Sunday, March 6, 2011

How To Tell The Good Men From The Bad Men....

Good men don't always ride white horses and bad men don't always ride harleys. In fact good men can be bad men and bad men can be good men. People treat different people differently. One woman's good man could be another woman's torture. So how do you spot a man that is bad for you versus a man that will do you right?
Here are a few tips....

1)He doesn't respect anyone:
He doesn't respect authority. He doesn't respect his elders. He doesn't respect people that help him. He is in a constant battle with....everyone. Chances are he's been locked up or thrown out of some establishment in his lifetime. The people that should be close to him, family, friends, etc usually aren't. At first you may think that this man is strong, masculine, independent, and courageous but honestly, he's just a rebel without a cause. You have to respect someone in life. If he cannot find anyone he listened to before you, he will not listen to you either. Alot of women fall victim to wanting to be a man's everything. That he will magically be mean to everyone around him but you. In all actually, he probably has not gotten around to disrespecting you yet... but its coming. Behind all the bravado is usually a scared and hurt individual lashing out irrationally. So, if your man hates authority, is constantly disrespecting everyone around him, and always bucking the system even to his detriment, you can put him in the BAD category and get away while your dignity is still in tact.

2) He never has anything to say to you
Some men are not the best communicators. Some men have problems displaying their emotions. But even if its not always serious convo, they should want to talk to you. Even when you do get him to hang out with you (which I'm sure is rare as well), you sit in an awkward silence. A man that has nothing to talk about with you probably is either not interested or emotionally inept. Either one leads to some bad relationships. A man that doesn't find you interesting will never wake up one day and start cherishing you. Communication is key. This is not to say he can't communicate with anyone but if he doesn't communicate with you, we have to ship his no talking ass to the BAD category.

3)He comes highly not recommended
Everybody is not lying. If he has left a trail of women in his wake, chances are he's a bad boy. Newsflash: you will not be the one to change him. Get over the Madam Safe a Life complex we women sometimes get. Even if you do somehow "reform" his ways, you usually end up miserable and wanting out of the relationship. So let players play and find a man who is in a mental and physical position in his life to treat you well.

4) He's All Propaganda
These guys are fun. They talk a great game but when it comes down to it, you never see the proof in their pudding. The Classic "I swear Ill make it up to you" guy, the dreamer "One day we will..." guy, and the infamous "If you have just given me time.." guy. No matter how much time, energy, and care is spent, they never seem to come through. Honestly, most things that look too good to be true are. The man of your dreams may snore...or watch too many sports...or make inappropriate jokes. Basically, even your dream man will be a real man. These men sell themselves as dreams because their real personalities are far from what you would want. So if you're waiting for the "day that never comes." Dump him in the BAD pile and lets move on.

5) Nothing is His Fault
Be careful with this one because it usually does not start out with you. Watch how he handles situations that don't go well for him. Does he ever take responsibility for his actions? Is it always his boss's fault, his ex's fault, that guy at the bar's fault? If he never thinks his wrong, in the relationship, that makes YOU wrong. His classic line is "This wouldn't have happened if you..." You don't want to be with someone who constantly makes you the villain and them the victim. Not only is it damn annoying, you will lash out and actually become the villain after a while. Don't sully your good name. On to the next.

6) He's Mean to the Weak and the less fortunate
This one is HUGE. The measure of a man is in how he treats the people he does not have to be nice to. Does he get mad at old ladies for taking too much time? Does he hate children? Does he get inexplicably mad at the waitress? Does he get mad because a homeless man touched his jacket? Not only does he lack respect, he lacks regard for people that cannot do anything for him. he usually lacks empathy as well. These men tend to be prone to fits of rage and unbalanced aggression. NOT a good situation. This means he'll lose regard for you when you are no longer "useful." Now he doesn't have to want kids or volunteer at the nursing home to not be in this category but if he's mean to the "sweet" members of our society. Run...and run fast.

7) He hates everyone that loves you
A good man will never strain your relationship with your loved ones. If your man has made your life a tug of war. If you feel your friends and family slipping away, slip away with them. First, your friends and family probably see something you don't and that is putting him on alarm to pull you away. Second, this is text book controlling and manipulative behavior. After all, you are not going to leave a man when you have nowhere to go right? Don't get yourself in such a hopeless situation. You can tell this man because he usually has a lack of close friends and family himself. He constantly talks with an us against the world philosophy. He's suspicious and your time out of his presence gets to be less and less over time. Family came first, they should stay. A good man will rise to the occasion to gain acceptance from your friends and family. The only ones that won't, have something to hide.

