The OTHER people in your relationship. Part II: The Inner Circle

Let's face it. It would be really nice to eliminate the world's expectations for your relationship. How nice would it be to just pick each other and ride off into the sunset simple as that. Well, if you're going about your relationship like that you are bound for some uncomfortable surprises as your significant other meets the other people of your life and you meet the other people who are in their lives.

These other people can be in the form of various people and all should be treated differently. I will give you a guide on how to specifically manage and interpret each one of these individual categories... Let's focus on the second intruder: The Inner Circle.

Having an inner circle of blood relatives and close friends is a necessity for a healthy life. Friends enrich you as well as keep you grounded. Family reminds you of who you are. True friends are hard to find and are worth holding onto. Good family structure is to be cherished and upheld. But family and friends are still human. They lead completely separate lives than you do. Sometimes even their best attempts and advice can wreak havoc in your life.

#1: Keep the Details to Yourself
This is a warning. You should never tell anyone every single detail of your relationship. One, it is just disrespectful to your partner to converse with others about their personal business. Two, in anger we tend to vent but the people we vent to dont forget just because we forget. Anything you say will be held against your partner. If you don't want that to happen, don't tell them. Your family and friends love you. They never want to see you hurt,so it is engrained in them to dislike people that hurt you. So unless you like awkward dinners and parties, keep the inner working of your disagreements to yourself. Now if you truly feel the relationship is over then its healthy to tell people, do you have to be certain there is no chances for reconcilliation.

#2: Discern What Advice To Keep and What Advice to Discard
Good friends and family usually come with good advice. Even if the advice is good, if you are not ready to take it, DO NOT TAKE IT. Sometimes in life we have to do things at our own place. If you feel like your relationship is in a bad place but you just are not ready to let it go, use your own timeline. You do not want to end up resenting a friend that was just trying to help just because you rushed into something you were not willing to do. Family is an even harder one to sort out. Remember that your family members love you but they are also bonded to you for life so they will not hold their tongues in telling their opinions. I mean, what are you going to do? Leave them? probably not. So everything they tell you, you have to expect them to have a little more bite with their talks. But try to take away from it the underlying message.


Ways to Know Good Advice From Bad Advice
-Know the People Around You: If you really think about it, you already know who has your best interests at heart. Be more ready to hear their advice than self serving others.Though their love for you does not necessarily make them right, they usually have something to say that you need to hear
- Hurting People Hurt People:
Recognize the state in which the advice was given. When people are in a depressed state, their advice is usually depressing. It is not so much the state of life of the person but the state of emotion. Alot of people get this confused. Your single friends can give great advice. Your involved friends can give awful advice. Don't look so much at whether or not they are in a relationship but rather if they are happy and confident in general. Happy confident people give the best advice (This is not to be confused with pseudo confidence and putting on a show however). Usually if you think about it hard enough you know which ones of your friends enjoy their lives and live it to the best of their ability and those friends should be your advice sources.
- Everybody Is Not Wrong: Repetition is your friend. We all have blinders on when it comes to our mates. It serves you well to know this. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. Everyone is not going to like your significant other nor are they required to, but when NO ONE close to you likes your relationship, there usually is a reason. Most relationships are not worth losing everyone around you.

#3: Be Your Own Person:
If you like someone and they are good to you, they deserve the respect of having a fighting chance in a relationship with you. And you deserve to see it through. I have seen countless relationships ruined because a friend or family member didn't like the individual because of something that is more congruent with their own standards. They do not have to date them...You do.


Lastly, if you are having a problem between your friends and family and your significant other and it is not caused by their treatment of you, there are ways to mend these relationships...
1. Respect your partner: If you respect them, other people will. The opposite is also true. Let the ones around you know that you will stand firm beside them as long as they are with you. The people around you will respond to this united front by at least being more tolerant of your mate for fear of your disregard.
2. Create situations for fun gatherings: Let the people around you see how much fun your mate can be. Let them interact with them not as your boyfriend/girlfriend but as a member of the group. This eases tensions and provides chances for individual relationships to form (This is especially imperative in Mom/girlfriend and Dad/boyfriend bonding).
3. Be happy: Honestly, the people around you love you. If you are happy, that will shine through. And the reason for your happiness will also become clear as well.


