How To Tell The Good Men From The Bad Men....

Good men don't always ride white horses and bad men don't always ride harleys. In fact good men can be bad men and bad men can be good men. People treat different people differently. One woman's good man could be another woman's torture. So how do you spot a man that is bad for you versus a man that will do you right?
Here are a few tips....

1)He doesn't respect anyone:
He doesn't respect authority. He doesn't respect his elders. He doesn't respect people that help him. He is in a constant battle with....everyone. Chances are he's been locked up or thrown out of some establishment in his lifetime. The people that should be close to him, family, friends, etc usually aren't. At first you may think that this man is strong, masculine, independent, and courageous but honestly, he's just a rebel without a cause. You have to respect someone in life. If he cannot find anyone he listened to before you, he will not listen to you either. Alot of women fall victim to wanting to be a man's everything. That he will magically be mean to everyone around him but you. In all actually, he probably has not gotten around to disrespecting you yet... but its coming. Behind all the bravado is usually a scared and hurt individual lashing out irrationally. So, if your man hates authority, is constantly disrespecting everyone around him, and always bucking the system even to his detriment, you can put him in the BAD category and get away while your dignity is still in tact.

2) He never has anything to say to you
Some men are not the best communicators. Some men have problems displaying their emotions. But even if its not always serious convo, they should want to talk to you. Even when you do get him to hang out with you (which I'm sure is rare as well), you sit in an awkward silence. A man that has nothing to talk about with you probably is either not interested or emotionally inept. Either one leads to some bad relationships. A man that doesn't find you interesting will never wake up one day and start cherishing you. Communication is key. This is not to say he can't communicate with anyone but if he doesn't communicate with you, we have to ship his no talking ass to the BAD category.

3)He comes highly not recommended
Everybody is not lying. If he has left a trail of women in his wake, chances are he's a bad boy. Newsflash: you will not be the one to change him. Get over the Madam Safe a Life complex we women sometimes get. Even if you do somehow "reform" his ways, you usually end up miserable and wanting out of the relationship. So let players play and find a man who is in a mental and physical position in his life to treat you well.

4) He's All Propaganda
These guys are fun. They talk a great game but when it comes down to it, you never see the proof in their pudding. The Classic "I swear Ill make it up to you" guy, the dreamer "One day we will..." guy, and the infamous "If you have just given me time.." guy. No matter how much time, energy, and care is spent, they never seem to come through. Honestly, most things that look too good to be true are. The man of your dreams may snore...or watch too many sports...or make inappropriate jokes. Basically, even your dream man will be a real man. These men sell themselves as dreams because their real personalities are far from what you would want. So if you're waiting for the "day that never comes." Dump him in the BAD pile and lets move on.

5) Nothing is His Fault
Be careful with this one because it usually does not start out with you. Watch how he handles situations that don't go well for him. Does he ever take responsibility for his actions? Is it always his boss's fault, his ex's fault, that guy at the bar's fault? If he never thinks his wrong, in the relationship, that makes YOU wrong. His classic line is "This wouldn't have happened if you..." You don't want to be with someone who constantly makes you the villain and them the victim. Not only is it damn annoying, you will lash out and actually become the villain after a while. Don't sully your good name. On to the next.

6) He's Mean to the Weak and the less fortunate
This one is HUGE. The measure of a man is in how he treats the people he does not have to be nice to. Does he get mad at old ladies for taking too much time? Does he hate children? Does he get inexplicably mad at the waitress? Does he get mad because a homeless man touched his jacket? Not only does he lack respect, he lacks regard for people that cannot do anything for him. he usually lacks empathy as well. These men tend to be prone to fits of rage and unbalanced aggression. NOT a good situation. This means he'll lose regard for you when you are no longer "useful." Now he doesn't have to want kids or volunteer at the nursing home to not be in this category but if he's mean to the "sweet" members of our society. Run...and run fast.

7) He hates everyone that loves you
A good man will never strain your relationship with your loved ones. If your man has made your life a tug of war. If you feel your friends and family slipping away, slip away with them. First, your friends and family probably see something you don't and that is putting him on alarm to pull you away. Second, this is text book controlling and manipulative behavior. After all, you are not going to leave a man when you have nowhere to go right? Don't get yourself in such a hopeless situation. You can tell this man because he usually has a lack of close friends and family himself. He constantly talks with an us against the world philosophy. He's suspicious and your time out of his presence gets to be less and less over time. Family came first, they should stay. A good man will rise to the occasion to gain acceptance from your friends and family. The only ones that won't, have something to hide.

8) There are Other Women
It would seem this is self explanatory but apparently not. If there are known other women in the picture, please don't set yourself up to get your feelings hurt. Now if you are just wanting a good time with a guy, by all means its 2011, do you. But you cannot make a stable relationship with 5 6 or 7 members! If he can't let the other women go, and you're relationship ready...leave and maybe you can rekindle something at a more stable time in both of your lives sans the other members. Staying only makes the situation worse until the inevitable blow up...and after that...a later connection is no longer possible.

These are just some of the really BIG warning signs that the guy may be a bad fit for you. We all are different. We all require different things in a relationship but every women deserves to be treated like a princess. And trust me there is a man out there more than capable to do the job well. You have to know that some things never lead anywhere good. Remember just because he displays some of these characteristics does not mean he is a bad guy in life but he will tend to be in a relationship. You have the right to analyze your partner before jumping into something with them. If they possess qualities you just can't live with, maybe its time for greener pastures. The good men will thank you and you'll thank yourself.

Hope This Helps,
Classic

Why are YOU single?

Why am I alone? So many people are getting to that age when their friends are getting married or are in serious committed relationships. You look up and realize that it has been just you for a while now. But you just can't put your finger on what it is that gets you out of there every date. What's stopping you from finding that perfect match? Well, here are some of the key factors in why people end up alone on Saturday nights. This isn't all of them but its a start to the guide to get you in that relationship you want.

1) You are emotionally unavailable:

This could either be on purpose or completely unintentional. When people are busy, their emotions are invested somewhere else, whether that someone else be their job, their friends, or themselves. People can sense when you will not be able to give them your all and few will stick around once that is recognized. Now if this is on purpose and you are intentionally unavailable and know the consequences of it, it is not a bad thing. Sometimes its necessary to invest in yourself. But many people have taken their head out of the relationship game and don't even realize it. Emotionally unavailable people still sometimes make it into relationships, which has always been odd to me. They tend to be unattentive and borderline mean. Some forget things then take it out on their partners. Others are just relationship lazy. They expect their partner to do everything while they focus on themselves. It is not because they are bad people, it is because emotionally they are just not there. They treat their partner more as an accessory to their busy life than a partner.