8) There are Other Women
It would seem this is self explanatory but apparently not. If there are known other women in the picture, please don't set yourself up to get your feelings hurt. Now if you are just wanting a good time with a guy, by all means its 2011, do you. But you cannot make a stable relationship with 5 6 or 7 members! If he can't let the other women go, and you're relationship ready...leave and maybe you can rekindle something at a more stable time in both of your lives sans the other members. Staying only makes the situation worse until the inevitable blow up...and after that...a later connection is no longer possible.

These are just some of the really BIG warning signs that the guy may be a bad fit for you. We all are different. We all require different things in a relationship but every women deserves to be treated like a princess. And trust me there is a man out there more than capable to do the job well. You have to know that some things never lead anywhere good. Remember just because he displays some of these characteristics does not mean he is a bad guy in life but he will tend to be in a relationship. You have the right to analyze your partner before jumping into something with them. If they possess qualities you just can't live with, maybe its time for greener pastures. The good men will thank you and you'll thank yourself.

Hope This Helps,

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Why are YOU single?

Why am I alone? So many people are getting to that age when their friends are getting married or are in serious committed relationships. You look up and realize that it has been just you for a while now. But you just can't put your finger on what it is that gets you out of there every date. What's stopping you from finding that perfect match? Well, here are some of the key factors in why people end up alone on Saturday nights. This isn't all of them but its a start to the guide to get you in that relationship you want.

1) You are emotionally unavailable:

This could either be on purpose or completely unintentional. When people are busy, their emotions are invested somewhere else, whether that someone else be their job, their friends, or themselves. People can sense when you will not be able to give them your all and few will stick around once that is recognized. Now if this is on purpose and you are intentionally unavailable and know the consequences of it, it is not a bad thing. Sometimes its necessary to invest in yourself. But many people have taken their head out of the relationship game and don't even realize it. Emotionally unavailable people still sometimes make it into relationships, which has always been odd to me. They tend to be unattentive and borderline mean. Some forget things then take it out on their partners. Others are just relationship lazy. They expect their partner to do everything while they focus on themselves. It is not because they are bad people, it is because emotionally they are just not there. They treat their partner more as an accessory to their busy life than a partner.

The only solution to emotional shut in syndrome is simply effort and time. You are probably distant because your focus is somewhere else. But now that you know you are unavailable you can make a conscious decision to pay more attention to your dating life and the people in it. The time factor comes in because sometimes it is simply not the right time. Your heart wants something that your mind and body can't cash. So if your career is in its flux or your family needs you or you are more comfortable spending time by yourself, sometimes your best option is to wait until your life clears up and you can give a budding relationship the attention it deserves. Don't try to fit a relationship in your life when you aren't stable or present. It never works.

2)You don't believe in relationships:

So many people suffer from this one. They are in relationships but they talk to me and say: " I don't know if I believe in relationships. They don't work." My response is also a heart felt: " Why the hell are you in one??" Seriously people, you get what you believe. Its like the little girl whose mom packed her a cookie and she just knew the cookie was going to be stale. So she didn't eat it and put it in her desk. Four weeks later she took the cookie out her desk and ate it. "See," she said, " I told you it was stale." Point being your insecurities and disbelief may be the thing messing up the relationship. If you don't believe in something, you don't ACT like you believe in it. You may be doing things like being sarcastic, rude, jealous, and manipulative in response to something that isn't even going on. Have a little faith or be single. Relationships are hard enough without one person sabotaging it.

3) You don't have people skills:

Some of the best people in the world are single due to this reason. Talking to people is an art form, whether it be a romantic relationship, a friendly relationship, or a business one. Have you ever met someone that just "came off" a certain way? Well, that may be you. For example, a lot of people say I can come off very serious. I'm actually one of the silliest people in the world. Since hearing that, I focus on smiling more when I come into a room and using hand gestures and light convo to put people at ease around me. People who lack social skills are usually the ones left asking their entire lives: "Whats wrong with me? I have all these qualities but I can never find anybody" Its not you. Its your skills. The best way to combat this is to be more confident, which is usually thwarted by years of basic solidarity. Start off small. Talk to the clerk as you are checking out your bags at the store. Smile at the pretty girl or the handsome man at your job. Do all actions with a sense of demand and confidence. Its like weight loss.. As each behavior is rewarded, you'll want to do it more and more.

