Monday, February 15, 2010

Questions: Wifey Material

Every now and then I tackle questions to put my spin on issues I hear around the way. I was asked these two questions:What is wifey material? and why do men use it as an excuse to not be with someone? So ladies, lets examine shall we?

What is wifey material?
Well I know one thing, it is NOT necessarily wife material. Wifey is a noun created for women who are acting too closely to a position they have not and may never serve for a person. A wifey for all intensive purposes is a very tired, overworked girlfriend. Girlfriends and wives serve two diverging, distinct positions. A girlfriend shows her man who she is as an individual: the personality, the skills that make you the special woman that he needs. A wife is a more serving role as a husband is. Since both of you have combined your lives, you then function as a unit. The reason the faithfulness and service is not as hard as a wife is because of the halo of security a marriage brings. You are not only a wife but you have a husband. Wifey does not have a husband. I have seen girls berated for acting like girlfriends instead of wives when they have no rings and it is baffling. Because you cannot live with me, it is a bad thing? People that play house often don't get the house. Sounds to me like you need a wife and you haven't offered me that position. Who wants to do more work for less pay and benefits?

In my experience wifey material DOES NOT MATTER.
I know everyone is going to be up in arms about that one but let me explain. I did not say wifey material does not EXIST. There are women out there who possess qualities that make them more attractive as "wifeys", but those traits and that definition are like beauty- there's an undeniable "society standard" but most of it is in the eye of the beholder.

Men Do What They Want.
From what I have found, men still pick at the end of the day who they want whether they be societally "wifeable" or not. Women do not give men enough credit for this decision because men don't want the credit. Alot of times it is easier to say that a decision is due to either society or your lack of conviction instead of making a firm stand. The reason why its easier?-accountability. For example, not dating someone because society says they shouldn't be together or playing mum until the person leaves you places the responsibility of the situation in someone else's hands. I'm going to be real with you ladies for a second. A man that really wants you will stop at nothing to have you. A man who is on the fence will be the one with excuses. Yes, your man is romantic. Yes, your man could woo you. Yes, your man does know how to make you happy. If he is dragging his feet, it is certainly not because he does not know HOW. So if he isn't, what's the excuse?

I've fallen for it before too but please believe that the excuses are just that. So next time you hear "Baby, I can't be with you because you are too good a woman for me", "Baby, I can't be with you because you're not wifey material," "Baby, I just am not vibing with you", know that these things have NEVER stopped a man before. For example, look at Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian. Sorry, but you would think a man with such a sweet demeanor and presence would never be caught dead with a proverbial porn star on his arm. Make you think? It should. Man will wife women with reputations, unattractive women, crazy women if that is what they WANT to do. So that only leaves what you allow yourself to be worth.

If Not Wifey Then What?
Women, we have got to create better standards for ourselves on how we want to be treated. We're so interested in conquering a man we forget to ask ourselves if we really want the spoils of war! Do you really want to be with a man that is just so so about you with no conviction? Do you really want to be "wifey material" when you could be more? Instead of focusing on the traits that could make a man fall in love, focus on traits that can make you fall in love with yourself. Being confident, having standards, and not backing from those standards will show the world and men how you should be treated and in turn you will be treated as such. Set REASONABLE expectations and if your expectations are not met, don't be afraid to leave. People will be able to see the dignity and class. You won't have to work so hard for "wifey respect." I meet amazing successful beautiful insightful women that are so desperate their actions paint them as lower than they should ever be classified. There is going to be a man out there that will at least try to move Heaven and Earth for you. And it will be because you are what he wants. If you do not have a man like that, chances are he would be like that with someone else and someone else would be like that for you. Don't block your true happiness.

We should all stop this quest to be wifey material and start the quest 2 other quests: the quest to make you the best you can be all the way around and the quest (if you're looking) for the man that loves you regardless. He will by default think you are worthy to be valued and honoured.