The only solution to emotional shut in syndrome is simply effort and time. You are probably distant because your focus is somewhere else. But now that you know you are unavailable you can make a conscious decision to pay more attention to your dating life and the people in it. The time factor comes in because sometimes it is simply not the right time. Your heart wants something that your mind and body can't cash. So if your career is in its flux or your family needs you or you are more comfortable spending time by yourself, sometimes your best option is to wait until your life clears up and you can give a budding relationship the attention it deserves. Don't try to fit a relationship in your life when you aren't stable or present. It never works.

2)You don't believe in relationships:

So many people suffer from this one. They are in relationships but they talk to me and say: " I don't know if I believe in relationships. They don't work." My response is also a heart felt: " Why the hell are you in one??" Seriously people, you get what you believe. Its like the little girl whose mom packed her a cookie and she just knew the cookie was going to be stale. So she didn't eat it and put it in her desk. Four weeks later she took the cookie out her desk and ate it. "See," she said, " I told you it was stale." Point being your insecurities and disbelief may be the thing messing up the relationship. If you don't believe in something, you don't ACT like you believe in it. You may be doing things like being sarcastic, rude, jealous, and manipulative in response to something that isn't even going on. Have a little faith or be single. Relationships are hard enough without one person sabotaging it.

3) You don't have people skills:

Some of the best people in the world are single due to this reason. Talking to people is an art form, whether it be a romantic relationship, a friendly relationship, or a business one. Have you ever met someone that just "came off" a certain way? Well, that may be you. For example, a lot of people say I can come off very serious. I'm actually one of the silliest people in the world. Since hearing that, I focus on smiling more when I come into a room and using hand gestures and light convo to put people at ease around me. People who lack social skills are usually the ones left asking their entire lives: "Whats wrong with me? I have all these qualities but I can never find anybody" Its not you. Its your skills. The best way to combat this is to be more confident, which is usually thwarted by years of basic solidarity. Start off small. Talk to the clerk as you are checking out your bags at the store. Smile at the pretty girl or the handsome man at your job. Do all actions with a sense of demand and confidence. Its like weight loss.. As each behavior is rewarded, you'll want to do it more and more.

4) You are trying too hard:

Men and women are sometimes guilty of this. You call too much. You flirt too much. You make a love connection out of every date you go on. No one likes desperate and its oozing out of your pores. Newsflash: we all would like to find love. But it doesn't have to be every breath you take. Men and women like a good chase. We want someone who shows us interest but isn't too overpowering. Let your date return the favor. It does not necessarily have to be a game and there are no rules to it. But by pulling back a little, it allows them to either step forward (which gives you confidence) or step back (which lets you know they are not the one). Either way win-win :) My advice with dealing with your antsy behaviors is simple: find something else to do. I know alot of people are not going to agree with this but in the example of this personality its for the best. DATE MULTIPLE PEOPLE. Caution: Not saying string people along and be in five relationships. But in the prepubescent stages of new dating experiences, it is OK to have more than one prospect. This allows you to spread out your LOADS of attention so everybody gets just the right amount. When you are giving Bobby space, you can be talking to Jason. But don't let things get out of hand. Once you've sealed the deal with Bobby, Jason has to go. But that should not be a problem...because you kept it real with everyone right? ;)

5) Your standards are out of whack

Notice I did not say the age old "your standards are too high" because I don't believe that. Standards should always be high. You should always believe you can go to Harvard and be a millionaire. But you should also take a look at other opportunities that come your way. That's how you approach dating. Simple things like height, race, occupation in a mate are things you don't know if you will like until you try. But never change your moral and character standards. Those should always be in place. Standard being out of whack can mean your standards are unrealistic but it can also mean your standards are misplaced.Just because you could be sometimes in the future doesn't mean you can get it at this point in your life. Some standards may be a little misplaced. For example, he has to make 100000 because I'm in school and when I get out, that's what I will be making. Well give him a chance as well. You are not making that yet. Sometimes you have to wait to get the best. So if you're aiming for the stars you have to make the journey up to them. Make sure your standards are fair. You'd want them to be for you.

6) You are finicky:

Ashley, aren't finicky and high standards the same? NO Finicky by dictionary standards is "insisting capriciously (with random mood changes) on getting just what one wants; difficult to please." In other words, you don't know what you want until something walks in front of you and that's suddenly better than what you had. NO ONE LIKES FINICKY PEOPLE. Its irritating because its unpredictable. He or she could be your moon and stars one day and lower than the ground the next. The only cure for finicky behavior is insight. Everything that glitters isn't gold was written for the finicky individual. At the end of the day, you are going to have to pick someone and stick with them...or be single. Those are the only choices.

At the end of the day being single is a natural healthy process that I encourage all adults to try at some point to figure out what they want. But if you are in this state constantly and are wanting a change, these may be some of your downfalls. You can and will have a fulfilling relationship but acknowledgement is key to change. So put your best foot forward and go get em.

Hope This Helps,
Classic

How to Keep and Utilize Your Friends!

We all have friends that we love and live life with and we also all have those relationships that are well, more like acquaintances than actual friendships. Some friends are there everyday, some friends don't seem to do much of anything. But in this life we need as many friends as we can get and maintain so here's my little manual to keeping your friends and making the best out of your relationship.