4) You are trying too hard:

Men and women are sometimes guilty of this. You call too much. You flirt too much. You make a love connection out of every date you go on. No one likes desperate and its oozing out of your pores. Newsflash: we all would like to find love. But it doesn't have to be every breath you take. Men and women like a good chase. We want someone who shows us interest but isn't too overpowering. Let your date return the favor. It does not necessarily have to be a game and there are no rules to it. But by pulling back a little, it allows them to either step forward (which gives you confidence) or step back (which lets you know they are not the one). Either way win-win :) My advice with dealing with your antsy behaviors is simple: find something else to do. I know alot of people are not going to agree with this but in the example of this personality its for the best. DATE MULTIPLE PEOPLE. Caution: Not saying string people along and be in five relationships. But in the prepubescent stages of new dating experiences, it is OK to have more than one prospect. This allows you to spread out your LOADS of attention so everybody gets just the right amount. When you are giving Bobby space, you can be talking to Jason. But don't let things get out of hand. Once you've sealed the deal with Bobby, Jason has to go. But that should not be a problem...because you kept it real with everyone right? ;)

5) Your standards are out of whack

Notice I did not say the age old "your standards are too high" because I don't believe that. Standards should always be high. You should always believe you can go to Harvard and be a millionaire. But you should also take a look at other opportunities that come your way. That's how you approach dating. Simple things like height, race, occupation in a mate are things you don't know if you will like until you try. But never change your moral and character standards. Those should always be in place. Standard being out of whack can mean your standards are unrealistic but it can also mean your standards are misplaced.Just because you could be sometimes in the future doesn't mean you can get it at this point in your life. Some standards may be a little misplaced. For example, he has to make 100000 because I'm in school and when I get out, that's what I will be making. Well give him a chance as well. You are not making that yet. Sometimes you have to wait to get the best. So if you're aiming for the stars you have to make the journey up to them. Make sure your standards are fair. You'd want them to be for you.

6) You are finicky:

Ashley, aren't finicky and high standards the same? NO Finicky by dictionary standards is "insisting capriciously (with random mood changes) on getting just what one wants; difficult to please." In other words, you don't know what you want until something walks in front of you and that's suddenly better than what you had. NO ONE LIKES FINICKY PEOPLE. Its irritating because its unpredictable. He or she could be your moon and stars one day and lower than the ground the next. The only cure for finicky behavior is insight. Everything that glitters isn't gold was written for the finicky individual. At the end of the day, you are going to have to pick someone and stick with them...or be single. Those are the only choices.

At the end of the day being single is a natural healthy process that I encourage all adults to try at some point to figure out what they want. But if you are in this state constantly and are wanting a change, these may be some of your downfalls. You can and will have a fulfilling relationship but acknowledgement is key to change. So put your best foot forward and go get em.

Hope This Helps,

Thursday, January 13, 2011

How to Keep and Utilize Your Friends!

We all have friends that we love and live life with and we also all have those relationships that are well, more like acquaintances than actual friendships. Some friends are there everyday, some friends don't seem to do much of anything. But in this life we need as many friends as we can get and maintain so here's my little manual to keeping your friends and making the best out of your relationship.

