't like to take L's, I implore you to try love. Its a challenging venture regardless of the person you give it to but without it life is less colorful. It is our ability to love that gives us most of our happiness. So on your journey to love whether it be romantic or otherwise, take heed to my words so that you'll create love and be able to discern love from other emotions that have like hues. This topic is going to take me a few blogs to complete but as I sign off, I encourage you to just love humanity and everyone around you. As I stated love does not have to and should not be rationed. Give it freely. You may encounter some times when your love isn't returned but see if that same love doesn't eventually return to you.
I love you all. Hope this helps.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Every now and then I tackle questions to put my spin on issues I hear around the way. I was asked these two questions:What is wifey material? and why do men use it as an excuse to not be with someone? So ladies, lets examine shall we?
What is wifey material?
Well I know one thing, it is NOT necessarily wife material. Wifey is a noun created for women who are acting too closely to a position they have not and may never serve for a person. A wifey for all intensive purposes is a very tired, overworked girlfriend. Girlfriends and wives serve two diverging, distinct positions. A girlfriend shows her man who she is as an individual: the personality, the skills that make you the special woman that he needs. A wife is a more serving role as a husband is. Since both of you have combined your lives, you then function as a unit. The reason the faithfulness and service is not as hard as a wife is because of the halo of security a marriage brings. You are not only a wife but you have a husband. Wifey does not have a husband. I have seen girls berated for acting like girlfriends instead of wives when they have no rings and it is baffling. Because you cannot live with me, it is a bad thing? People that play house often don't get the house. Sounds to me like you need a wife and you haven't offered me that position. Who wants to do more work for less pay and benefits?
In my experience wifey material DOES NOT MATTER.
I know everyone is going to be up in arms about that one but let me explain. I did not say wifey material does not EXIST. There are women out there who possess qualities that make them more attractive as "wifeys", but those traits and that definition are like beauty- there's an undeniable "society standard" but most of it is in the eye of the beholder.
Men Do What They Want.
From what I have found, men still pick at the end of the day who they want whether they be societally "wifeable" or not. Women do not give men enough credit for this decision because men don't want the credit. Alot of times it is easier to say that a decision is due to either society or your lack of conviction instead of making a firm stand. The reason why its easier?-accountability. For example, not dating someone because society says they shouldn't be together or playing mum until the person leaves you places the responsibility of the situation in someone else's hands. I'm going to be real with you ladies for a second. A man that really wants you will stop at nothing to have you. A man who is on the fence will be the one with excuses. Yes, your man is romantic. Yes, your man could woo you. Yes, your man does know how to make you happy. If he is dragging his feet, it is certainly not because he does not know HOW. So if he isn't, what's the excuse?
I've fallen for it before too but please believe that the excuses are just that. So next time you hear "Baby, I can't be with you because you are too good a woman for me", "Baby, I can't be with you because you're not wifey material," "Baby, I just am not vibing with you", know that these things have NEVER stopped a man before. For example, look at Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian. Sorry, but you would think a man with such a sweet demeanor and presence would never be caught dead with a proverbial porn star on his arm. Make you think? It should. Man will wife women with reputations, unattractive women, crazy women if that is what they WANT to do. So that only leaves what you allow yourself to be worth.
If Not Wifey Then What?
Women, we have got to create better standards for ourselves on how we want to be treated. We're so interested in conquering a man we forget to ask ourselves if we really want the spoils of war! Do you really want to be with a man that is just so so about you with no conviction? Do you really want to be "wifey material" when you could be more? Instead of focusing on the traits that could make a man fall in love, focus on traits that can make you fall in love with yourself. Being confident, having standards, and not backing from those standards will show the world and men how you should be treated and in turn you will be treated as such. Set REASONABLE expectations and if your expectations are not met, don't be afraid to leave. People will be able to see the dignity and class. You won't have to work so hard for "wifey respect." I meet amazing successful beautiful insightful women that are so desperate their actions paint them as lower than they should ever be classified. There is going to be a man out there that will at least try to move Heaven and Earth for you. And it will be because you are what he wants. If you do not have a man like that, chances are he would be like that with someone else and someone else would be like that for you. Don't block your true happiness.
We should all stop this quest to be wifey material and start the quest 2 other quests: the quest to make you the best you can be all the way around and the quest (if you're looking) for the man that loves you regardless. He will by default think you are worthy to be valued and honoured.
The question series is a littler harsher than the Information Series but hopefully, it has an audience. I always welcome comments and more questions for the blog. Follow me on twitter (kennedae) and follow the blog.
Happy Presidents Day & Hope It Helps!