1) You Can't Keep Everyone...
I'm sorry. I wish you could. But the general rule of thumb here is you have to lend yourself to a circle of people traveling in the direction you are traveling. Now does this mean, I'm an engineer, they have to be engineers? No. Its more of a framework of goals and lifestyle choices. Do you both believe in progressive moment? To what lengths are you willing to reach their goals? Do you live a low key or more upbeat lifestyle? Are you drama free? Etc. Contrary to popular beliefs, single and married people, different incomes, different religions, opposite sexes, and different occupations can be lifelong friends if these views are similar.
If you are trying to be the best you can be, someone who is not is a hindrance. It doesn't make you a bad person or a failure to let some relationships go. I know it feels that way but you only have one life to live and you don't need to live it with weights around your ankles. Yeah they were your friend back since the 5th grade but if they've started nothing but havoc and drama since the playgrounds, it may be time to let them go. So how do you know if you are going in the same direction? Simple. You already know. My readers are smart :). If you think about it for a while, you will know if you and your friends are on the same page.
2) Eliminate Drama...
Please people. If someone is about drama in their lives or causes drama in yours, you need to sit down and figure out what the problem is. If there is no resolution to the negativity, it may be time to let them go. How do you know someone is about the drama? Almost eeeverytime you talk to them, its about some crap. There are no "Hey how are you, Lets get lunch" conversations. Now there is a difference between a Mess Drowner and a Mess Starter however. Mess drowners use drama as an addiction. They never start it but always seem to be in it. This usually comes from lack of self esteem and bad choices. These things can be rectified with time and alot of patience but the Mess Starter is almost impossible to change. The Mess Starter enjoys meddling and provoking. They always seem to have a match near the building when it explodes. Sadly, most of the time, they just have to be removed. Not only for you but for the rest of your circle. If there is one problem, it is best to remove that person before you lost all your relationships.
3) Let The Pettiness and Jealousy Go
Men are going to be like...Ohh this one is for the ladies. No its for you too. People are naturally comparison driven and if you are around someone that may have an aspect of life they are doing well in, you may feel those pangs of jealously creep in. Just remember that this is your friend and not your enemy. The more
your friends succeed, the better you look. So rejoice in their success. You'd want them to do that for you. Avoid pettiness as well amongst your friends. Remember to look at the other all picture...your friendship. Keep that strong. So many people have huge blowout with their friends and weeks later can't even remember what the fight was about, but the damage is done. Rise above the he said/she said and your differences. So what she bought the same purse you have. So what he invited you last to a party at his house (I'm not making this up). At the end of the day, if you have a friend you can depend on, count yourself lucky and bite your tongue sometimes.
4) Know That You Have a Good Thing
As I just stated, you have a good thing! Once you've found that strong inner circle of a few people you can count on, make sure you let them know it. reciprocate friendship and be thankful for it. Friends are not there to be used and thrown away, its a delicate relationship that may be even more complicated than romantic relationships. Go out on a guys night or a girls retreat and crack some jokes. It will make your bond stronger.

Now that you have your friends solid, here are ways you and them can use your friendship to the utmost of its capabilities. Friends provide an excellent setting for networking and feedback. Here are three ways to utilize friendly ties:

1) Start Joint Ventures
You spend a lot of time together. You have similar interests. Find some outlet where you guys can bond over what you love and make some bank. Now granted there is a delicate balance between work and friendship (another blog :)) but it can be done and those partnerships are priceless in the business world. If you and your buddy both like sports, open up a sports bar together. Put one person in charge of the actual bar and one person in charge of outside needs like advertising and sales. If you both love charity, start a non profit together. Use each of your strengths to grow the business into something you both can be proud of.
2) Network
Your friends know people you don't know. Good friends have hooked thousands of people up with jobs, friends, even relationships. If they have you as a friend chances are their other friends are similar too. This is especially crucial in a new city atmosphere. One friend can parlay you into an entire network. Have a party at your house and tell your friends to invite their friends...then yall can be friends! (LOL)
3) Celebrate With Them
Lastly enjoy your friends. That is what they are there for! You didn't put them in your life to argue with them and leave them. You chose them to travel with you through life. Toast to those hard times you overcame together!

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”-Anonymous

Hope This Helps,
Classic

The OTHER people in your relationship. Part IV: The Status Quo

You are influenced and so am I. So much of who we are is the culture around us. Many aspects of beauty, truth, manners, mindset, and behaviors are learned through your environment, so it is a fair assumption to tell you that the status quo may play a major role in your relationship.

1) There Is No Such Thing As Perfect: Today more than ever status quo focuses on the creation of perfection. Alot of this comes from the half truths we see on tv and walking around. I mean come on a Bridalplasty show to create the perfect bride?? Every show the people have money and plastic surgery and "perfect lives." The handsome guy in the business suit that plays on tv. The girl with hair down to here that works at your job and gets all the attention. You don't see his obsession with cheating or her never calling those men back. I hear alot of "I just want this....and that..and that...and that" from both sexes. I am a champion of firm standards but you have to understand that your need to look for fit instead of perfection. You are not perfect and neither is your partner. The key to keeping this from being a problem is twofold:
A) Always remember the great aspects of your mate. When he snores, think of how he always listens to your problems. When she's complaining about her day, remember those back rubs and dinners you get. This way you aren't punishing your partner for mediocre flaws in their personality. Believe me you will want that same kindness when you are in your moods.
B) Remember that perfection does not exist no matter how hard people around you try to portray it. The video vixen, that football player, that girl or guy on Facebook is no closer to 100% than the love of your life. Don't get tricked into believing trumped up claims of superiority. I've seen alot of people give up someone good based on the idea that someone "better" will come along. But having a good man/woman IS as good as it gets. And ten years from now that will trump the glamorous facade so many people portray.

2) You're Never Going To Go Blind Deaf and Dumb: I hear this one alot from men. "Oh when the right one comes, I'll know because I won't see anyone but her!" Wrong. Those other women will still be beautiful, tantalizing, and free for the taking. That won't change. The key is being mentally mature and getting a person of substance. Be mature enough to say "Yes she is attractive but what I have matches me well and I Don't want to give that up." If you can't say that than either they're not the one for you or you're not ready for a relationship. Either way, they need to know. The best way to deal with this is to face the status quo head on. Acknowledge how it affects you...

3) Know the Limits of Your Own Self Esteem: This one folks in crucial. I know it sounds weird but I've found that most people either overestimate or underestimate their egos. Some people have the urge to be societally acceptable and that is perfectly fine. That's a choice. So if you know that you lean towards needing society's approval, don't date someone that won't get you that! Its not fair to the person you are with. If you want a mate that your friends ooh and ahh over, that rivals a movie star's looks and a model's fashion, get that. You will never be satisfied with the girl next door. We'd all much rather you be shallow than a heart beaker :). On the other hand if you are dating someone just for their looks, money, status, etc. but you find yourself secretly glancing at a more down to Earth person, this is also unfair. Don't society trick you into thinking glamour is the same as love. How much patting on the back you need from society, as much as its unpopular to mention, DOES influence your decision. You just have to know how.

4) Stay Away From Statistics and Labels: Theres nothing society likes more than putting things in a box. Women have turned into this. Today's man is that. And of course there is usually some truth to claims but statistics don't have to mean YOU. Sometimes we're so busy falling into or trying to climb out of statistics, we don't see the reality of our lives. There are plenty of successful relationships. Don't damn yours before it starts based on how many Hollywood couples are cheating on each other. Don't cheat on your girl because everyone else is doing it. Don't bash your man because statistics say he may be cheating on you. People naturally fall into what they believe is the medium. If you believe everyone cheats, you may cheat a little. If you think every woman is out to get your man, which is ridiculous, you may become the crazy girlfriend. Don't be lazy and live only to the standard set for your relationship, set your own rules. Don't flirt with other people because its not acceptable in YOUR relationship. Talk to each every night because its something you like to do in YOUR relationship. Lastly,keep optimistic. Trust your own instincts and allow yourself to be happy without fear of the news.