1) You Can't Keep Everyone...
I'm sorry. I wish you could. But the general rule of thumb here is you have to lend yourself to a circle of people traveling in the direction you are traveling. Now does this mean, I'm an engineer, they have to be engineers? No. Its more of a framework of goals and lifestyle choices. Do you both believe in progressive moment? To what lengths are you willing to reach their goals? Do you live a low key or more upbeat lifestyle? Are you drama free? Etc. Contrary to popular beliefs, single and married people, different incomes, different religions, opposite sexes, and different occupations can be lifelong friends if these views are similar.
If you are trying to be the best you can be, someone who is not is a hindrance. It doesn't make you a bad person or a failure to let some relationships go. I know it feels that way but you only have one life to live and you don't need to live it with weights around your ankles. Yeah they were your friend back since the 5th grade but if they've started nothing but havoc and drama since the playgrounds, it may be time to let them go. So how do you know if you are going in the same direction? Simple. You already know. My readers are smart :). If you think about it for a while, you will know if you and your friends are on the same page.
2) Eliminate Drama...
Please people. If someone is about drama in their lives or causes drama in yours, you need to sit down and figure out what the problem is. If there is no resolution to the negativity, it may be time to let them go. How do you know someone is about the drama? Almost eeeverytime you talk to them, its about some crap. There are no "Hey how are you, Lets get lunch" conversations. Now there is a difference between a Mess Drowner and a Mess Starter however. Mess drowners use drama as an addiction. They never start it but always seem to be in it. This usually comes from lack of self esteem and bad choices. These things can be rectified with time and alot of patience but the Mess Starter is almost impossible to change. The Mess Starter enjoys meddling and provoking. They always seem to have a match near the building when it explodes. Sadly, most of the time, they just have to be removed. Not only for you but for the rest of your circle. If there is one problem, it is best to remove that person before you lost all your relationships.
3) Let The Pettiness and Jealousy Go
Men are going to be like...Ohh this one is for the ladies. No its for you too. People are naturally comparison driven and if you are around someone that may have an aspect of life they are doing well in, you may feel those pangs of jealously creep in. Just remember that this is your friend and not your enemy. The more
your friends succeed, the better you look. So rejoice in their success. You'd want them to do that for you. Avoid pettiness as well amongst your friends. Remember to look at the other all picture...your friendship. Keep that strong. So many people have huge blowout with their friends and weeks later can't even remember what the fight was about, but the damage is done. Rise above the he said/she said and your differences. So what she bought the same purse you have. So what he invited you last to a party at his house (I'm not making this up). At the end of the day, if you have a friend you can depend on, count yourself lucky and bite your tongue sometimes.
4) Know That You Have a Good Thing
As I just stated, you have a good thing! Once you've found that strong inner circle of a few people you can count on, make sure you let them know it. reciprocate friendship and be thankful for it. Friends are not there to be used and thrown away, its a delicate relationship that may be even more complicated than romantic relationships. Go out on a guys night or a girls retreat and crack some jokes. It will make your bond stronger.

Now that you have your friends solid, here are ways you and them can use your friendship to the utmost of its capabilities. Friends provide an excellent setting for networking and feedback. Here are three ways to utilize friendly ties:

1) Start Joint Ventures
You spend a lot of time together. You have similar interests. Find some outlet where you guys can bond over what you love and make some bank. Now granted there is a delicate balance between work and friendship (another blog :)) but it can be done and those partnerships are priceless in the business world. If you and your buddy both like sports, open up a sports bar together. Put one person in charge of the actual bar and one person in charge of outside needs like advertising and sales. If you both love charity, start a non profit together. Use each of your strengths to grow the business into something you both can be proud of.
2) Network
Your friends know people you don't know. Good friends have hooked thousands of people up with jobs, friends, even relationships. If they have you as a friend chances are their other friends are similar too. This is especially crucial in a new city atmosphere. One friend can parlay you into an entire network. Have a party at your house and tell your friends to invite their friends...then yall can be friends! (LOL)
3) Celebrate With Them
Lastly enjoy your friends. That is what they are there for! You didn't put them in your life to argue with them and leave them. You chose them to travel with you through life. Toast to those hard times you overcame together!

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”-Anonymous

Hope This Helps,

Sunday, January 2, 2011

The OTHER people in your relationship. Part IV: The Status Quo

You are influenced and so am I. So much of who we are is the culture around us. Many aspects of beauty, truth, manners, mindset, and behaviors are learned through your environment, so it is a fair assumption to tell you that the status quo may play a major role in your relationship.

1) There Is No Such Thing As Perfect: Today more than ever status quo focuses on the creation of perfection. Alot of this comes from the half truths we see on tv and walking around. I mean come on a Bridalplasty show to create the perfect bride?? Every show the people have money and plastic surgery and "perfect lives." The handsome guy in the business suit that plays on tv. The girl with hair down to here that works at your job and gets all the attention. You don't see his obsession with cheating or her never calling those men back. I hear alot of "I just want this....and that..and that...and that" from both sexes. I am a champion of firm standards but you have to understand that your need to look for fit instead of perfection. You are not perfect and neither is your partner. The key to keeping this from being a problem is twofold:
A) Always remember the great aspects of your mate. When he snores, think of how he always listens to your problems. When she's complaining about her day, remember those back rubs and dinners you get. This way you aren't punishing your partner for mediocre flaws in their personality. Believe me you will want that same kindness when you are in your moods.
B) Remember that perfection does not exist no matter how hard people around you try to portray it. The video vixen, that football player, that girl or guy on Facebook is no closer to 100% than the love of your life. Don't get tricked into believing trumped up claims of superiority. I've seen alot of people give up someone good based on the idea that someone "better" will come along. But having a good man/woman IS as good as it gets. And ten years from now that will trump the glamorous facade so many people portray.

