Thursday, October 22, 2009

Stop the Make-Up and Break- Up: Getting Through The Pain

This is the guide to deal with your feelings after the breakup.
8 Steps to Conquering the Merry-Go-Round!

Regardless of what your relationship did or did not have, there is usually discomfort or even pain after a relationship is over. The key is dealing with that pain in a constructive rather than destructive manner.

Step 1: Pain Cometh!
The first step is realizing you will feel some pain even when the breakup was your idea. It is very very common. This pain, as sometimes surmised, DOES NOT USUALLY MEAN YOU REALLY WISH TO STAY WITH THE INDIVIDUAL. Pain can come from several surfaces. You can be scared of the future, uncertain about your own shortcomings, stressed by the sheer severity of the break-up, and many others; all which produce mimic pain. If you can deal with these, you can cut the pain off from the root of the problem instead of finding yourself in a constant merry go round with a person you should have broken up with a long time ago.

Step 2: Don't Be Afraid to Feel
As corny as it sounds, don't be afraid to feel. Alot of people are emotional wimps. They will not break up with people to avoid that pain post break-up. This is the equivalent of letting your arm rot off to infection because you are scared of needles. You're letting a much bigger problem fester because you won't walk through a moment of discomfort. We all know the longer you stay with someone, the more attached you become. Not just your feelings, but your lives. So if you find yourself from make-up to break-up and back again, ask yourself: is this someone I want to be permanent in my life because that is where this is headed!

Step 3: Stop the Connection
This is important! Everyone is different, but in my experience most people cannot handle talking to their exes post breakup. So if you feel it is difficult for you to even converse with them, dont be afraid to lose their number, delete a facebook friend, and unfollow a twitter account because exes are notorious for skewing your view of the universe. Don't set yourself up for failure and talking to exes is usually more of a trial than a pleasure anyway. Remember as humans, we have selective memory. We will remember all the hugs and flowers and not the arguments. If you cut off the connection, it will be much easier to remember why you are no longer together.

Step 4: Let Them Go!
Yes your exes are going to be with other males or females. They may even be the people that helped cause the demise of your break-up. Alot of times, the one left hurting is the one who is left with noone. Lonliness and territorial behavior is a killer combo. It is this combination more than anything that keeps couples together. Even songs say it: "I don't want to be with her but I can't stand to see her with someone else." So expect that they have moved on, so that if you have evidence of that, you do not take it to heart. Always remember they are your ex for a reason and trust that something better is coming for you. Patience is a virtue and virtues don't come cheap. Don't settle for Mr. Right Now simply because you don't want Mrs. Worse getting him. Trust me: Mr. Right Now and Mrs. Worse wont even cross your mind when Mr./Mrs. Right shows up at your door.

Step 5: Impulse Control
Poor impulse control is the framework for most actions people regret later. If you find yourself calling your ex or showing up at your ex's house, take a minute and think if you even have a reason. The heat of the moment will dissipate. Impulse control is the hardest to conquer so the last three step are dedicated to how you can curve the urges.

Step 6: Stay Active
Even though not the healthiest method, staying active is my personal favorite. After all there is only 24 hours in the day. Catch up on things you love to do or get really into your new business or school projects. At the end of the day, you will be not only too busy for impulses, you will also start to feel better and get more done. When those promotions and grades start rolling in, they help you realize that life goes on and can be successful without that past individual.

Step 7: Reward Yourself
You've been through a trying time. You deserve some personal TLC. Take yourself to a spa, take your friend out to lunch, go to a game or concert,take a personal day off of work and relieve some stress. The list goes on and on. Work hard then play hard is a good combination to feel revived. It is also a good morale booster.

Step 8: Stay Positive
So many people get bogged down in failure in this one relationship, they begin to doubt themselves as a whole. You, yeah you, are an amazing person. You have unique talents and character traits that make you, you. Focus on them, build those up, and move forward an even better person than before.
You will find someone else. Forget the man shortage, forget the lack of good women, you can and will find someone who is a better fit for you than your last. Go out looking and smelling good and see if people don't notice. You'll soon realize that other people in the world would love to have you on their arm.

Just remember, pain is a natural emotion after change. Be prepared and follow steps to come out on the other end a stronger, more resilient person. See failed relationships as molders and not destroyers. The rest of your life is waiting.

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” —M. Kathleen Casey


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