At the end of the day, the status quo is always trying to keep up with the Jones's but let's be real, you don't know who the Jones's are. So live the life best suited for you and be with the partner best suited for you. When the Status Quo comes against you and yours, don't be afraid to create your own name and blaze your own trail.

Hope This Helps,
Classic

7 Things Women Should Know About Men

I write alot of blogs for both men and women but I want to address the women in this one. As a little girl, you weren't really told that much about the inner workings of men (I know I wasn't). I saw men as these "other" people that lived by a different code than women. That we'd never understand each other but you would have to find a way to coexist. But as I've grown older, had male friends, had relationships, I realized men aren't all that hard to figure out. So these are just some points to take into consideration ladies as we interact with our opposite sex...

1) Its Hard Being A Man:
There is a lot of media attention about how hard it is to be us ladies but honestly, its hard to be either sex these days. Men have pressures just like we do. Because they have been presented as the dominant sex, it is sometimes easy to forget that your way in the world is not made just because you are a man. In some aspects, the world is far less kind to men. For example, single men can't get government assistance if their life depended on it. You're far less likely to help out a homeless man than a homeless woman. Men go through stress strain self doubt and issues as we do. If you understand that, its easier to relate. If you realize your man is in a bad mood or is off in his own world, this is not the time to compare the severity of your days. Give him a hug, tell him you understand. Men are not indestructible so be the welder and not the wrecking ball.
2) Settling Down Really Can Be That Scary For Them:
They're not lying. Especially when a man is having insecurities on his ability to provide financially and emotionally for another person, the last thing they want to do is commit. It is a scary thought that you will have to support you, a wife, and kids. If you don't go to work, nobody eats. So don't pressure relationships. Men have a way of coming around but take heed to his words. Most men's logic makes sense. If he is not feeling secure, he probably will not make a good mate right now anyway.
3) Men Have Feelings Too:
Women I'm sure you know this from having male friends, men are sensitive. In our society, sensitivity is a weakness so they probably won't burst into tears over dinner. But know that you CAN hurt his feelings. And considering men are rarely taught how to deal with emotions such as heartbreak and disappointment in a healthy manner, you may see a side of him you would never want to see. It is part of your job in a relationship to protect your partners feelings but I see so many women ripping into their man and when he says something back, they go cry. Why do you assume your arrows don't penetrate when his did? Find a way to communicate with your partner. It doesn't have to be normal talk sessions, whatever works for you guys. But the longer you stay with your partner, the more you'll get a gage for what insults penetrate. Warning: This is not an advantage to bring up in an argument. Refrain from ever hitting low blows. Men are much more inclined to leave when their feelings are hurt than women. If you hit that blow, you may never have a chance to fix it. So protect him and he'll protect you. The more you're kind to him, the more likely he'll be inclined to never hurt you.
4) A Man Needs His Masculinity
This goes with the point above. Not only have I seen women say hurtful things but emasculating things. Never attack a man's ability to provide, his strength, his essence of masculinity if you want that man. I can guarantee you your relationship will be short lived. Men have the proclivity to want to be perceived as kings. But women get this confused: its not a dominance thing, its a respect thing. They want to know they are cherished and respected. Be discrete about disagreements. Keep your relationship in house. Men perceive a loss of respect of their peers when they see him not getting respect from his own lady. A man with a wounded ego is like a dog with a broken leg; they may be the sweetest but when they are wounded, they bite. Because of the rise of women in successful arenas, we sometimes forget that its not a competition between you and your man. It does not make you weak to cook him dinner, rub his back, and say to him: "I'm so blessed you are in my life. I love you" Not only does a little pampering of your man promote peace but it stops him from wanting to leave the house for attention, helping you with those other contenders we just talked about ;).
5) Men Are The Strong Helpless Type:
They don't need you but they need you. As confusing as that is, it is true. Hence why men are so obsessed with the "ride or die" chick image. They need to know you're not going anywhere so they can rely on you with a sound mind. Although ride or die is not particularly healthy (that's another blog spot :) The concept I will agree with is stability. Its hard to knock a woman who is always the same and never waivers. As women we sometimes have a tendency to let our emotions build and then explode. You ever heard your man tell you that you're crazy when you do that or sit there perplexed wondering why you're not the same as he left you. The reason men don't respond favorably to outbursts is that they begin to doubt your stability. He begins to question: "Who am I gonna come home to today?" Now true, men like the exciting, wild, unpredictable women but they rarely are with them long term. Men like peace at their house. This one is the hardest for me because I'm a natural talker. When I feel a certain way, I want to stop everything and talk about it until my little heart is content. But try not to bombard the man at the door. Instead, relax, give him a kiss, and talk it over calmly later on in the night. He's more likely to listen and you keep the stable vibe. You want your man to want to come home, to be around you, and to feel like he can count on you being around and being consistent.
6) Men Like Women:
That's why he got you in the first place. That doesn't change simply because one is in a relationship. You cannot take every women off the planet to protect your man so instead of screaming when he looks at Nia Long in Friday or taking away the man's porn collection (yeah I said it), understand that he is not on the verge of cheating. A good man is not one who sees no woman but you, a good man is a man who chooses you REGARDLESS of the other women he sees. Be confident in yourself. When you go out, compliment the waitress on her hair enjoy your dinner then take your man home. He got you for a reason, she's not sitting in your position.
7) There are Differences Between Us but Our Cores Are the Same
We're all actually quite simple when you break it down. Don't do anything to a man you wouldn't want done to you. We're the same in wanting love, respect, peace, honesty, and companionship.

I can't and won't say I know everything there is to know about men. I'm learning with you guys! But I will say this:men aren't too hard to figure out but you have to know the basics. I hear women say "submitting, taking of a mans feelings is so hard." Trust me its not hard for the right man. If you don't believe your man deserves these considerations, you may want to ask yourself what kind of man you have and why you're still there with him. Relationships whether romantic, friendship, familial, etc. take compromise. But you can't compromise effectively unless you know what the other person wants.