2) You're Never Going To Go Blind Deaf and Dumb: I hear this one alot from men. "Oh when the right one comes, I'll know because I won't see anyone but her!" Wrong. Those other women will still be beautiful, tantalizing, and free for the taking. That won't change. The key is being mentally mature and getting a person of substance. Be mature enough to say "Yes she is attractive but what I have matches me well and I Don't want to give that up." If you can't say that than either they're not the one for you or you're not ready for a relationship. Either way, they need to know. The best way to deal with this is to face the status quo head on. Acknowledge how it affects you...

3) Know the Limits of Your Own Self Esteem: This one folks in crucial. I know it sounds weird but I've found that most people either overestimate or underestimate their egos. Some people have the urge to be societally acceptable and that is perfectly fine. That's a choice. So if you know that you lean towards needing society's approval, don't date someone that won't get you that! Its not fair to the person you are with. If you want a mate that your friends ooh and ahh over, that rivals a movie star's looks and a model's fashion, get that. You will never be satisfied with the girl next door. We'd all much rather you be shallow than a heart beaker :). On the other hand if you are dating someone just for their looks, money, status, etc. but you find yourself secretly glancing at a more down to Earth person, this is also unfair. Don't society trick you into thinking glamour is the same as love. How much patting on the back you need from society, as much as its unpopular to mention, DOES influence your decision. You just have to know how.

4) Stay Away From Statistics and Labels: Theres nothing society likes more than putting things in a box. Women have turned into this. Today's man is that. And of course there is usually some truth to claims but statistics don't have to mean YOU. Sometimes we're so busy falling into or trying to climb out of statistics, we don't see the reality of our lives. There are plenty of successful relationships. Don't damn yours before it starts based on how many Hollywood couples are cheating on each other. Don't cheat on your girl because everyone else is doing it. Don't bash your man because statistics say he may be cheating on you. People naturally fall into what they believe is the medium. If you believe everyone cheats, you may cheat a little. If you think every woman is out to get your man, which is ridiculous, you may become the crazy girlfriend. Don't be lazy and live only to the standard set for your relationship, set your own rules. Don't flirt with other people because its not acceptable in YOUR relationship. Talk to each every night because its something you like to do in YOUR relationship. Lastly,keep optimistic. Trust your own instincts and allow yourself to be happy without fear of the news.

At the end of the day, the status quo is always trying to keep up with the Jones's but let's be real, you don't know who the Jones's are. So live the life best suited for you and be with the partner best suited for you. When the Status Quo comes against you and yours, don't be afraid to create your own name and blaze your own trail.

Hope This Helps,

Saturday, November 27, 2010

7 Things Women Should Know About Men

I write alot of blogs for both men and women but I want to address the women in this one. As a little girl, you weren't really told that much about the inner workings of men (I know I wasn't). I saw men as these "other" people that lived by a different code than women. That we'd never understand each other but you would have to find a way to coexist. But as I've grown older, had male friends, had relationships, I realized men aren't all that hard to figure out. So these are just some points to take into consideration ladies as we interact with our opposite sex...