Hope This Helps,
Classic

The OTHER people in your relationship Part 1:The Friendly Temptation

Let's face it. It would be really nice to eliminate the world's expectations for your relationship. How nice would it be to just pick each other and ride off into the sunset simple as that. Well, if you're going about your relationship like that you are bound for some uncomfortable surprises as your significant other meets the other people of your life and you meet the other people who are or WANT TO BE in their lives.

These other people can be in the form of various people and all should be treated differently. I will give you a guide on how to specifically manage and interpret each one of these individual categories. But it will take me a while so bear with me. Right now we will focus on the first intruder: The Friendly Temptation.

We live in a see and get it world. Everything is at our grasps. As things become more available we become more spoiled and less grateful for things that we have, similar to the antics of a trust fund baby. Along with this comes everyone being a call, text, email, etc. away. See back before instant communications, someone would have to think before going outside your relationship. But in the haze and discomfort after an argument with a significant other, our altered states of mind do not mix with the temptation so close at our fingertips. Before you know it, "Are you up?" has been texted and the door is open. Sadly, most people don't cheat with a stranger, its usually a male or female just close enough to get in there.

So let's talk about the Friendly Temptation. This is someone who presents themselves in a non threatening friendly manner in your life. This person may even KNOW you are in a relationship but deep down, they would much rather be with you themselves. This is dangerous because the intentions of the other person may not be for the sustainment of your current relationship. You can find yourself in positions where you have undue influence from an outside force on your situation.

Ways to Spot Dissention In the Ranks
These are Ways to Spot if you are dealing with a friend or a friendly temptation:
1) The person always has a negative reaction to the mention of your significant other. Its ok to have a friend not particularly care for your mate but if they have too much emotion about it, they may have hidden feelings for you that will surface later.
2) When you are fighting with your mate, the person urges you to them and away from your significant other. "Awww you two are fighting, come to my house, spend the day with me." and this happens for a period of time. There is never any mention of how you could possibly work it out with your partner.
3) They are "out of line" on occasion. You often find them a little too close to you. They are very hands on. They talk about sex or sexual things too often for comfort.
4) You have a past with them. Very few people can conquer sleeping with you and getting past it enough to be a true friend. Not saying it can't be done but more likely than not, there are still some feelings there, sexual, emotional, or otherwise.
But there are some ways to combat these temptations in your life so that you won't lose the most important person in your life.

1) Engage in a think before you act lifestyle
This is just a way to live. Make sure that before you even put yourself into situations that could prove complicated, you just take a second and review your options. Most mistakes are only made in the heat of the moment. Once the moment is over, the "correct" decision always seems so clear. Thinking beforehand eliminates that heat. So after a fight, just stop and think: "What should I do now?" Go somewhere and take a moment. What you should do will reveal itself.

2)Know Who's Who
It always seems like a good idea in theory to have male and female friends and remain cordial with exes while in a relationship but few people have these relationships in a healthy space. Let's be honest, you know who wouldn't mind getting with you and those crushes may seem innocent but ask yourself, would you want someone with these feelings this close to your significant other? If the answer is no, you may want to distance yourself slightly. Your real friends will respect your relationship space. Any opposite sex people in your life should always a) know about your relationship and b) respect your relationship. People that are not respecting your relationship are not respecting you. Don't get suckered into the late night comfort sessions that so easily get people into trouble. Taking advantage of a weakness in your relationship to get with you is a character trait that probably doesn't make them a good friend candidate anyway. Know the people around you's true intentions. This is not to say that you cannot have ANY opposite sex friends but it is a tightrope act best left for your most dedicated and truest friends. You don't want to end up ruining your relationship because someone in your life set it up to be ruined.

3)Set the Boundaries
Now that your opposite sex friends know about your relationship, you need to set boundaries about your new situation. It may be a little awkward to talk about things of this nature with your friend but it makes for less confusion down the line. There needs to be a certain list of actions that are off limits like calling after a specific time or using certain language or words (honey sweetie baby etc.). Basically make them understand that though you value their friendship, your relationship is a high priority in your life and you are committed to making it work. Trust me, your real friends will have no problem making these adjustments for you. There's never any love lost between me and my male friends simply because they have found love. But then again, I don't secretly want them either.

