How To Tell The Good Men From The Bad Men....

Good men don't always ride white horses and bad men don't always ride harleys. In fact good men can be bad men and bad men can be good men. People treat different people differently. One woman's good man could be another woman's torture. So how do you spot a man that is bad for you versus a man that will do you right?
Here are a few tips....

1)He doesn't respect anyone:
He doesn't respect authority. He doesn't respect his elders. He doesn't respect people that help him. He is in a constant battle with....everyone. Chances are he's been locked up or thrown out of some establishment in his lifetime. The people that should be close to him, family, friends, etc usually aren't. At first you may think that this man is strong, masculine, independent, and courageous but honestly, he's just a rebel without a cause. You have to respect someone in life. If he cannot find anyone he listened to before you, he will not listen to you either. Alot of women fall victim to wanting to be a man's everything. That he will magically be mean to everyone around him but you. In all actually, he probably has not gotten around to disrespecting you yet... but its coming. Behind all the bravado is usually a scared and hurt individual lashing out irrationally. So, if your man hates authority, is constantly disrespecting everyone around him, and always bucking the system even to his detriment, you can put him in the BAD category and get away while your dignity is still in tact.

2) He never has anything to say to you
Some men are not the best communicators. Some men have problems displaying their emotions. But even if its not always serious convo, they should want to talk to you. Even when you do get him to hang out with you (which I'm sure is rare as well), you sit in an awkward silence. A man that has nothing to talk about with you probably is either not interested or emotionally inept. Either one leads to some bad relationships. A man that doesn't find you interesting will never wake up one day and start cherishing you. Communication is key. This is not to say he can't communicate with anyone but if he doesn't communicate with you, we have to ship his no talking ass to the BAD category.

3)He comes highly not recommended
Everybody is not lying. If he has left a trail of women in his wake, chances are he's a bad boy. Newsflash: you will not be the one to change him. Get over the Madam Safe a Life complex we women sometimes get. Even if you do somehow "reform" his ways, you usually end up miserable and wanting out of the relationship. So let players play and find a man who is in a mental and physical position in his life to treat you well.

4) He's All Propaganda
These guys are fun. They talk a great game but when it comes down to it, you never see the proof in their pudding. The Classic "I swear Ill make it up to you" guy, the dreamer "One day we will..." guy, and the infamous "If you have just given me time.." guy. No matter how much time, energy, and care is spent, they never seem to come through. Honestly, most things that look too good to be true are. The man of your dreams may snore...or watch too many sports...or make inappropriate jokes. Basically, even your dream man will be a real man. These men sell themselves as dreams because their real personalities are far from what you would want. So if you're waiting for the "day that never comes." Dump him in the BAD pile and lets move on.

5) Nothing is His Fault
Be careful with this one because it usually does not start out with you. Watch how he handles situations that don't go well for him. Does he ever take responsibility for his actions? Is it always his boss's fault, his ex's fault, that guy at the bar's fault? If he never thinks his wrong, in the relationship, that makes YOU wrong. His classic line is "This wouldn't have happened if you..." You don't want to be with someone who constantly makes you the villain and them the victim. Not only is it damn annoying, you will lash out and actually become the villain after a while. Don't sully your good name. On to the next.

6) He's Mean to the Weak and the less fortunate
This one is HUGE. The measure of a man is in how he treats the people he does not have to be nice to. Does he get mad at old ladies for taking too much time? Does he hate children? Does he get inexplicably mad at the waitress? Does he get mad because a homeless man touched his jacket? Not only does he lack respect, he lacks regard for people that cannot do anything for him. he usually lacks empathy as well. These men tend to be prone to fits of rage and unbalanced aggression. NOT a good situation. This means he'll lose regard for you when you are no longer "useful." Now he doesn't have to want kids or volunteer at the nursing home to not be in this category but if he's mean to the "sweet" members of our society. Run...and run fast.

7) He hates everyone that loves you
A good man will never strain your relationship with your loved ones. If your man has made your life a tug of war. If you feel your friends and family slipping away, slip away with them. First, your friends and family probably see something you don't and that is putting him on alarm to pull you away. Second, this is text book controlling and manipulative behavior. After all, you are not going to leave a man when you have nowhere to go right? Don't get yourself in such a hopeless situation. You can tell this man because he usually has a lack of close friends and family himself. He constantly talks with an us against the world philosophy. He's suspicious and your time out of his presence gets to be less and less over time. Family came first, they should stay. A good man will rise to the occasion to gain acceptance from your friends and family. The only ones that won't, have something to hide.