1) Its Hard Being A Man:
There is a lot of media attention about how hard it is to be us ladies but honestly, its hard to be either sex these days. Men have pressures just like we do. Because they have been presented as the dominant sex, it is sometimes easy to forget that your way in the world is not made just because you are a man. In some aspects, the world is far less kind to men. For example, single men can't get government assistance if their life depended on it. You're far less likely to help out a homeless man than a homeless woman. Men go through stress strain self doubt and issues as we do. If you understand that, its easier to relate. If you realize your man is in a bad mood or is off in his own world, this is not the time to compare the severity of your days. Give him a hug, tell him you understand. Men are not indestructible so be the welder and not the wrecking ball.
2) Settling Down Really Can Be That Scary For Them:
They're not lying. Especially when a man is having insecurities on his ability to provide financially and emotionally for another person, the last thing they want to do is commit. It is a scary thought that you will have to support you, a wife, and kids. If you don't go to work, nobody eats. So don't pressure relationships. Men have a way of coming around but take heed to his words. Most men's logic makes sense. If he is not feeling secure, he probably will not make a good mate right now anyway.
3) Men Have Feelings Too:
Women I'm sure you know this from having male friends, men are sensitive. In our society, sensitivity is a weakness so they probably won't burst into tears over dinner. But know that you CAN hurt his feelings. And considering men are rarely taught how to deal with emotions such as heartbreak and disappointment in a healthy manner, you may see a side of him you would never want to see. It is part of your job in a relationship to protect your partners feelings but I see so many women ripping into their man and when he says something back, they go cry. Why do you assume your arrows don't penetrate when his did? Find a way to communicate with your partner. It doesn't have to be normal talk sessions, whatever works for you guys. But the longer you stay with your partner, the more you'll get a gage for what insults penetrate. Warning: This is not an advantage to bring up in an argument. Refrain from ever hitting low blows. Men are much more inclined to leave when their feelings are hurt than women. If you hit that blow, you may never have a chance to fix it. So protect him and he'll protect you. The more you're kind to him, the more likely he'll be inclined to never hurt you.
4) A Man Needs His Masculinity
This goes with the point above. Not only have I seen women say hurtful things but emasculating things. Never attack a man's ability to provide, his strength, his essence of masculinity if you want that man. I can guarantee you your relationship will be short lived. Men have the proclivity to want to be perceived as kings. But women get this confused: its not a dominance thing, its a respect thing. They want to know they are cherished and respected. Be discrete about disagreements. Keep your relationship in house. Men perceive a loss of respect of their peers when they see him not getting respect from his own lady. A man with a wounded ego is like a dog with a broken leg; they may be the sweetest but when they are wounded, they bite. Because of the rise of women in successful arenas, we sometimes forget that its not a competition between you and your man. It does not make you weak to cook him dinner, rub his back, and say to him: "I'm so blessed you are in my life. I love you" Not only does a little pampering of your man promote peace but it stops him from wanting to leave the house for attention, helping you with those other contenders we just talked about ;).
5) Men Are The Strong Helpless Type:
They don't need you but they need you. As confusing as that is, it is true. Hence why men are so obsessed with the "ride or die" chick image. They need to know you're not going anywhere so they can rely on you with a sound mind. Although ride or die is not particularly healthy (that's another blog spot :) The concept I will agree with is stability. Its hard to knock a woman who is always the same and never waivers. As women we sometimes have a tendency to let our emotions build and then explode. You ever heard your man tell you that you're crazy when you do that or sit there perplexed wondering why you're not the same as he left you. The reason men don't respond favorably to outbursts is that they begin to doubt your stability. He begins to question: "Who am I gonna come home to today?" Now true, men like the exciting, wild, unpredictable women but they rarely are with them long term. Men like peace at their house. This one is the hardest for me because I'm a natural talker. When I feel a certain way, I want to stop everything and talk about it until my little heart is content. But try not to bombard the man at the door. Instead, relax, give him a kiss, and talk it over calmly later on in the night. He's more likely to listen and you keep the stable vibe. You want your man to want to come home, to be around you, and to feel like he can count on you being around and being consistent.
6) Men Like Women:
That's why he got you in the first place. That doesn't change simply because one is in a relationship. You cannot take every women off the planet to protect your man so instead of screaming when he looks at Nia Long in Friday or taking away the man's porn collection (yeah I said it), understand that he is not on the verge of cheating. A good man is not one who sees no woman but you, a good man is a man who chooses you REGARDLESS of the other women he sees. Be confident in yourself. When you go out, compliment the waitress on her hair enjoy your dinner then take your man home. He got you for a reason, she's not sitting in your position.
7) There are Differences Between Us but Our Cores Are the Same
We're all actually quite simple when you break it down. Don't do anything to a man you wouldn't want done to you. We're the same in wanting love, respect, peace, honesty, and companionship.

I can't and won't say I know everything there is to know about men. I'm learning with you guys! But I will say this:men aren't too hard to figure out but you have to know the basics. I hear women say "submitting, taking of a mans feelings is so hard." Trust me its not hard for the right man. If you don't believe your man deserves these considerations, you may want to ask yourself what kind of man you have and why you're still there with him. Relationships whether romantic, friendship, familial, etc. take compromise. But you can't compromise effectively unless you know what the other person wants.

Hope This Helps,

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The OTHER people in your relationship. Part III: The Contenders

In relationships, we want to reign supreme. We want our presence to be the only one felt by our partner. But there is and always will be a lot of temptation out there. There are two types of temptation however: dormant and aggressive. Dormant temptation is just good looking individuals that happen to be around your mate. They don't necessarily want them or are doing anything to get them. This type of temptation there is really no relief from. Just as your partner has to come to the conclusion that good looking people exist around you, you have to do the same with them. However, aggressive temptation is what we are focusing on today. The men and women that are actively trying to initiate a response from your significant other. We'll call these people, the contenders. But instead of feeling discouraged or pressured by the presence of other men or women, you can train yourself on how to deal with these individuals who seek to steal your mate from you.