Friday, February 12, 2010
In the spirit of Valentines Day, I wanted to touch on the subject of romantic loneliness. The theme of 2010 is self actualization and loneliness in any form is an emotion that needs to be dealt with. I've heard many of my friends who are smart funny attractive and certainly worthy of every affection in the world beat themselves up because they find themselves frequently unattached. Well, let me see if I can put things in perspective for you.
1) Don't Take It Personal:
A lot of times when people think of someone being single, they attribute it to that individual being somehow unfit of obtaining or handling a relationship. Nine times out of ten, especially as young as we are in the game of life, that just simply is not the case. So stop beating yourself up. You will find someone in due time and it does seem to ring true that every time you stop thinking about it and resign to the situation, a budding romance appears. Yes, you are deserving of love.
2) Don't Focus on Romantic Love Only:
As a generation, we have forgotten about the other types of love. So many of us are willing to throw all our other relationships out the window for a chance at a romantic connection. Dare I say, romantic love is one of the weakest of the forms of love? Cultivate other relationships with your friends, family members, and colleagues. Throw a party for your friends or take your parents out to dinner. Spend a day with your sister, cousin, or brother. Bring your coworkers coffee and take an interest in their lives. See if you don't feel loved whether you're single or involved. When I look back in life at some of my favorite times, it involves an array of people not just past men. Promoting amazing relationships in other areas of your life will make you a genuinely more rounded, less easily hurt, and more marketable individual. People can see loneliness all over your face and that is not marketable to potential mates. And when you do find yourself interested in someone new, it does make you easier to love. The person that will be thinking “All of these people, think this person is amazing, so why shouldn’t I?” So don’t be lonely, there are people who would love nothing more than spending some time with you.
3) Don’t Listen to Others:
For some reason, the holiday has become more of a look what I got day instead of a true exchange of love day. I’ve been on both sides of the fence of the holiday. I’ve been the girl excited to tell my friends what my sweetie got me and I have been the friend that just wanted the mushy day to end. Sometimes it is a natural reaction of people to compare their lives to others. Resist that urge. Be genuinely happy for your friends involved in relationships. Envy eats away at everyone and that envy actually feeds loneliness. If you resist the envy, the loneliness automatically gets better. Understand that one day you will want someone to revel in your happiness with you as well.
4) Enjoy Being Single! :
Nobody enjoys being single anymore and it is so mind blowing to me! Being a single adult can be so much fun depending on what light you see it in. You have no one to answer to, you can date multiple people (responsibly!), you can focus more on your career, your family, and your friends. Your dating options are wide open, you could marry a future President or model or philosopher for all you know. What’s not to like? Our society has made being single, especially for women, a form of leprosy instead of a normal passage of life everyone should go through at one point or another. It is entirely unhealthy to have never been single at any point in life (sorry but it is). So enjoy your time! Once your romantic life sets in, you will never have that particular form of freedom again.
I hope these tips help. This blog is not an anti-Valentines Day post at all. Make sure whether you have someone or don’t to make your V-day as full of love as possible. Remember to tell EVERYONE you love just how much they mean to you. Everybody needs it.
Love You guys and Happy Upcoming Valentine's Day to You and Yours,
Friday, January 22, 2010
Keeping with the Self Theme of 2010: "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."~Winston Churchill. Your attitude on a daily basis is shaped by your overall thought patterns. Some people are naturally more positive or negative than others and that’s ok. However there are some patterns of thinking that alter your life in major ways. Toxic Thinking Patterns or (TTPs) are ways of thinking that eventually lead you away from personal success. Let’s discuss.
1) The Rebel: The "Experience Everything Yourself" Effect:
A lot of younger individuals fall victim to this. Experience is a great teacher, but it would unwise for it to be your ONLY teacher. Yet I hear people say this all the time: "I just need to find out for myself." Exploration in life is fine and actually encouraged but make sure that you pay attention to the examples around your life. Some people are placed in your life as walking illustrations so you don't HAVE to partake in a similar situation because you already know the likely outcome. Most people succumb to this thought pattern because they believe they are above the law. The Rebel always says things like “Oh that wouldn’t happen to me” or “so and so didn’t do it right, I am going to do it right!” They truly believe that their situation will not turn out in the most common fashion. But you like everyone else are susceptible to likely outcomes. For example, if you take a mate from their partner thinking you can do better; chances are they will do the exact same thing to you that they did to their previous partner because THAT is the most likely outcome. Rebels are on a road to destruction because they live a life that is constantly on the edge of ruin. They pride themselves on the thing that is most detrimental to them: Fearlessness. SOME fear is a good thing. If you line up a group of children and you let one of them burn their hand on the stove, the children that have a healthy fear of what they saw will never get burned. The “fearless” children will suffer from blisters the rest of their lives. Don’t be a burn victim.