8) There are Other Women
It would seem this is self explanatory but apparently not. If there are known other women in the picture, please don't set yourself up to get your feelings hurt. Now if you are just wanting a good time with a guy, by all means its 2011, do you. But you cannot make a stable relationship with 5 6 or 7 members! If he can't let the other women go, and you're relationship ready...leave and maybe you can rekindle something at a more stable time in both of your lives sans the other members. Staying only makes the situation worse until the inevitable blow up...and after that...a later connection is no longer possible.

These are just some of the really BIG warning signs that the guy may be a bad fit for you. We all are different. We all require different things in a relationship but every women deserves to be treated like a princess. And trust me there is a man out there more than capable to do the job well. You have to know that some things never lead anywhere good. Remember just because he displays some of these characteristics does not mean he is a bad guy in life but he will tend to be in a relationship. You have the right to analyze your partner before jumping into something with them. If they possess qualities you just can't live with, maybe its time for greener pastures. The good men will thank you and you'll thank yourself.

Hope This Helps,
Classic

Why are YOU single?

Why am I alone? So many people are getting to that age when their friends are getting married or are in serious committed relationships. You look up and realize that it has been just you for a while now. But you just can't put your finger on what it is that gets you out of there every date. What's stopping you from finding that perfect match? Well, here are some of the key factors in why people end up alone on Saturday nights. This isn't all of them but its a start to the guide to get you in that relationship you want.

1) You are emotionally unavailable:

This could either be on purpose or completely unintentional. When people are busy, their emotions are invested somewhere else, whether that someone else be their job, their friends, or themselves. People can sense when you will not be able to give them your all and few will stick around once that is recognized. Now if this is on purpose and you are intentionally unavailable and know the consequences of it, it is not a bad thing. Sometimes its necessary to invest in yourself. But many people have taken their head out of the relationship game and don't even realize it. Emotionally unavailable people still sometimes make it into relationships, which has always been odd to me. They tend to be unattentive and borderline mean. Some forget things then take it out on their partners. Others are just relationship lazy. They expect their partner to do everything while they focus on themselves. It is not because they are bad people, it is because emotionally they are just not there. They treat their partner more as an accessory to their busy life than a partner.

The only solution to emotional shut in syndrome is simply effort and time. You are probably distant because your focus is somewhere else. But now that you know you are unavailable you can make a conscious decision to pay more attention to your dating life and the people in it. The time factor comes in because sometimes it is simply not the right time. Your heart wants something that your mind and body can't cash. So if your career is in its flux or your family needs you or you are more comfortable spending time by yourself, sometimes your best option is to wait until your life clears up and you can give a budding relationship the attention it deserves. Don't try to fit a relationship in your life when you aren't stable or present. It never works.

2)You don't believe in relationships:

So many people suffer from this one. They are in relationships but they talk to me and say: " I don't know if I believe in relationships. They don't work." My response is also a heart felt: " Why the hell are you in one??" Seriously people, you get what you believe. Its like the little girl whose mom packed her a cookie and she just knew the cookie was going to be stale. So she didn't eat it and put it in her desk. Four weeks later she took the cookie out her desk and ate it. "See," she said, " I told you it was stale." Point being your insecurities and disbelief may be the thing messing up the relationship. If you don't believe in something, you don't ACT like you believe in it. You may be doing things like being sarcastic, rude, jealous, and manipulative in response to something that isn't even going on. Have a little faith or be single. Relationships are hard enough without one person sabotaging it.

3) You don't have people skills:

Some of the best people in the world are single due to this reason. Talking to people is an art form, whether it be a romantic relationship, a friendly relationship, or a business one. Have you ever met someone that just "came off" a certain way? Well, that may be you. For example, a lot of people say I can come off very serious. I'm actually one of the silliest people in the world. Since hearing that, I focus on smiling more when I come into a room and using hand gestures and light convo to put people at ease around me. People who lack social skills are usually the ones left asking their entire lives: "Whats wrong with me? I have all these qualities but I can never find anybody" Its not you. Its your skills. The best way to combat this is to be more confident, which is usually thwarted by years of basic solidarity. Start off small. Talk to the clerk as you are checking out your bags at the store. Smile at the pretty girl or the handsome man at your job. Do all actions with a sense of demand and confidence. Its like weight loss.. As each behavior is rewarded, you'll want to do it more and more.