4) Open Communication & Set Emergency Plans
Open Communication is the key to a great relationship point blank. If you are in bed with an individual, you should be able to tell them anything, right? But most people rarely talk in their relationships. Be real with one another. Make it common knowledge that anything the other person has to say will be welcomed and contemplated on your end. This will facilitate patching things after arguments. When those conflict arise, you will be more likely to find each other and talk it out. Another good way to keep communication lines open is to figure out what I like to call Emergency Plans. Emergency plans are those plans you get together early in the relationship. Don't be afraid to ask them "Well what if we do fight, how do you want us to handle it?" Then you will know not only HOW they act when they are angry but the best ways to combat that from the horse's mouth. Having rules in place like "Don't go to bed mad, if something is on your mind, talk to me" are excellent in fostering a communication friendly atmosphere. Like is always said, closed mouths don't get fed and in relationships, closed mouths don't make it to anniversaries.


Overcoming temptation is one of the hardest but most rewarding things to do. As William Butler Yeats says: “Every conquering temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.” You owe it to your relationship and to your own morals to give it a fighting chance. Your friends in your life can prove their devotion to your friendship by adapting to a new role in your life that respects your relationship. If they can't, you know their true intentions and can deal accordingly. After all, you would want the same consideration from your significant other and the people in their life, right?

Hope this helps,

Classic

How to Create a Legacy

What do you want to be remembered for? How do you stand the tests of time for people to remember you years after your accomplishments? What do you want your children or future children to inherent from you? As younger people, we do not seem too preoccupied with these notions. We believe we have plenty of time to make our marks on the world. Though you may not be able to achieve everything you want today, these are questions you should be answering or at least setting out a template to answer. Everyone talks about creating a legacy and these are some things that will surely get you closer to being noted in the history books.

1) Focus on The Timeless Not the Trendy: Everybody wants to be part of the IN crowd but the problem with the IN crowd is that different people are funneled in and out of it. You may be popular one day forgotten the next. We can all name countless rappers, singers, athletes, businessmen that were on top of the world and a year years later, their names only come up around the water cooler during reminiscing of yesteryear. There is nothing more depressing or disheartening than having it all and then being reduced to obscurity. To avoid this heartbreak, make whatever you decide to do have a timeless classic feel. Some things never get old or go out of season. And you should have that type of appeal. Instead of falling to every get rick quick scheme and job antics, always think if this decision could sustain you down the line. People sometimes ask me why I go through so much school and I always answer the question the same way. That little piece of paper is permanent. No one can take it away from me but they can take employment and popularity. Education is final. Every decision you make should fuel your future while building up your present. Why put work into something that will not last?

2) Stand For Something: We all know the common saying:Those Who Stand For Nothing, Fall For Anything spoken by Alexander Hamilton, Malcolm X and countless other figures. Its popular because it is true. You should always have a set of values that are uniquely you. These values will define you as a person and give you staying power.I'm not here to tell you what these morals and values should be, nobody should. But once you set them, do not deviate from them. When you deviate from your own values you degrade yourself as a person. You're basically saying "I told myself I was this person but I lied to myself. I don't know who I am" And no one respects that.

3)Stay Consistent: This concept goes with the one above. But it goes beyond being true to the person you want to be. You have to also be consistent in your business and personal lives. Think about the people in your life....Consistent people are not always the most popular but they are ALWAYS the most necessary. When you have a problem, you call the consistent person. When you need to trust someone, you call the consistent person. You RESPECT the consistent person. Flaky people never get far because eventually people stop putting their trust in that person's hands. And sadly, once you are labeled as flaky, it is almost impossible to lose that stigma.