1) Don't Engage the Enemy: Women, this is for us especially. I know the women around your mate can infuriate you with their blatant acts. In today's society more than ever some women feel that relationships are just survival of the fittest. If they get your man from you, that is just how the game is played. There is less and less moral contempt for the "home wrecker". However, do not engage in a game of tit for tat with this other woman. This is not a good idea for several reasons:
One: She is probably better at it than you. Yeah if she is doing something like actively trying to steal someone's mate, this probably is not her first time at the rodeo.
Two: It ruins your character. Be above the trickery. Your have the world's respect at this point. You have done nothing wrong. You are the innocent party. Keep it that way.
Ok Ashley so I can't key her car ;)...What can you do you ask?
One: Have a civil conversation with her:
If you MUST talk to her. If you simply cannot hold your peace, invite her out to a public setting where neither of you can let the situation escalate and set down your expectations. Some women will back down in the face of a confident woman making demands. But do not let her bate you. Say your peace and leave. After she has been told, she can no longer claim she did not know and that is all you want from her. You cannot control another woman but you can...
Two: Handle your mate.
From this point on every interaction you should have should be with your mate. The other individual should no longer affect you, you have said your peace. If the relationship does not work out, it is now in the hands of your significant other. Grown people have a responsibility to not be swayed. If you are grown you make grown decisions. So with that being said, here are ways to keep your mate's attention and loyalty towards you while still smelling like a rose :)

2) Be Confident:
Confidence hides many a flaw. You are the individual in the relationship. Your significant other cares for you so act like it. Confidence shines from the inside out and makes you ten times more attractive than you would be without it. Insecure people tend to be less attractive. So in the face of contenders, smile, put on your best outfit and never let them see you sweat. Trust and confidence go hand in hand. And your partner will appreciate your lack of concern and insecurity. After all, "to be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved." - George MacDonald. Your mate will take notice and love you the more for your ability to always believe in your own worthiness.

3) Set Guide Rules and Expectations:

This should actually be done before the emergence of these other people. Early int he relationship, ground rules should be set on how the two of you as individuals feel about different relationship events that could happen. This isn't always the most pleasant conversation so I usually make it into a game. Everyone around me knows that I like the game Scenarios. Its a game where you both sit down over food or coffee and just ask each other scenarios and tell each other truthfully how you would handle them. You can touch upon questions about infidelity, money, sex, love, careers, anything. Mix it up. Don't make it about one subject. And since its a back and forth game, it does not feel like an inquisition. For this situation some good scenarios are:
-"What if we were in the mall and a guy/girl I knew came up and was acting really flirty with me in your presence, what would you do?"
-"What if you had a coworker that was interested in you and came onto you every day and I had no idea about them. What would you do?"
As each question is answered, foster an environment where you can talk about why you feel the way you feel. That way these are all things you have talked about and know what the other person expects from you.

4) Don't Set Up Impossible Situations and Expectations
This goes hand in hand with the expectations you set. Be realistic. Don't set your partner up in situations that are lose-lose.On one hand just no there is no way for your partner to avoid everyone that thinks they are attractive. On the opposite end, don't sign your partner up for a retreat where the coworker that likes them will share a cabin with them either. Being too jealous or too condoning just sets up an atmosphere of a confused relationship. And in a confused relationship, the wrong things gets done alll the time. One example is the phone checking. I hear people say all the time that they check their mate's phone but don't like their mate to check theirs. That's ludicrous. Ask yourself if you were in the situation your partner is would you be comfortable with the rule you set... That's a good way to gage.

5) Remind Them Why They Chose You
If you are feeling threatened... instead of focusing on the relationship between them and mystery person, focus on your own relationship. Bring back the spark. Be romantic. Show them the times they loved to spend with you. Be genuine and loving. Cook them a meal or put on those extra high heels or dapper suit. Try something you guys have been meaning to try. Plan a vacation or a quiet evening home and reaffirm why you two are together. Its good for both of you to see that you made a good choice in staying together.

6) Enjoy Yourself
Too much of life is spent worrying about things we have little control over. At the end of the day (I know it hurts), if they want to cheat on you, they probably will. And if they don't, they will not. So stop worrying over something that has not even and may not even happen. Enjoy your time spent with your significant other. Don't punish your relationship because of fear. Create an environment where you love to be and others will love to be there also.