4) You are trying too hard:

Men and women are sometimes guilty of this. You call too much. You flirt too much. You make a love connection out of every date you go on. No one likes desperate and its oozing out of your pores. Newsflash: we all would like to find love. But it doesn't have to be every breath you take. Men and women like a good chase. We want someone who shows us interest but isn't too overpowering. Let your date return the favor. It does not necessarily have to be a game and there are no rules to it. But by pulling back a little, it allows them to either step forward (which gives you confidence) or step back (which lets you know they are not the one). Either way win-win :) My advice with dealing with your antsy behaviors is simple: find something else to do. I know alot of people are not going to agree with this but in the example of this personality its for the best. DATE MULTIPLE PEOPLE. Caution: Not saying string people along and be in five relationships. But in the prepubescent stages of new dating experiences, it is OK to have more than one prospect. This allows you to spread out your LOADS of attention so everybody gets just the right amount. When you are giving Bobby space, you can be talking to Jason. But don't let things get out of hand. Once you've sealed the deal with Bobby, Jason has to go. But that should not be a problem...because you kept it real with everyone right? ;)

5) Your standards are out of whack

Notice I did not say the age old "your standards are too high" because I don't believe that. Standards should always be high. You should always believe you can go to Harvard and be a millionaire. But you should also take a look at other opportunities that come your way. That's how you approach dating. Simple things like height, race, occupation in a mate are things you don't know if you will like until you try. But never change your moral and character standards. Those should always be in place. Standard being out of whack can mean your standards are unrealistic but it can also mean your standards are misplaced.Just because you could be sometimes in the future doesn't mean you can get it at this point in your life. Some standards may be a little misplaced. For example, he has to make 100000 because I'm in school and when I get out, that's what I will be making. Well give him a chance as well. You are not making that yet. Sometimes you have to wait to get the best. So if you're aiming for the stars you have to make the journey up to them. Make sure your standards are fair. You'd want them to be for you.

6) You are finicky:

Ashley, aren't finicky and high standards the same? NO Finicky by dictionary standards is "insisting capriciously (with random mood changes) on getting just what one wants; difficult to please." In other words, you don't know what you want until something walks in front of you and that's suddenly better than what you had. NO ONE LIKES FINICKY PEOPLE. Its irritating because its unpredictable. He or she could be your moon and stars one day and lower than the ground the next. The only cure for finicky behavior is insight. Everything that glitters isn't gold was written for the finicky individual. At the end of the day, you are going to have to pick someone and stick with them...or be single. Those are the only choices.

At the end of the day being single is a natural healthy process that I encourage all adults to try at some point to figure out what they want. But if you are in this state constantly and are wanting a change, these may be some of your downfalls. You can and will have a fulfilling relationship but acknowledgement is key to change. So put your best foot forward and go get em.

Hope This Helps,
Classic

The OTHER people in your relationship. Part IV: The Status Quo

You are influenced and so am I. So much of who we are is the culture around us. Many aspects of beauty, truth, manners, mindset, and behaviors are learned through your environment, so it is a fair assumption to tell you that the status quo may play a major role in your relationship.

1) There Is No Such Thing As Perfect: Today more than ever status quo focuses on the creation of perfection. Alot of this comes from the half truths we see on tv and walking around. I mean come on a Bridalplasty show to create the perfect bride?? Every show the people have money and plastic surgery and "perfect lives." The handsome guy in the business suit that plays on tv. The girl with hair down to here that works at your job and gets all the attention. You don't see his obsession with cheating or her never calling those men back. I hear alot of "I just want this....and that..and that...and that" from both sexes. I am a champion of firm standards but you have to understand that your need to look for fit instead of perfection. You are not perfect and neither is your partner. The key to keeping this from being a problem is twofold:
A) Always remember the great aspects of your mate. When he snores, think of how he always listens to your problems. When she's complaining about her day, remember those back rubs and dinners you get. This way you aren't punishing your partner for mediocre flaws in their personality. Believe me you will want that same kindness when you are in your moods.
B) Remember that perfection does not exist no matter how hard people around you try to portray it. The video vixen, that football player, that girl or guy on Facebook is no closer to 100% than the love of your life. Don't get tricked into believing trumped up claims of superiority. I've seen alot of people give up someone good based on the idea that someone "better" will come along. But having a good man/woman IS as good as it gets. And ten years from now that will trump the glamorous facade so many people portray.