The question series is a littler harsher than the Information Series but hopefully, it has an audience. I always welcome comments and more questions for the blog. Follow me on twitter (kennedae) and follow the blog.

Happy Presidents Day & Hope It Helps!



  1. Yea u right this is a SERIOUS problem lol...And I haven't even found a solution myself yet. Most men out there try to find what women "really want". I guess it's going to take them 100 years to figure that out because what most "really want" will not make sense to them. We are genetically different they have to be aware of that first in order to be on the right path, otherwise my fellas will be confused...What can be a solution is to understand the needs each other.

  2. Great Blog!!! I'm just wondering if others think this whole idea of "wifey material" is BS like I do. Men decide what they want and women need to start to decide what we want instead of settling for what we think we deserve.

  3. Best book ever for understanding communication patterns between genders: Men and Women in Conversation by Deborah Tannen.

    I think what it comes down too, is not a wifey material thing, or a "husband material" thing either. But it is really about seeking what you want versus accepting what's in front of you. Whether you are a man or woman, I think that we wrestle with this in a search for a relationship.

    Great post, but my only differing opinion is that I think it is not an excuse if a guy says "they are not feeling it" or "you are just too good for them". Quite the opposite. It might be the realest a guy is ever being in the relationship situation. Is it an excuse just because it is not what you expected to hear? It may be unexpected, it may seem shortsighted, it may seem selfish? But then isn't that all dating is? You SHOULD be in it to find what YOU like. Not to accept what is presented to you. You mentioned Reggie Bush - maybe that is where he is in his life, where is is not just settling, but in his mind Kim Kardashian is the woman he wants to be in his life, regardless of her qualifications, or lack thereof. Just because we don't understand it does not mean he is settling. Nor does it mean he is making excuses to all the more seemingly qualified women out there. He may just know what he wants at this point in life.

    And so too should we, both men and women, focus on what we want at this point in our lives. That varies for different people. Some may call that maturity vs. immaturity. But really if we were all built the same, where would be the uniqueness in that. What would be the point in dating if every person we met would have the same intentions and same expectations and same mindset?

    I ramble. But I just find talk about relationships and whatnot curious. Know what you want, and be true to that. And if we all do that, then whether you love it or hate it, you can always respect a person if they tell you that you aren't the one, and then go "settle" for someone "less qualified".

  4. Amazing insights everyone! Mascob: I agree understanding is what were lacking the most. You can understand someone and not agree. SpkTRUTH2Pwr: I concur wholehearteded. I didnt mean to suggest that men are settling but merely that men go after what they want regardless of the stereotypes we as women give the women that they date. That's why I used the Kim/Reggie scenario because I hear that so much. But it is thought provoking...maybe some men are being heart felt when they say things like "they are not feeling it" or "you are just too good for them." But sometimes its better to just hear the straight up "You're not what I'm looking for." I and alot of other women hear the "You're a good woman" speech all the time and it begs the question "If Im so wonderful then why not be with me?" At least being brutally honest stops the questioning of ourselves in our heads and makes moving on easier :).

  5. Great Blog Professor Kennedy. You have made some great points. I believe that it is human nature to feel as though someone needs you. For instance the "wifey" mold is a woman that is down for her man whatever that may require. I feel like many women fall prey and subject themselves to 70/30 or even 90/10 relationships for many reasons. First I think that playing the wifey role is looked upon as a tryout to make that starting roster spot as the "wife". Second i think that a precentage of women just dont want to win. I use the term win as a situation where she is getting out what she is putting into a relationship. If you were to take a minute and think you can name at least 3 or more situations where your homegirl,cousin, sister, etc was with a man that they did everything for and all you would hear from them is what crazy stunt their man pulled each week. What im trying to say in a nutshell is that (in respect of the last paragraph of the bolg) is that men only put women in the "wifey" role only because some women allow themselves to be in that position. We have all been if unfavorable situations, but if you can change your negative situation on your own merrit, by all means please do so.