Hope This Helps,

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The OTHER people in your relationship. Part II: The Inner Circle

Let's face it. It would be really nice to eliminate the world's expectations for your relationship. How nice would it be to just pick each other and ride off into the sunset simple as that. Well, if you're going about your relationship like that you are bound for some uncomfortable surprises as your significant other meets the other people of your life and you meet the other people who are in their lives.

These other people can be in the form of various people and all should be treated differently. I will give you a guide on how to specifically manage and interpret each one of these individual categories... Let's focus on the second intruder: The Inner Circle.

Having an inner circle of blood relatives and close friends is a necessity for a healthy life. Friends enrich you as well as keep you grounded. Family reminds you of who you are. True friends are hard to find and are worth holding onto. Good family structure is to be cherished and upheld. But family and friends are still human. They lead completely separate lives than you do. Sometimes even their best attempts and advice can wreak havoc in your life.

#1: Keep the Details to Yourself

This is a warning. You should never tell anyone every single detail of your relationship. One, it is just disrespectful to your partner to converse with others about their personal business. Two, in anger we tend to vent but the people we vent to dont forget just because we forget. Anything you say will be held against your partner. If you don't want that to happen, don't tell them. Your family and friends love you. They never want to see you hurt,so it is engrained in them to dislike people that hurt you. So unless you like awkward dinners and parties, keep the inner working of your disagreements to yourself. Now if you truly feel the relationship is over then its healthy to tell people, do you have to be certain there is no chances for reconcilliation.

#2: Discern What Advice To Keep and What Advice to Discard
Good friends and family usually come with good advice. Even if the advice is good, if you are not ready to take it, DO NOT TAKE IT. Sometimes in life we have to do things at our own place. If you feel like your relationship is in a bad place but you just are not ready to let it go, use your own timeline. You do not want to end up resenting a friend that was just trying to help just because you rushed into something you were not willing to do. Family is an even harder one to sort out. Remember that your family members love you but they are also bonded to you for life so they will not hold their tongues in telling their opinions. I mean, what are you going to do? Leave them? probably not. So everything they tell you, you have to expect them to have a little more bite with their talks. But try to take away from it the underlying message.

Ways to Know Good Advice From Bad Advice
-Know the People Around You: If you really think about it, you already know who has your best interests at heart. Be more ready to hear their advice than self serving others.Though their love for you does not necessarily make them right, they usually have something to say that you need to hear
- Hurting People Hurt People:
Recognize the state in which the advice was given. When people are in a depressed state, their advice is usually depressing. It is not so much the state of life of the person but the state of emotion. Alot of people get this confused. Your single friends can give great advice. Your involved friends can give awful advice. Don't look so much at whether or not they are in a relationship but rather if they are happy and confident in general. Happy confident people give the best advice (This is not to be confused with pseudo confidence and putting on a show however). Usually if you think about it hard enough you know which ones of your friends enjoy their lives and live it to the best of their ability and those friends should be your advice sources.
- Everybody Is Not Wrong: Repetition is your friend. We all have blinders on when it comes to our mates. It serves you well to know this. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. Everyone is not going to like your significant other nor are they required to, but when NO ONE close to you likes your relationship, there usually is a reason. Most relationships are not worth losing everyone around you.

#3: Be Your Own Person:
If you like someone and they are good to you, they deserve the respect of having a fighting chance in a relationship with you. And you deserve to see it through. I have seen countless relationships ruined because a friend or family member didn't like the individual because of something that is more congruent with their own standards. They do not have to date them...You do.

Lastly, if you are having a problem between your friends and family and your significant other and it is not caused by their treatment of you, there are ways to mend these relationships...
1. Respect your partner: If you respect them, other people will. The opposite is also true. Let the ones around you know that you will stand firm beside them as long as they are with you. The people around you will respond to this united front by at least being more tolerant of your mate for fear of your disregard.
2. Create situations for fun gatherings: Let the people around you see how much fun your mate can be. Let them interact with them not as your boyfriend/girlfriend but as a member of the group. This eases tensions and provides chances for individual relationships to form (This is especially imperative in Mom/girlfriend and Dad/boyfriend bonding).
3. Be happy: Honestly, the people around you love you. If you are happy, that will shine through. And the reason for your happiness will also become clear as well.

Hope This Helps,