2) You're Never Going To Go Blind Deaf and Dumb: I hear this one alot from men. "Oh when the right one comes, I'll know because I won't see anyone but her!" Wrong. Those other women will still be beautiful, tantalizing, and free for the taking. That won't change. The key is being mentally mature and getting a person of substance. Be mature enough to say "Yes she is attractive but what I have matches me well and I Don't want to give that up." If you can't say that than either they're not the one for you or you're not ready for a relationship. Either way, they need to know. The best way to deal with this is to face the status quo head on. Acknowledge how it affects you...

3) Know the Limits of Your Own Self Esteem: This one folks in crucial. I know it sounds weird but I've found that most people either overestimate or underestimate their egos. Some people have the urge to be societally acceptable and that is perfectly fine. That's a choice. So if you know that you lean towards needing society's approval, don't date someone that won't get you that! Its not fair to the person you are with. If you want a mate that your friends ooh and ahh over, that rivals a movie star's looks and a model's fashion, get that. You will never be satisfied with the girl next door. We'd all much rather you be shallow than a heart beaker :). On the other hand if you are dating someone just for their looks, money, status, etc. but you find yourself secretly glancing at a more down to Earth person, this is also unfair. Don't society trick you into thinking glamour is the same as love. How much patting on the back you need from society, as much as its unpopular to mention, DOES influence your decision. You just have to know how.

4) Stay Away From Statistics and Labels: Theres nothing society likes more than putting things in a box. Women have turned into this. Today's man is that. And of course there is usually some truth to claims but statistics don't have to mean YOU. Sometimes we're so busy falling into or trying to climb out of statistics, we don't see the reality of our lives. There are plenty of successful relationships. Don't damn yours before it starts based on how many Hollywood couples are cheating on each other. Don't cheat on your girl because everyone else is doing it. Don't bash your man because statistics say he may be cheating on you. People naturally fall into what they believe is the medium. If you believe everyone cheats, you may cheat a little. If you think every woman is out to get your man, which is ridiculous, you may become the crazy girlfriend. Don't be lazy and live only to the standard set for your relationship, set your own rules. Don't flirt with other people because its not acceptable in YOUR relationship. Talk to each every night because its something you like to do in YOUR relationship. Lastly,keep optimistic. Trust your own instincts and allow yourself to be happy without fear of the news.

At the end of the day, the status quo is always trying to keep up with the Jones's but let's be real, you don't know who the Jones's are. So live the life best suited for you and be with the partner best suited for you. When the Status Quo comes against you and yours, don't be afraid to create your own name and blaze your own trail.

Hope This Helps,
Classic

Get Better, Not Bitter

Some relationships are just terrible. They rob you of your abilities to believe in the basic things your mother taught you. You always believed that being a "good woman" or a "good man" would keep any relationship but everything still blew up in your face. You mull over in your head the what if the what couldas and the what shouldas but you come up empty of any profound reason you should have been treated the way you were treated. So you get angry, you get frustrated, you get BITTER.

We live in a generation of playing the field, where individuals are experimenting with what they like. Now more than ever before we have the luxury of casual dating. But with casual dating also comes the luxury of easy release. It is just so easy to love someone and leave someone without any regards for the other person. Society doesn't even bat an eyelash at cheating, arguments,and cruel treatment. Sometimes its easier to just leave than explain to someone why you don't want them or what it is that you are looking for. Sometimes, the person doesn't even know what they want. But if you are constantly the person on the other end. The person getting left instead of leaving themselves yet you know you have a pretty good set of skills under your belt that should lead to you being a good catch, its hard not to get bitter. Its hard not to look at the circumstances and declare that you will always be single and act accordingly. But don't let your nobody let you miss out on your somebody. One of the most important AND most attractive things an individual can possess is hope. Frankly, Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh was just annoying. Nobody wants to be around someone who is constantly negative and that's where bitter gets ya. But don't worry, here's a bit of knowledge to help you keep the faith.