4) Demand Success Now let me start by saying this....success means different things to different people. I am not talking about money, I am talking about the achievement of well thought out goals. The ultimate goal is happiness and contentment with life so set up goals that let you reach those. Then when you do obtain them, you have reached what is called success. Now having said that, DEMAND success from your life. Life isn't always going to be roses. There are going to be plenty of times you fall short or completely bomb a desired goal. There will be times when things out of your control avert your plans or make the road more difficult. But stay on the same road. In life, you get what you demand. If you point your car west in New York, you will get to California. I can't tell you when, I can't tell you what you will encounter on the way, but eventually you will make it. Success if like that too. Have clear cut goals, drive, tenacity, and demand that life give you want you want. That drive sets in motion your legacy.

5) Be a Humanitarian. Spread Love and Resources: This one to me is really important. God gives you what you give to others. If you have made it, you are duty bound to give it back to other people. The world needs help and the world needs love and if you are in possession of those, you are an asset. There is nothing worse than seeing individuals with money talent and wisdom waste it away when people of the world are in so desperate need of only a tiny piece of what you have. Its like you are sitting there will a full ham and cheese sandwich and there is a kid starving next to you. With just a piece of a sandwich (you can still eat well!), you have changed the outcome of that kid's life. And if that wasn't enough, giving back feels good!

At the end of the day you want people to come to your funeral because they genuinely miss your impact on the world. The people that are remembered favorably all had these things in common and you are just as deserving to be in the memories of the people as they are. Live Life, Love Life, Love Others, and Pass it On.

Hope This Helps,
Classic

Vocab: Some of the Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English

Everything starts with personal growth so heres a few of the most mispronounced words out there.

No: Calvary | Yes: cavalry
No: cannidate | Yes: candidate
No: chester drawers | Yes: chest of drawers
No: excape | Yes: escape
No: expecially | Yes: especially
No: For all intensive purposes | Yes: For all intents and purposes
No: irregardless | Yes: regardless
No: sherbert | Yes: sherbet
No: upmost | Yes: utmost
No: card shark | Yes: cardsharp

To learn some more..visit http://www.yourdictionary.com/library/mispron.html

Question of the Day

Love is based on definition. Someone may love you but the question is: what do they believe love means?

Get Better, Not Bitter

Some relationships are just terrible. They rob you of your abilities to believe in the basic things your mother taught you. You always believed that being a "good woman" or a "good man" would keep any relationship but everything still blew up in your face. You mull over in your head the what if the what couldas and the what shouldas but you come up empty of any profound reason you should have been treated the way you were treated. So you get angry, you get frustrated, you get BITTER.

We live in a generation of playing the field, where individuals are experimenting with what they like. Now more than ever before we have the luxury of casual dating. But with casual dating also comes the luxury of easy release. It is just so easy to love someone and leave someone without any regards for the other person. Society doesn't even bat an eyelash at cheating, arguments,and cruel treatment. Sometimes its easier to just leave than explain to someone why you don't want them or what it is that you are looking for. Sometimes, the person doesn't even know what they want. But if you are constantly the person on the other end. The person getting left instead of leaving themselves yet you know you have a pretty good set of skills under your belt that should lead to you being a good catch, its hard not to get bitter. Its hard not to look at the circumstances and declare that you will always be single and act accordingly. But don't let your nobody let you miss out on your somebody. One of the most important AND most attractive things an individual can possess is hope. Frankly, Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh was just annoying. Nobody wants to be around someone who is constantly negative and that's where bitter gets ya. But don't worry, here's a bit of knowledge to help you keep the faith.


1. Bitter is inevitable in certain situations. Focus On The Length of Time: Yeah I said it. Its OK to be bitter, just don't stay bitter. Sometimes in life situations happen to you that are so heinous that you have to vent those negative emotions. But don't focus on trying not to be bitter. Give yourself time to air out those negative emotions, just don't STAY in that dark place. Have some time out male bashing or female bashing with the friends over a cocktail. But on your angry break up music to do gym time to. Cry to your mom or dad about the state of the world. Its OK and its natural. But this should only go on for a certain period of time. You cannot cry forever. At some point the release is over and you're just making yourself more miserable. A good indicator of that point? When you start to repeat yourself. If you start to say the same thing over and over again, PULL YOURSELF OUT OF BITTER LAND. How do you do this?