Hope This Helps,
Classic

The OTHER people in your relationship. Part III: The Contenders

In relationships, we want to reign supreme. We want our presence to be the only one felt by our partner. But there is and always will be a lot of temptation out there. There are two types of temptation however: dormant and aggressive. Dormant temptation is just good looking individuals that happen to be around your mate. They don't necessarily want them or are doing anything to get them. This type of temptation there is really no relief from. Just as your partner has to come to the conclusion that good looking people exist around you, you have to do the same with them. However, aggressive temptation is what we are focusing on today. The men and women that are actively trying to initiate a response from your significant other. We'll call these people, the contenders. But instead of feeling discouraged or pressured by the presence of other men or women, you can train yourself on how to deal with these individuals who seek to steal your mate from you.

1) Don't Engage the Enemy: Women, this is for us especially. I know the women around your mate can infuriate you with their blatant acts. In today's society more than ever some women feel that relationships are just survival of the fittest. If they get your man from you, that is just how the game is played. There is less and less moral contempt for the "home wrecker". However, do not engage in a game of tit for tat with this other woman. This is not a good idea for several reasons:
One: She is probably better at it than you. Yeah if she is doing something like actively trying to steal someone's mate, this probably is not her first time at the rodeo.
Two: It ruins your character. Be above the trickery. Your have the world's respect at this point. You have done nothing wrong. You are the innocent party. Keep it that way.
Ok Ashley so I can't key her car ;)...What can you do you ask?
One: Have a civil conversation with her:
If you MUST talk to her. If you simply cannot hold your peace, invite her out to a public setting where neither of you can let the situation escalate and set down your expectations. Some women will back down in the face of a confident woman making demands. But do not let her bate you. Say your peace and leave. After she has been told, she can no longer claim she did not know and that is all you want from her. You cannot control another woman but you can...
Two: Handle your mate.
From this point on every interaction you should have should be with your mate. The other individual should no longer affect you, you have said your peace. If the relationship does not work out, it is now in the hands of your significant other. Grown people have a responsibility to not be swayed. If you are grown you make grown decisions. So with that being said, here are ways to keep your mate's attention and loyalty towards you while still smelling like a rose :)

2) Be Confident:
Confidence hides many a flaw. You are the individual in the relationship. Your significant other cares for you so act like it. Confidence shines from the inside out and makes you ten times more attractive than you would be without it. Insecure people tend to be less attractive. So in the face of contenders, smile, put on your best outfit and never let them see you sweat. Trust and confidence go hand in hand. And your partner will appreciate your lack of concern and insecurity. After all, "to be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved." - George MacDonald. Your mate will take notice and love you the more for your ability to always believe in your own worthiness.

3) Set Guide Rules and Expectations:
This should actually be done before the emergence of these other people. Early int he relationship, ground rules should be set on how the two of you as individuals feel about different relationship events that could happen. This isn't always the most pleasant conversation so I usually make it into a game. Everyone around me knows that I like the game Scenarios. Its a game where you both sit down over food or coffee and just ask each other scenarios and tell each other truthfully how you would handle them. You can touch upon questions about infidelity, money, sex, love, careers, anything. Mix it up. Don't make it about one subject. And since its a back and forth game, it does not feel like an inquisition. For this situation some good scenarios are:
-"What if we were in the mall and a guy/girl I knew came up and was acting really flirty with me in your presence, what would you do?"
-"What if you had a coworker that was interested in you and came onto you every day and I had no idea about them. What would you do?" etc.
As each question is answered, foster an environment where you can talk about why you feel the way you feel. That way these are all things you have talked about and know what the other person expects from you.

4) Don't Set Up Impossible Situations and Expectations
This goes hand in hand with the expectations you set. Be realistic. Don't set your partner up in situations that are lose-lose.On one hand just no there is no way for your partner to avoid everyone that thinks they are attractive. On the opposite end, don't sign your partner up for a retreat where the coworker that likes them will share a cabin with them either. Being too jealous or too condoning just sets up an atmosphere of a confused relationship. And in a confused relationship, the wrong things gets done alll the time. One example is the phone checking. I hear people say all the time that they check their mate's phone but don't like their mate to check theirs. That's ludicrous. Ask yourself if you were in the situation your partner is would you be comfortable with the rule you set... That's a good way to gage.

5) Remind Them Why They Chose You
If you are feeling threatened... instead of focusing on the relationship between them and mystery person, focus on your own relationship. Bring back the spark. Be romantic. Show them the times they loved to spend with you. Be genuine and loving. Cook them a meal or put on those extra high heels or dapper suit. Try something you guys have been meaning to try. Plan a vacation or a quiet evening home and reaffirm why you two are together. Its good for both of you to see that you made a good choice in staying together.

6) Enjoy Yourself
Too much of life is spent worrying about things we have little control over. At the end of the day (I know it hurts), if they want to cheat on you, they probably will. And if they don't, they will not. So stop worrying over something that has not even and may not even happen. Enjoy your time spent with your significant other. Don't punish your relationship because of fear. Create an environment where you love to be and others will love to be there also.

Hope This Helps,
Classic

The OTHER people in your relationship. Part II: The Inner Circle

Let's face it. It would be really nice to eliminate the world's expectations for your relationship. How nice would it be to just pick each other and ride off into the sunset simple as that. Well, if you're going about your relationship like that you are bound for some uncomfortable surprises as your significant other meets the other people of your life and you meet the other people who are in their lives.

These other people can be in the form of various people and all should be treated differently. I will give you a guide on how to specifically manage and interpret each one of these individual categories... Let's focus on the second intruder: The Inner Circle.

Having an inner circle of blood relatives and close friends is a necessity for a healthy life. Friends enrich you as well as keep you grounded. Family reminds you of who you are. True friends are hard to find and are worth holding onto. Good family structure is to be cherished and upheld. But family and friends are still human. They lead completely separate lives than you do. Sometimes even their best attempts and advice can wreak havoc in your life.

#1: Keep the Details to Yourself
This is a warning. You should never tell anyone every single detail of your relationship. One, it is just disrespectful to your partner to converse with others about their personal business. Two, in anger we tend to vent but the people we vent to dont forget just because we forget. Anything you say will be held against your partner. If you don't want that to happen, don't tell them. Your family and friends love you. They never want to see you hurt,so it is engrained in them to dislike people that hurt you. So unless you like awkward dinners and parties, keep the inner working of your disagreements to yourself. Now if you truly feel the relationship is over then its healthy to tell people, do you have to be certain there is no chances for reconcilliation.