1. Bitter is inevitable in certain situations. Focus On The Length of Time: Yeah I said it. Its OK to be bitter, just don't stay bitter. Sometimes in life situations happen to you that are so heinous that you have to vent those negative emotions. But don't focus on trying not to be bitter. Give yourself time to air out those negative emotions, just don't STAY in that dark place. Have some time out male bashing or female bashing with the friends over a cocktail. But on your angry break up music to do gym time to. Cry to your mom or dad about the state of the world. Its OK and its natural. But this should only go on for a certain period of time. You cannot cry forever. At some point the release is over and you're just making yourself more miserable. A good indicator of that point? When you start to repeat yourself. If you start to say the same thing over and over again, PULL YOURSELF OUT OF BITTER LAND. How do you do this?

2. PLEASE Do Not Date: I think I have to say it again DO...NOT...DATE. You need time alone. You need time to evaluate what you want and what you need and how those things have changed since your last relationship. Dating other people is good under some circumstances (see other blog posts) but when you are bitter, you are practically one or two more messed up relationships away from disaster and until you are in a better state, don't press your luck. Its kind of like being a pro athlete and getting a minor injury that keeps you out of 3 games. You're sitting out because if you tax your body, it will lead to a BIGGER injury that may take your career away from you. Have you noticed rebound guys are usually not people we even like that much? The only reason you are talking to them is because your emotions are spilling from one relationship to the next. So you already know the situation is going to lead to a blow up. Then you go from a sprain to an all out tear and you are not help to anyone at that point. And don't get me started on how unfair and how much damage you can do in your bitter state of mind to that other person. Bitter breeds bitter ya know.

3. Make Yourself Better:Instead, Increase Your Mental Toughness and Stability. Since you are by yourself, use this time to be selfish. Your self esteem is already lower than usual. The equation for bitterness: (Lowered Self Esteem + Pity + Anger= Bitterness). Before you enter into another compromising relationship as all relationships are, use this time to get things accomplished. Don't pity yourself. Pity anyone who didn't want you because you're not Vista, you are Windows 7 moving on to bigger and better things. It helps you get back to a neutral state. You can't feel used if you are filling yourself up. Get back in school, get back in the gym, get back in church, get back around the friends and family. Make a conscious effort to boost your own ego. Not only is confidence sexy, it is a necessary attribute to get over things. You can tell yourself "Yeah they didn't want that me but this me ain't nothing to play with." Make You 2.0. The You that is stronger, sexier, more mature, and better equipped. Trust me, finding better people will be easier because you'll exude the essence to attract better matches.

4. Get Back Out There. Lastly, after some time by yourself (I'm not talking weeks, its usually more like months to a year so be patient :)) you have to get back out there. Don't be a hermit, show that new you off. Don't be scared. Know that during your time "sitting on the bench", you've analyzed the game and worked on strategies to make yourself better acclimated to the craziness we call dating. You have a better knowledge of what you want and don't want and you feel good about yourself. You've restored hope and hope shines.

We've all been through "why me?" situations in our lives but remember just because you have a right to be bitter does not mean you should be. After all who are you hurting but yourself? As cliche as it sounds, you can only be you so why punish you? If you vent, spend time with your numero uno, go through some betterment procedures and some mental toughness drills, and THEN go back out there, I can promise you a new level of man or female will take notice. And so will that ex, though obviously too late ;)


Hope This Helps!
-Classic

How do you know YOU are in PAIN?