2. PLEASE Do Not Date: I think I have to say it again DO...NOT...DATE. You need time alone. You need time to evaluate what you want and what you need and how those things have changed since your last relationship. Dating other people is good under some circumstances (see other blog posts) but when you are bitter, you are practically one or two more messed up relationships away from disaster and until you are in a better state, don't press your luck. Its kind of like being a pro athlete and getting a minor injury that keeps you out of 3 games. You're sitting out because if you tax your body, it will lead to a BIGGER injury that may take your career away from you. Have you noticed rebound guys are usually not people we even like that much? The only reason you are talking to them is because your emotions are spilling from one relationship to the next. So you already know the situation is going to lead to a blow up. Then you go from a sprain to an all out tear and you are not help to anyone at that point. And don't get me started on how unfair and how much damage you can do in your bitter state of mind to that other person. Bitter breeds bitter ya know.

3. Make Yourself Better:Instead, Increase Your Mental Toughness and Stability. Since you are by yourself, use this time to be selfish. Your self esteem is already lower than usual. The equation for bitterness: (Lowered Self Esteem + Pity + Anger= Bitterness). Before you enter into another compromising relationship as all relationships are, use this time to get things accomplished. Don't pity yourself. Pity anyone who didn't want you because you're not Vista, you are Windows 7 moving on to bigger and better things. It helps you get back to a neutral state. You can't feel used if you are filling yourself up. Get back in school, get back in the gym, get back in church, get back around the friends and family. Make a conscious effort to boost your own ego. Not only is confidence sexy, it is a necessary attribute to get over things. You can tell yourself "Yeah they didn't want that me but this me ain't nothing to play with." Make You 2.0. The You that is stronger, sexier, more mature, and better equipped. Trust me, finding better people will be easier because you'll exude the essence to attract better matches.

4. Get Back Out There. Lastly, after some time by yourself (I'm not talking weeks, its usually more like months to a year so be patient :)) you have to get back out there. Don't be a hermit, show that new you off. Don't be scared. Know that during your time "sitting on the bench", you've analyzed the game and worked on strategies to make yourself better acclimated to the craziness we call dating. You have a better knowledge of what you want and don't want and you feel good about yourself. You've restored hope and hope shines.

We've all been through "why me?" situations in our lives but remember just because you have a right to be bitter does not mean you should be. After all who are you hurting but yourself? As cliche as it sounds, you can only be you so why punish you? If you vent, spend time with your numero uno, go through some betterment procedures and some mental toughness drills, and THEN go back out there, I can promise you a new level of man or female will take notice. And so will that ex, though obviously too late ;)


Hope This Helps!
-Classic

When Life Hands You Lemon Rinds...

Life can be very unpredictable. Sometimes everything is set up to be a certain way and then a curveball comes and wrecks your plans and your nerves. The age old saying is when life hands you lemons, make lemonade, but in that process of turning something bad into something good, how can you keep your attitude high and your stress low? And more importantly when you're not even getting lemons how can you STILL get that lemonade made and made well?
Stress is the number one cause of many of today's physical, mental, and emotional negative manifestations so when life hits, it is always imperative to have a guide to give you an advantage against the tides.

1) Stick to Your Ultimate Objective

Now to stick to your ultimate objective means you must create one. What overall do you want most for your life? What are the big steps to get there? Once you know what this objective is, write it down and make it plain. Keep it near you so that when things aren't going well, and there will be those times, you can pull it out and remember what all of the effort is for. Working towards NOTHING is not only pointless, it is a psychological downer. If you're reaching for the stars, it always helps to see them. Its ok to go really big with your main objective. Don't limit yourself here with realistic expectations because frankly thats the difference between the people that make history and the people that read history. Your ultimate objective requires you to have flexibility, self confidence, and determination so having one increases all of those. Being realistic comes in with the everyday ventures to get to that ultimate objective. If being a multi millionaire is your ultimate objective, finding a job with upward mobility may be a smaller objective. Once again, these aren't the same. The ultimate objective gives you hope, the smaller objectives give you a mission.

