Friday, June 25, 2010
A gentlemen holding flowers and candy. A man who opens car doors and pays attention to your wants and needs. It sounds so perfect but many men who do exactly those
things are finding it hard to nail down that second date. From childhood, we are told that if we are nice and sweet, the world will shine upon us. So why is this not the case when dating? For those men out there doing everything right but still getting nowhere, there is a guide to dating your mother never told you about: ten things that
will get the nice guy that second encounter.
#1: Take the Bull by the horns
“I generally let the girl do what she wants to do in the relationship,” says B.R. Many times, letting anyone else run anything leads to you getting run over. Women are more independently successful, stable, and driven than ever before but they want to be in a relationship with someone just as reliable. They like to know that they can trust you to make decisions and take the lead.
“I don’t date guys that give me everything I want. It starts to feel like a thief and victim relationship and I don’t like the way I treat men that I get to boss around,” says NH. Women are privy to their Disney childhoods. Fairytales in which the prince rescues the helpless princess. Even though they may not be helpless, that want to be with the strong take charge male still exists. “Decision making is sexy. It makes me want to sit back and just enjoy the ride.” says NH.
#2: Pamper but Do Not Spoil
“I usually spend way more than I should on a woman I like. Every time the chick smiles, it makes me want to pull out hundreds, not that I have them to pull out.” says CA. Spoiling a woman is not a way to our hearts but more a way to be rejected. There is a difference between giving a woman gifts of appreciation and showering her with too much affection however. Many times it makes women feel confused and rushed.
“When a guy gives me too much it scares me!” says NH, “It feels like ‘Oh my God, what does he want in return for all this? Do I even like him that much?” Extensive gift giving makes the relationship move too fast. To many women, the money a man spends equates to the sex they believe they are required to give him later. In essence, you are paying for more than they are willing to offer at the moment. So save your money. Give gives often but spread them out and make them random. Set up more intimate, less expensive dates so that they can get to know you. That way its more romantic and less “date for hire.” Once the relationship has been established , feel free to increase the spending limit!
#3: Don’t Be Needy
“I love affection and feelings. When I like a girl I just want to be up under her all day.” Says PB. Women love that you are in touch with your feelings! You can show us you need us without being clingy. Clingy behavior is a pet peeve of most people of both sexes.
“I just feel like I’m dating a child!” says HP. “I love that you are into me but I need some space!” Yes, women need space too. They love to have time to miss you. People take for granted anything or anyone that is available too much. Spend time with the object of your affection but also give time and space for your own personal achievements and hobbies. It is always an excellent way to test how “into you” she is as well.
#4: Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations and Resentment
“I just have this perfect woman in my head. If see certain signs, I just get out of there!” says RO. Women, even the gorgeous ones, are human. They make mistakes. Being the idol of your affections is too much work!
“I feel like nice guys need you to be perfect. If the guy has visible flaws, I can be myself.” says AE. Make a list of the characteristics in a female you need and the ones you can live without and make some concessions on the latter points. You are a great guy but you have flaws as well. Perhaps, you will do better not focusing on their level of perfection but their percent compatibility with you individually.
#5: Be Spontaneous
“I plan everything out. I don’t want any surprises!” says PB. Women love a “devil may care” attitude. Some spontaneous activity also allows you and the woman to loosen up. Dating is nerve wracking and trying to predict every detail of the encounter makes you feel more at ease but allow for some spontaneity and in that spontaneity maybe romance.
“I love when a guy can just let loose and try anything. It makes me think of how passionate and creative he is and how creative he would be in other areas if you know what I mean,” says BA. Try to plan one part of the date and leave the other part of the date open to give a good balance. For example, plan dinner locations and leave your after dinner excursions open to where the date leads you.
#6: Don’t Hold Back In Conversation
“I am always so nervous in conversation. I feel like if I say the wrong thing, I won’t get another date so I try not to touch on anything serious,” says BE. Closed mouths do not get fed! Nice guys are often scared to bring up anything uncomfortable but those conversations about sex and feelings are what women like.
“I love guys that can have conversations about the nitty gritty with me. Talking about sex stimulates me even if I am not sure if I am going to sleep with you yet,” says Brittany Allen with a laugh. Conversations about titillating topics should not be strayed away from but embraced, just do not get vulgar. Women like to know that the man that they are with is comfortable with sex, feelings, and other deep topics. It adds to the air of confidence around you.
#7: Stop Taking Rejection So Hard.
“When I’m out at clubs, I rarely go up to girls. Every time I get rejected, I get a little more bitter,” says DW. Many guys are successful at dating because they just practice trial and error. When they see a girl they like they ask her out because she may work out. If they get rejected, they do not take it personal but instead take it lightly and move forward to another candidate.
“I like a man that wants me but is smooth and cool if I diss him. It makes me think he has something I am missing out on if I leave,” says SN. Women like resiliency. They sometimes give their number to guys after rejecting them so they can see how they take the rejection. The Clark Gable, “frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” persona has always been a way to reel in the ladies. So the next time a woman rejects you, remember that she is the one missing out, not you.
#8: Effortlessly Command the Room
“When I walk into the club, I slip to the side and find the nearest wall! Big crowds make me nervous,” says BE. A guy that can take charge of a room seems like a guy that can take over the world. Power and charm are very sexy to women; those are the two things you need to work a room.
“When a guy walks in the room, I instantly know if I want to have sex with him. Call it shallow but I like to see how other people react to him as well,” says SW.
#9: Be Driven
“I just kind of do whatever gets me by. I’m really not emotional about anything,” says WW. Women like emotional men as long as the emotion is channeled into something productive. “It’s not the success, it is the drive,” says BA. Drive often leads to success and also portrays the individual as passionate.
“I love passionate men that are really into something. Seeing a man work on his car or yell when he is watching sports is actually really hot,” says KP. Have a hobby or career goal that you put effort into. Drive is very sexy to women, because drive usually equals stability and control. And those are essential to a woman.
#10: Stop Focusing on Being The Nice Guy
Focus on being the right guy! “I mean I am good guy with a lot going on for myself. Why is dating so hard to me?” asks MB. As the classic saying by Rabbi Harold Kushner states : “expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge you because you are a vegetarian.”Simply, the rules of engagement do not change from person to person. Everybody claims to be a nice guy. Most women don’t even believe this unicorn of a nice guy exists. Even the not so nice guys know how to come off normal at first.
“To be honest with you I don’t even know if good guys exist. I’ve had supposedly good guys do me wrong too so I just go after what I want,” says KC. Everyone has their horror stories in dating regardless of their dating practices. Choose women that you are interested in and you could see yourself being a stable quality situation with; go after them. Instead of trying to prove your wholesomeness, work on a genuine connection with the woman.
Being nice is an excellent personality trait and this is never the reason why women do not like a particular male. So many men are under the impression that they were "too nice" and that's why they are mistreated and overlooked when dating. The real issue is most men lie to themselves about the real reason women are scared off by them. Being needy, lacking drive, lacking decision making, and others are not synonymous with being a good guy. If you are conscientious about exuding confidence and being yourself, women will notice the change.