We have all heard hurting people hurt people. Well they also hurt themselves. Pain is one of those emotions that can easily be disguised and not properly taken care of; it WILL eat away at you. I encounter more people in pain everyday than I do anything else. And I always ask myself "Do they know they are wearing their pain on their sleeve?" Pain does not only come from relationships, which I touched on earlier. There are sources of pain so deep that you've been in constant pain since your childhood. I've been in pain and it is such an abysmal place to be. It’s time to get rid of the hurt and disapproval of ourselves. So today's blog is addressed to those people who may not know they are hurting. And because we are focused on positivity, I will follow each one with ways to combat it.
1) Something Terrible Happened: If a tragedy happens in your life, the pain is SOMEWHERE. Especially African Americans, we don't deal with deaths and disappointments but you did feel something and if you don't address it, it will manifest itself into every aspect of your life. You can't expect to be back to emotional green after some tragedies occur. Nobody is that strong, we weren't created to be. Get help, whether it is a counselor, a pastor, or a friend, talk it out. Do it for your mental and emotional future.
2) Everyday occurrences cause destruction: There are days when things go wrong. And when these things occur, you may feel like saying "Damn!" or kicking something. But when little things happening throughout your day always seem to summon a complete meltdown, you are in pain. That dude you can't stand saying something off the wall shouldn't elicit an outburst. Your car overheating shouldn't land you in the bed crying the rest of the day. If you always feel like: "If one more thing happens, I will lose it", there's something behind the veil you have not dealt with or dealt with properly.
3) You're constantly negative: Have people made comments to you like,"Dang why are you so negative" or "Hater!". If you get these all the time, chances are there is an underlying pain to your cynicism. There are two different types of negative people: Theoretically negative and Aspect negative. Let's start with theoretically negative people or people that think that as a whole the world is just a dismal place. People that are happy are said to see the world through "rose colored glasses." Negative people see through pitch black ones. Every situation similar to yours has to be commented on as if it were exactly like yours, am I right? The "men always aint shit" women, the "women are all the same" men, or my favorites: the "you just can't get ahead in the world" people. We all know them. Soon people will start pulling away from you. There's nothing worse than someone who you know will always answer your questions negatively. It may also stop your future friends and relationship from coming to fruition as well.
Aspect negative people are those people that are always picking on characteristics and traits in particular people. "Girl her hair is cute!"..."Nah she needs a perm and that style is outdated, did you know she's a ho?" Yeah those people. Usually this comes from a physical pain. Hint if you don't know why you say these things. The things you pick on in other people are USUALLY the traits you are most uncomfortable in yourself. Most people who are always commenting on other people being unattractive, usually don’t think they’re attractive at all. And that’s REAL. And if you are that negative person, your friends have noticed. So ask them, do I do these things? They'll tell you (Will they!). Seeing flaws in other people usually comes from a physical pain. Maybe you got picked on for being bigger when you were little and now bigger people get on your nerves. etc.
4) You are overly sensitive and paranoid: This one is the saddest ones to me and I know by experience. I've been there. The classic "everyone has planned their days out to make me feel bad" person. Someone doesn't call them back in 10 minutes and they go into convulsions like the person is laughing at them while their phone is going off. You hear your coworkers whispering and you automatically think they are talking about you. This pain usually is caused by some pain associated with your physical appearance. I'm not appealing because I'm too short, dark, big, etc. It makes you believe everyone sees you the way you see yourself. Like I've said before, realistically, most people don't care enough about you to conspire against you. I know you're saying: "Ashley, you're mean" Nope! When you get that in your head, it instantly cures paranoia. Think about when you're happy, how little you think about the average person around you. You don't. You're in your own little world. So are they. So buck up, your insecurities are in your head. People don’t see you the way you see yourself, Thank God!
5) You find it hard to be motivated: The "What's the point?" person is a real downer for themselves and others. Everyday is a struggle to get menial tasks done. This pain is usually tied to something spiritual or mental. You start to feel like whatever you do, it just is not enough to change anything. You have to be careful. This one can turn into full blown depression and that is all bad.
The Way to Stop it?
1) Find the Root: Be honest. The most beautiful people in the world have admitted flaws. Admit you don't like your hair or wish you could be smarter. It's okay. If you know what really hurts, you can treat it. It's like something on your body hurting; you can't apply Neosporin if you do not know where the cut is.
2) Kill IT: There is no one stop fix pain shop unfortunately, especially for the deep rooted problems. The best way to kill pain is to work on it. Whatever area you are weakest in find ways to make yourself stronger in that area. If one of your pains comes from being overweight, eat healthier, go to the gym, and buy clothes and accessories that fit and make you feel slimmer in the process. If you don't feel adequately smart, read books or try taking on a new language so you can be proud of your mental accomplishments. If you feel like the world is unfair, get closer to achieving a dream no one can stop you from achieving: find people to cut your album, apply to a degree program, or write a blog. :) Most "flaws" can be corrected by dedication. It also corrects that struggle to be motivated.

I hope this helped. I felt an urge to write about this so I feel like someone needed it. (I had something else planned for today). It’s just an introduction. Pain is a tricky thing but as usually this will start you down a more positive direction. More blogs on this topic to come. You are beautiful and undeserving of pain. That's my word. :)

- Classic

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
- Jim Morrison

REAL vs. FAKE Self Esteem

So this topic came to me in the middle of writing another blog. I had to post this first because it is extremely important to distinguish a real versus fake opinion of ones self. As of lately I have seen so many people obsessed with LOOKING like they are confident. However this is very different from actually being confident. So here are some questions to air out that emotional baggage you may be carrying about your self image.

