Sunday, October 18, 2009

When to Let Go and When to Fight: The RICE method

When any relationship is tested, romantic or otherwise, one question that inevitably runs through your mind is the future. You start to wonder if it is time to give up under the pressure of the situation or to fight through it. But when I am asking myself those very questions, I always seem to question if the relationship has run its course or if it is just in a "rough patch."

From my experiences, I am found that there a few ways to aid in making that decision. I like to call them RICE or realism, intentions, character, and effort. Study these things in your relationship and they will help you make an informed decision or make your feel more confident in a decision you have already made.

Realism is simply is it realistic for us to be together? Do I see a relationship between us down the line? For example, I have friends in Alabama. Since I am in DC, it is not feasible for me to make them my lunch partner. Its just an unrealistic expectation because of distance. In relationships, it is unrealistic to try for a relationship when it is clear that your paths are diverging.

The second is intentions. We've all hurt people but I simply do not believe the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It does matter what your initial intention was. If your partner did a deed with a good intention that just perhaps backfired,then it may be very possible that with effort he or she can learn to correct that wrong. A heart in the right place makes a big difference. How can you tell good intention but bad behavior versus bad behavior with bad intentions? A person with good intention usually doe snot perform the action again once it has been discussed as negative. They also are genuinely apologetic, taking full responsibility and not shifting blame. Lastly, they are willing to put in the man hours to get back in your good graces without having to be coaxed.

The third and very important component is character. Character is unfortunately something you either have or do not possess. But even with character you can make mistakes. You can tell you are in a relationship with someone with character because they never go against their principles, whatever they may be. If you are with someone who says they hate cheating but then they go cheat, not only are you dealing with a cheater but you are ALSO dealing with a person of low character. The second is never changed. Sorry ladies. As Malcolm X and Alexander Hamilton stated "A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything." If someone can tell you anything and you believe your partner would do it, the battle is already lost.

Last is effort. Many things have been solved by a little elbow grease and many things have been lost due to laziness. It is very important that in any relationship both people are putting forth the same effort. If you constantly feel you are the only person moving forward and sweating hard, it may be a sign it is time to go. However if you have had a few kinks but both of you are putting in maximum effort to gain understanding of each other and respect each other, then one day you will see the fruits of your labor.

RICE really helps me when I am trying to make those tough decisions concerning friends and partners. And I hope it helps You.


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