#2: Discern What Advice To Keep and What Advice to Discard
Good friends and family usually come with good advice. Even if the advice is good, if you are not ready to take it, DO NOT TAKE IT. Sometimes in life we have to do things at our own place. If you feel like your relationship is in a bad place but you just are not ready to let it go, use your own timeline. You do not want to end up resenting a friend that was just trying to help just because you rushed into something you were not willing to do. Family is an even harder one to sort out. Remember that your family members love you but they are also bonded to you for life so they will not hold their tongues in telling their opinions. I mean, what are you going to do? Leave them? probably not. So everything they tell you, you have to expect them to have a little more bite with their talks. But try to take away from it the underlying message.


Ways to Know Good Advice From Bad Advice
-Know the People Around You: If you really think about it, you already know who has your best interests at heart. Be more ready to hear their advice than self serving others.Though their love for you does not necessarily make them right, they usually have something to say that you need to hear
- Hurting People Hurt People:
Recognize the state in which the advice was given. When people are in a depressed state, their advice is usually depressing. It is not so much the state of life of the person but the state of emotion. Alot of people get this confused. Your single friends can give great advice. Your involved friends can give awful advice. Don't look so much at whether or not they are in a relationship but rather if they are happy and confident in general. Happy confident people give the best advice (This is not to be confused with pseudo confidence and putting on a show however). Usually if you think about it hard enough you know which ones of your friends enjoy their lives and live it to the best of their ability and those friends should be your advice sources.
- Everybody Is Not Wrong: Repetition is your friend. We all have blinders on when it comes to our mates. It serves you well to know this. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. Everyone is not going to like your significant other nor are they required to, but when NO ONE close to you likes your relationship, there usually is a reason. Most relationships are not worth losing everyone around you.

#3: Be Your Own Person:
If you like someone and they are good to you, they deserve the respect of having a fighting chance in a relationship with you. And you deserve to see it through. I have seen countless relationships ruined because a friend or family member didn't like the individual because of something that is more congruent with their own standards. They do not have to date them...You do.


Lastly, if you are having a problem between your friends and family and your significant other and it is not caused by their treatment of you, there are ways to mend these relationships...
1. Respect your partner: If you respect them, other people will. The opposite is also true. Let the ones around you know that you will stand firm beside them as long as they are with you. The people around you will respond to this united front by at least being more tolerant of your mate for fear of your disregard.
2. Create situations for fun gatherings: Let the people around you see how much fun your mate can be. Let them interact with them not as your boyfriend/girlfriend but as a member of the group. This eases tensions and provides chances for individual relationships to form (This is especially imperative in Mom/girlfriend and Dad/boyfriend bonding).
3. Be happy: Honestly, the people around you love you. If you are happy, that will shine through. And the reason for your happiness will also become clear as well.


Hope This Helps,
Classic

The OTHER people in your relationship Part 1:The Friendly Temptation

Let's face it. It would be really nice to eliminate the world's expectations for your relationship. How nice would it be to just pick each other and ride off into the sunset simple as that. Well, if you're going about your relationship like that you are bound for some uncomfortable surprises as your significant other meets the other people of your life and you meet the other people who are or WANT TO BE in their lives.

These other people can be in the form of various people and all should be treated differently. I will give you a guide on how to specifically manage and interpret each one of these individual categories. But it will take me a while so bear with me. Right now we will focus on the first intruder: The Friendly Temptation.

We live in a see and get it world. Everything is at our grasps. As things become more available we become more spoiled and less grateful for things that we have, similar to the antics of a trust fund baby. Along with this comes everyone being a call, text, email, etc. away. See back before instant communications, someone would have to think before going outside your relationship. But in the haze and discomfort after an argument with a significant other, our altered states of mind do not mix with the temptation so close at our fingertips. Before you know it, "Are you up?" has been texted and the door is open. Sadly, most people don't cheat with a stranger, its usually a male or female just close enough to get in there.

So let's talk about the Friendly Temptation. This is someone who presents themselves in a non threatening friendly manner in your life. This person may even KNOW you are in a relationship but deep down, they would much rather be with you themselves. This is dangerous because the intentions of the other person may not be for the sustainment of your current relationship. You can find yourself in positions where you have undue influence from an outside force on your situation.

Ways to Spot Dissention In the Ranks
These are Ways to Spot if you are dealing with a friend or a friendly temptation:
1) The person always has a negative reaction to the mention of your significant other. Its ok to have a friend not particularly care for your mate but if they have too much emotion about it, they may have hidden feelings for you that will surface later.
2) When you are fighting with your mate, the person urges you to them and away from your significant other. "Awww you two are fighting, come to my house, spend the day with me." and this happens for a period of time. There is never any mention of how you could possibly work it out with your partner.
3) They are "out of line" on occasion. You often find them a little too close to you. They are very hands on. They talk about sex or sexual things too often for comfort.
4) You have a past with them. Very few people can conquer sleeping with you and getting past it enough to be a true friend. Not saying it can't be done but more likely than not, there are still some feelings there, sexual, emotional, or otherwise.
But there are some ways to combat these temptations in your life so that you won't lose the most important person in your life.

1) Engage in a think before you act lifestyle
This is just a way to live. Make sure that before you even put yourself into situations that could prove complicated, you just take a second and review your options. Most mistakes are only made in the heat of the moment. Once the moment is over, the "correct" decision always seems so clear. Thinking beforehand eliminates that heat. So after a fight, just stop and think: "What should I do now?" Go somewhere and take a moment. What you should do will reveal itself.

2)Know Who's Who
It always seems like a good idea in theory to have male and female friends and remain cordial with exes while in a relationship but few people have these relationships in a healthy space. Let's be honest, you know who wouldn't mind getting with you and those crushes may seem innocent but ask yourself, would you want someone with these feelings this close to your significant other? If the answer is no, you may want to distance yourself slightly. Your real friends will respect your relationship space. Any opposite sex people in your life should always a) know about your relationship and b) respect your relationship. People that are not respecting your relationship are not respecting you. Don't get suckered into the late night comfort sessions that so easily get people into trouble. Taking advantage of a weakness in your relationship to get with you is a character trait that probably doesn't make them a good friend candidate anyway. Know the people around you's true intentions. This is not to say that you cannot have ANY opposite sex friends but it is a tightrope act best left for your most dedicated and truest friends. You don't want to end up ruining your relationship because someone in your life set it up to be ruined.

