Sunday, October 18, 2009

Setting Expectations and taking L's

There are a lot of steps involved in conditioning yourself to not tolerate certain things. The first one and one of the hardest, especially in relationships, is setting expectations. Sounds simple enough but most of us don't do it. If you go to the grocery store with no list and no clue what items you need and don't need, you tend to be very disappointed with your selection when you get home. A version of a list needs to be made about your expectations before you even begin to look for someone new or move further in your relationship. Just like you wouldn't make a list entitled "things you don't want from WalMart", try not to focus on attributes you don't like. Instead make a list of things that are absolutely necessary for you to be happy. Focus on the positive. The reason to do it this way is simple. If you write down, "Not eggs, not bacon, not cheese" on a list at the grocery store does that help you find the items you need? No. You can still end up with things you don't need and nothing you do need. Try to make a list of things you need and see if you're ready to take them home. You deserve to come prepared to the table with a list of REASONABLE expectations for your partner and they in turn have the right to ask said things of you. If you can't talk to your partner, then you may want to ask yourself the basis of your relationship. Strong relationships are built on mutual companionship and understanding.

People tell you to never go to the grocery store hungry or completely full because you will leave with either a stockpile of things you'll never use or nothing much to choose from. This is also true in relationships. After a relationship you need time to get back in between hungry and full before you start something new. Make sure you're not bringing one meal into your next meal. No relationship can stand having your past pulling it apart. Before you make your expectations, ask yourself if your mind is in the future and not in your past. After all you cant make pot roast from last night's chicken alfredo ingredients. We've all had people treat us in ways that we don't deserve. But we cannot punish ourselves and future partners for their missteps. After every relationship we must analyze what we needed and what we did not get and assign them new importance. Sometimes attributes can shift after someone shows us just how important to us some things are. Otherwise that past can repeat itself because you never updated your list.

So now that we know what not to list, what do we make necessary. First on your list should be character and spiritual traits you can't live without. Things like honesty, thoughtfulness, spirituality, or intelligence. The second is cultural things you desire. Things like social life, goals, or family aspirations. The third is physical qualifications. Fourth is actions or your expectations for things like cheating, abuse, or romantic acts. Remember be considerate. Don't hold people to standards you yourself would fail. List things that you really require not things you think you should require. Everyone's list is different. No matter how silly, if you really need it to be happy, write it down. Lastly, rank everything. You can live without some of the lesser things but do not compromise on your majors.

So you're probably like yeah Ashley I do that. But here is the snare that we are rarely prepared for. What happens when this person, we already are starting to love and create hopes for, does not meet this list? What happens when we just desperately want someone to be "the one" but they are simply not adding up? The hardest part of the concept is making the list concrete. Are you really strong enough to let someone go that you want but who doesn't have your essentials i.e. take an "L"? And that dear friends is another set of questions I cannot answer for you. Losses are not always failures. At the end of the day, you get what you expect.

1 comment:

  1. That article is on point. Theres no more to be said but good job... Im taking notes

    ~D_Magnificent1 a.k.a. WhoseDatNigg