2) Have a Back Up Plan

No matter what your ultimate goal is, there are many different ways to achieve that things. Always remember that. Do not change your ultimate goal, change your route TO the ultimate goal. So when one way seems to be blocked at an intersection, it helps to know backup routes and detours. Delays are not denials. So with that being said, don't be afraid to take a different route than you expected to take, if the route you are on isn't moving. For example, if you're trying to get into a college program and you're denied, don't give up your ultimate goal, just take some classes, ask around, do your research, and see if another opportunity doesn't present itself that gets you into the vicinity of what you want. Back up plans are not always second prize medals. Sometimes they alert you to things you didn't even know were available and options that are more suited for you than original plan.

Even if your main road is going smoothly, a back up plan can give you a tremendous amount of reassurance. Its always wise to keep a spare tire even if your tires are sturdy. Planning for the "what if"s, the "uh oh"s and the "unknowns" is just wisdom.

3) Keep It In Perspective (Don't Sweat The Small Stuff)

Now I'm from Alabama and we have alot of men and women in their 100's still alive and kicking. When I was younger I would always ask them what secret they had that kept them on the Earth longer than so many others. They all have some form of the same answer:"I keep it all in perspective. I don't stress the small stuff." Most people could cut out 80% of their worrying and stressing if they just found a way to remind themselves all that they do have. Most of us are fortunate enough to have someone that loves us, a roof over our heads, and the capabilities and freedoms to reach our goals. Things that alot of our ancestors did not possess. So remember, there is very little on this Earth that is actually Life threatening. If something causes you all stress and no relaxation, let it go!

4) Don't Run and Hide

Life can seem so menacing at times. We've all had those "I don't think I could take anything else going crazy" moments but always remember that you still have to play the game. Life has no redos nor timeouts. Any minute you are not on the field, you are losing out. Win or lose, stay on the field. Hiding under a blanket does not make your problems go away. On the contrary it usually exacerbates them. Lets go back to the college example. If you don't get into college the first time, the long you wait the more bills you accumulate working, the more self conscious you become about your age, the more life altering experiences (babies marriages family issues..etc) life can throw at you. Time wasted makes achieving goals harder. So make everyday count even if just in small ways. Find something to do each week that gets you a little closer to your ultimate goal. Regardless of what people tell you: success is directly associated with hustle. And hustle is basically staying busy and staying creative towards a certain objective.

5) Let It Out

I always stress this but keeping an outlet is always one of the most positive things you can do for yourself. I always advise two: a person and an activity. The person should be a POSITIVE person that is GUARANTEED to be on your side. I can't tell you how important those two are. Talking to a negative person or a hater both can be not only stagnant but detrimental so please make your confidant someone who has your best interests at heart...and if you think about it long enough you know exactly who those people are. The second is an activity. No matter how stupid or juvenile whatever it is that makes you happy. Put aside a little time per week to do that. Though its nerdy, I looove computer games especially time management games. While I'm playing Diner Dash or Wedding Dash, I relax let everything go and afterwards I'm ready for the grind once more. I also advise that you find something that amuses you that is a) cost effective and b) energy efficient. Honestly, the cheaper and the less energy absorbing the better. Though working out and shopping are awesome, I wouldn't recommend them for this particular thing.

6) Always Keep Moving

Don't talk about it. Be about it. People that really want to achieve something are active. I can't lose 10 pounds watching a lady work out on tv. Goals don't work that way either. If you are sitting, you can be guaranteed you are not any closer to what you want to accomplish. As Ive mentioned before staying busy also is a coping mechanism when things aren't going right. You may not always know what to do but let me give you this tidbit....If its positive forward moving, it can't hurt you. If I want to go to medical school, but I haven't gotten in, taking an internship opportunity isn't going to hurt and it may open some more doors.

Life my dears NEVER goes as planned. Sometimes it doesn't even go KINDA as planned. If you think it does, you're either 10 or you haven't gotten to your trials yet. But it is these trials that define who we are and what we can do. They motivate us to be flexible. They drive us to be focused. They make us strive to overcome. And in all of this we either learn and grow or crack and wither. If you want something, there is nothing saying you can't get there and there is nothing more dangerous than a young, adaptable, focused, person with well drawn out dreams.

Hope This Helps,
CLASSIC