3)Set the Boundaries
Now that your opposite sex friends know about your relationship, you need to set boundaries about your new situation. It may be a little awkward to talk about things of this nature with your friend but it makes for less confusion down the line. There needs to be a certain list of actions that are off limits like calling after a specific time or using certain language or words (honey sweetie baby etc.). Basically make them understand that though you value their friendship, your relationship is a high priority in your life and you are committed to making it work. Trust me, your real friends will have no problem making these adjustments for you. There's never any love lost between me and my male friends simply because they have found love. But then again, I don't secretly want them either.

4) Open Communication & Set Emergency Plans
Open Communication is the key to a great relationship point blank. If you are in bed with an individual, you should be able to tell them anything, right? But most people rarely talk in their relationships. Be real with one another. Make it common knowledge that anything the other person has to say will be welcomed and contemplated on your end. This will facilitate patching things after arguments. When those conflict arise, you will be more likely to find each other and talk it out. Another good way to keep communication lines open is to figure out what I like to call Emergency Plans. Emergency plans are those plans you get together early in the relationship. Don't be afraid to ask them "Well what if we do fight, how do you want us to handle it?" Then you will know not only HOW they act when they are angry but the best ways to combat that from the horse's mouth. Having rules in place like "Don't go to bed mad, if something is on your mind, talk to me" are excellent in fostering a communication friendly atmosphere. Like is always said, closed mouths don't get fed and in relationships, closed mouths don't make it to anniversaries.


Overcoming temptation is one of the hardest but most rewarding things to do. As William Butler Yeats says: “Every conquering temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.” You owe it to your relationship and to your own morals to give it a fighting chance. Your friends in your life can prove their devotion to your friendship by adapting to a new role in your life that respects your relationship. If they can't, you know their true intentions and can deal accordingly. After all, you would want the same consideration from your significant other and the people in their life, right?

Hope this helps,

Classic

Get Better, Not Bitter

Some relationships are just terrible. They rob you of your abilities to believe in the basic things your mother taught you. You always believed that being a "good woman" or a "good man" would keep any relationship but everything still blew up in your face. You mull over in your head the what if the what couldas and the what shouldas but you come up empty of any profound reason you should have been treated the way you were treated. So you get angry, you get frustrated, you get BITTER.

We live in a generation of playing the field, where individuals are experimenting with what they like. Now more than ever before we have the luxury of casual dating. But with casual dating also comes the luxury of easy release. It is just so easy to love someone and leave someone without any regards for the other person. Society doesn't even bat an eyelash at cheating, arguments,and cruel treatment. Sometimes its easier to just leave than explain to someone why you don't want them or what it is that you are looking for. Sometimes, the person doesn't even know what they want. But if you are constantly the person on the other end. The person getting left instead of leaving themselves yet you know you have a pretty good set of skills under your belt that should lead to you being a good catch, its hard not to get bitter. Its hard not to look at the circumstances and declare that you will always be single and act accordingly. But don't let your nobody let you miss out on your somebody. One of the most important AND most attractive things an individual can possess is hope. Frankly, Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh was just annoying. Nobody wants to be around someone who is constantly negative and that's where bitter gets ya. But don't worry, here's a bit of knowledge to help you keep the faith.


1. Bitter is inevitable in certain situations. Focus On The Length of Time: Yeah I said it. Its OK to be bitter, just don't stay bitter. Sometimes in life situations happen to you that are so heinous that you have to vent those negative emotions. But don't focus on trying not to be bitter. Give yourself time to air out those negative emotions, just don't STAY in that dark place. Have some time out male bashing or female bashing with the friends over a cocktail. But on your angry break up music to do gym time to. Cry to your mom or dad about the state of the world. Its OK and its natural. But this should only go on for a certain period of time. You cannot cry forever. At some point the release is over and you're just making yourself more miserable. A good indicator of that point? When you start to repeat yourself. If you start to say the same thing over and over again, PULL YOURSELF OUT OF BITTER LAND. How do you do this?

2. PLEASE Do Not Date: I think I have to say it again DO...NOT...DATE. You need time alone. You need time to evaluate what you want and what you need and how those things have changed since your last relationship. Dating other people is good under some circumstances (see other blog posts) but when you are bitter, you are practically one or two more messed up relationships away from disaster and until you are in a better state, don't press your luck. Its kind of like being a pro athlete and getting a minor injury that keeps you out of 3 games. You're sitting out because if you tax your body, it will lead to a BIGGER injury that may take your career away from you. Have you noticed rebound guys are usually not people we even like that much? The only reason you are talking to them is because your emotions are spilling from one relationship to the next. So you already know the situation is going to lead to a blow up. Then you go from a sprain to an all out tear and you are not help to anyone at that point. And don't get me started on how unfair and how much damage you can do in your bitter state of mind to that other person. Bitter breeds bitter ya know.

3. Make Yourself Better:Instead, Increase Your Mental Toughness and Stability. Since you are by yourself, use this time to be selfish. Your self esteem is already lower than usual. The equation for bitterness: (Lowered Self Esteem + Pity + Anger= Bitterness). Before you enter into another compromising relationship as all relationships are, use this time to get things accomplished. Don't pity yourself. Pity anyone who didn't want you because you're not Vista, you are Windows 7 moving on to bigger and better things. It helps you get back to a neutral state. You can't feel used if you are filling yourself up. Get back in school, get back in the gym, get back in church, get back around the friends and family. Make a conscious effort to boost your own ego. Not only is confidence sexy, it is a necessary attribute to get over things. You can tell yourself "Yeah they didn't want that me but this me ain't nothing to play with." Make You 2.0. The You that is stronger, sexier, more mature, and better equipped. Trust me, finding better people will be easier because you'll exude the essence to attract better matches.

4. Get Back Out There. Lastly, after some time by yourself (I'm not talking weeks, its usually more like months to a year so be patient :)) you have to get back out there. Don't be a hermit, show that new you off. Don't be scared. Know that during your time "sitting on the bench", you've analyzed the game and worked on strategies to make yourself better acclimated to the craziness we call dating. You have a better knowledge of what you want and don't want and you feel good about yourself. You've restored hope and hope shines.

We've all been through "why me?" situations in our lives but remember just because you have a right to be bitter does not mean you should be. After all who are you hurting but yourself? As cliche as it sounds, you can only be you so why punish you? If you vent, spend time with your numero uno, go through some betterment procedures and some mental toughness drills, and THEN go back out there, I can promise you a new level of man or female will take notice. And so will that ex, though obviously too late ;)


Hope This Helps!
-Classic

Love Defined

Love is one of those topics that everyone becomes increasingly interested in as we grow. Its this idea of an emotion that is so strong it connects us with the object of our affection. Its strength is our curiosity and its attainment is our quest. Humans want to be loved. We have an innate thirst for it. As Mother Theresa so eloquently put it:There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation in
this world than for bread. I am not here to put a definition on the word love. Quite the contrary, I love that it means so many different things to different people. It can be expressed and felt in countless ways. But I see alot of people mistaking other things for love as well. I wanted to share some observations I have made to help you craft your own definition of what is needed for you to love and be loved.