2) The Chicken: The "Never Leaving the Porch" Effect:
The opposite of the rebel is the chicken. This is the person who never experiences anything. The quintessential kid stuck on the porch because they are scared of being hurt. Taking the child example from the Rebel, the Chicken upon seeing the fire, completely nixes fire out of their life; they never cook, they never light a fireplace, and they miss those perfectly positive experiences. The Chicken is on the road to destruction because they are stagnant. By being afraid to take chances, they miss the opportunities in their life for growth.
3) The Reckless Romantic: The "Being In Love with Love" Effect:
It seems like a sweet notion to be entranced with every epic love story and fantasize about Mr. Perfect and Ms. Wonderful but in actuality you are doing yourself a disservice. These stories are great jumping off points to make a model of what you really want and need out of your relationships with people. One thing that I often find is that The Reckless Romantic is on the path to destruction because they do not wait for their perfect soul mate but instead try to MAKE them. WE all want love; we all want to be wanted by particular people in our lives. But if it is not working out how you want it, do you start to obsess? Do you look for ways to keep a relationship together that should have been torn apart years ago? Do you find yourself being devious just to get your way? Do you stalk their social networks and try to put yourself in positions where they will have to talk to you? If you do this, you are not determined, you are reckless. You are stopping that other person and you from moving on to healthier frontiers. Now where is that in the movies?
4) The Victim: The "Woe is Me" Effect:
We all know people or are people that just can’t seem to catch a break. Circumstances outside of your control are always bearing down on you. There is no more helpless a feeling than the feeling of not being in the driver’s seat of your own life. The Victim is the saddest of the TTPs because it’s very easy to slip into their thought pattern. As John Gardner would say: “Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.” Basically being the victim is the easiest way to deal with your issues. Standing against the storm is much harder than curling in a ball and crying until it is finished. The Victim is on the path to destruction because victims will ALWAYS be victims. It is a mentality. It will start to spread to every aspect of your life until you find yourself weaponless to deal with anything that could rear its ugly head. Soon you start to believe that even things you could change are hopeless. Victims rarely make it to achieve their dreams.
5) The Nose Turner: The "I Told You So" Effect:
You really do get what you say. The Nose Turners are those people that are always predicting something negative to happen in their lives. Sure, they have great excuses to back up their cynicism but in actuality they are blocking their own life positives. They always say things like: “Oh girl I keep finding these men that are dogs” or “Man you know I can’t find a job in this economy” or “Stuff always happens to me!” Then when things happen along those lines, they go back to their favorite, character defining phrase “I Told You So.” Now you may be wondering why I separated The Victim from The Nose Turner. The difference between the two is that the victim takes a passenger side view of life. They are constantly allowing outside factors to sway them. The Nose Turner is in COMPLETE control of their life but they’re steering down the wrong side of the road. Their lives are the way they are because they MAKE them the way that they are. Let’s take the “Oh girl I keep finding these men that are dogs” woman. Every man on the planet is not on negativity so chances are the reason you run into this situation has something to do with you. Maybe your selection of males needs fine tuning. Maybe you don’t know how to spot a good man. Maybe you haven’t cultivated characteristics in yourself that a good man would be attracted to. The Nose Turner’s path to destruction is in their predictions. They constantly make judgments BEFORE the situation is fully developed. Your mind then starts to believe what you are saying and you subconsciously make it so. I mean who doesn’t want to be right?
6) The Chess Player: The "Tit For Tat" Effect
Anything you can do, I can do better. Anything you do to be, I can do back to you harder. The Chess Player is an individual who is always on the defensive. People who are always talking about the things other people and world did to them and how they will get their revenge. “My boss rolled his eyes at me so I’m going to cuss him out and quit.” Now you are out of a job. The Chess Player lets their focus on other situations hinder their own progress. The Chess Player’s road to destruction is that their need for defense blocks their offense. Some things you should just let roll off your back. I always say people would be better off if they really knew how little time people spend thinking about them let alone plotting against them. The best way to play the game of life is a strong offense and a stable defense, i.e. I am focused on making myself better and if problem arise, I handle them. Simple as that.
These Toxic Thinking Patterns are the most popular ones. These are not the only TTP’s and I will be updating my blog with others as they become more prominent. The key to change is acknowledgement and we all are guilty of TTP situations, however never let these patterns start to rule how you think in general. Know what they are so that when they arise you can address them. Hope this Helps!