1) Do I see beauty in being an imperfect human?

Almost everyday I scan my facebook and twitter pages to see how people lives are going. One thing that I find interesting is that some of my friends are ALWAYS posting status driven statuses (I know you like the wordplay :)). Now don't get me wrong I am not saying air out your dirty laundry via facebook or that there is anything wrong with positive emotions, but there is something real and refreshing about someone who paints themselves are a flawed human. There are going to be some days you don't feel like a don, a 5 star bitch, a boss, a diva, etc, etc. But it seems like even in their worst hours, people are determined to make others feel like their lives are perfection. If you are only comfortable faking superiority or posting pictures of how your life is better than everyone elses, perhaps you need to evaluate your NEED for this. If you fake it, you never will really make it.

Instead realize that some days you will feel more confident than others and on these days lacking that self assurance you can face your feelings and issues head on instead of submerging your feelings under things that really don't make you any better of a person.

2) Do I need constant reassurance?

Like any human, we crave attention and reassurance but lack of confidence is evident in needing constant reassurance. You know the people....that have to twitter "At the club with Person A"...."At the mall with person B"..."Here's a picture of me doing something crazy" . People craving retweets and status replies. Here's a news flash: if what you were doing was so much fun, you probably would not be thinking of how people on the Internet will react to what you are doing. Always needing validation leads to nothing but confusion and more self doubt. What happens when nobody seems to care about something you thought they would? Do your emotions free fall?

Instead try to lead the life that you want to lead, not the life you believe would get the most envious stares and gossip bits, because sadly most of those people are laughing at you not with you. Set a plan in action of where you want to be in 10 years and before you go act on a whim ask yourself if this is going to get you any closer to THAT goal. The best way to get people to notice is to be original, be confident, and be genuine. Those three are in short supply.

3) Do I like other people like me?

A lot of times people with low self esteem transfer their negative feelings about themselves onto other people who portray similar characteristics. Do you find yourself randomly disliking people? If so there may be something in that person that is mirroring something you do not like about yourself. Don't idolize people you are nothing like. That will always lead to self doubt. Instead find role models that encompass who are you and could grow into.

When we were all growing up there weren't many women portrayed that were brown skin successful women that weren't mean, controlling, or bitter. As a child my three chicks were Stacey Dash, Kenya Moore, and my mom. Stacey Dash usually portrayed a sweet quiet spoken woman. Kenya Moore was a beautiful brown skin Miss USA that excelled in philantrophy. My mother has the most strength class and wisdom of anyone I know. I started to really love being Ashley Kennedy and believed that I, just as I am physically and mentally, could encompass all those things. Love for myself grew leaps and bounds. Try your hardest to like people that look like you, have the same goals as you, think like you, and act like you. Who you REALLY are is to be celebrated. As you begin to love them, you in turn begin to love myself.

4) Can I be alone?

Now this is an interesting one a friend and I discussed. A little test to see how you really feel about yourself is to go home alone, sit down, and try to just relax in bed with no mindless television or music. If you can't face the thoughts in your head, most of the time you are lacking true self esteem. Most people keep busy so as not to face themselves.

If this is the case, then really listen to what you're thinking and feeling for those few moments. Let the insecurities creep in so you can find the root and destroy them. Lack of self esteem usually comes from ideas that aren't true to begin with:

"I am the only one that feels this way" - WRONG. Like Kanye says we're all self conscious and you're just admitting it.

"People have it better than me" - WRONG. 2 things always ring true: Life is what you make it and tribulations affect everyone. Every person has had a day when they are the fall guy. Today is just yours.

"People don't care about me" - WRONG. To be honest the general public doesn't care about anything. Most people on your friend list would not even notice if you didn't post for 5 years. And they are not being mean, people are living their own lives. However, you DO have your squad of people in your life that are your cheerleaders. Focus on spending time with the people that actually care about you instead of impressing people that barely know you are there.

Now doing these three things will not be an instant access to self esteem but it will get you in the right mindset to deal with any negative emotions you have. And believe me it is worth it to deal with some negative emotions to promote overall good mental health and positive self image. I write this because I am going through it as we speak as I know many others are. Remember, you can't fake it until you make it so deal with it and be the person you are portraying for real.

-Classic