Love has levels. Love is different. Love needs a personal touch.
Every person you love should not and probably is not on the same level. For me, my love for God and my love for my parents are my oldest and strongest loves. But just because love has levels does not mean any level of love demeans the others, they are just different. The love you have for each person in your life has to be individually crafted. I love my friends, I love my family, I love humanity in general. I love people in Haiti, Korea, and China, I've never met before. Is it the same level as my mother? No. But that's ok. As you begin to open yourself to love, it encompasses your life. Opening yourself up to it brings in other emotions like empathy, compassion, hope, and fairness. After a while, people will be drawn to you because you can feel love on even the most basic of levels.

Love is not to be rationed.
I am always so thankful I grew up in a household of strong yet LOVING parents. I got constant love in both action and word form. It makes a difference. The world can be cruel and that great thing about love is that it can take an edge off the whippings of the world. So if you have someone that you claim to love, telling them how you feel and backing up those feelings should come often. Its great affirmation and sometimes after a bad day, its just needed. Love is one of those things you can't hold in. True love comes out, where it should be.

Love withstands time & distance.
In a finicky fair weather society, many people are claiming to love you yet you can't find them minutes after their revelation. Love is not a quick flame but a slow burn. If you find that when someone is out of your face, they no longer impact your thoughts or feelings, what you felt for them was probably along the lines of the feelings of conquest, passion, lust, or infatuation. Those fade. Love is an attachment you feel in any moment regardless of the space that separated you or the time apart.

Love isn't THAT hard.
Now this one is a biggie. If you find yourself in a constant struggle with an individual who is supposedly the object of your love and you theirs, you are probably dealing with a mimic emotion (I named them earlier: the feelings of conquest, passion, lust,infatuation, etc.) These emotions create the "warm fuzzy" feeling of love but one thing those cannot mimic is love's tranquility. When struggles arise, the mimic emotions make you even more confused and more agitated. Love, not only music ;), usually soothes the savage beast in us all. It makes us limit the damage we inflict on the other individual and weigh out consequences. Love is not confusion. Nor will it ever be.

Love goes hand in hand with other concepts. Love rarely acts alone and since love is so hard to spot on its own, you can look for its companions to help discern it from the mimic emotions. One companion concept of love is respect. Respect and love go hand in hand. I argue that love cannot exist without respect in its presence. Respect is defined as a feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem, I.e. preferential treatment. Respect is what keeps me from hurting an individual and love is the reason for the respect. Because if I don't respect the person that I love, what makes me love them?

Another concept is companionship. Companionship is just a fancy friendship. Its a little more complicated than a regular friendship because of the time and energy expelled. Just valuing time spent with that person above others is a great avenue for love. If you don't like conversing or spending time with your partner, how can you compile the path of emotions that lead up to the Big L?

The last concept is trust. Trust and love don't HAVE to coexist but its such a rockier road with it. Trust is often needed for love because it is trust that allows you to open your heart to receive and give the love. Its hard to love when you believe your partner is capable of ANYTHING under the sun. Though the two are almost mutually exclusive, but they often play on one another. Lack of trust can sometimes squeeze love to its barest minimum.

So, in world in which we don't like to take L's, I implore you to try love. Its a challenging venture regardless of the person you give it to but without it life is less colorful. It is our ability to love that gives us most of our happiness. So on your journey to love whether it be romantic or otherwise, take heed to my words so that you'll create love and be able to discern love from other emotions that have like hues. This topic is going to take me a few blogs to complete but as I sign off, I encourage you to just love humanity and everyone around you. As I stated love does not have to and should not be rationed. Give it freely. You may encounter some times when your love isn't returned but see if that same love doesn't eventually return to you.

I love you all. Hope this helps.
-Classic

Questions: Wifey Material

Every now and then I tackle questions to put my spin on issues I hear around the way. I was asked these two questions:What is wifey material? and why do men use it as an excuse to not be with someone? So ladies, lets examine shall we?

What is wifey material?
Well I know one thing, it is NOT necessarily wife material. Wifey is a noun created for women who are acting too closely to a position they have not and may never serve for a person. A wifey for all intensive purposes is a very tired, overworked girlfriend. Girlfriends and wives serve two diverging, distinct positions. A girlfriend shows her man who she is as an individual: the personality, the skills that make you the special woman that he needs. A wife is a more serving role as a husband is. Since both of you have combined your lives, you then function as a unit. The reason the faithfulness and service is not as hard as a wife is because of the halo of security a marriage brings. You are not only a wife but you have a husband. Wifey does not have a husband. I have seen girls berated for acting like girlfriends instead of wives when they have no rings and it is baffling. Because you cannot live with me, it is a bad thing? People that play house often don't get the house. Sounds to me like you need a wife and you haven't offered me that position. Who wants to do more work for less pay and benefits?

In my experience wifey material DOES NOT MATTER.
I know everyone is going to be up in arms about that one but let me explain. I did not say wifey material does not EXIST. There are women out there who possess qualities that make them more attractive as "wifeys", but those traits and that definition are like beauty- there's an undeniable "society standard" but most of it is in the eye of the beholder.

Men Do What They Want.
From what I have found, men still pick at the end of the day who they want whether they be societally "wifeable" or not. Women do not give men enough credit for this decision because men don't want the credit. Alot of times it is easier to say that a decision is due to either society or your lack of conviction instead of making a firm stand. The reason why its easier?-accountability. For example, not dating someone because society says they shouldn't be together or playing mum until the person leaves you places the responsibility of the situation in someone else's hands. I'm going to be real with you ladies for a second. A man that really wants you will stop at nothing to have you. A man who is on the fence will be the one with excuses. Yes, your man is romantic. Yes, your man could woo you. Yes, your man does know how to make you happy. If he is dragging his feet, it is certainly not because he does not know HOW. So if he isn't, what's the excuse?

EXCUSES
I've fallen for it before too but please believe that the excuses are just that. So next time you hear "Baby, I can't be with you because you are too good a woman for me", "Baby, I can't be with you because you're not wifey material," "Baby, I just am not vibing with you", know that these things have NEVER stopped a man before. For example, look at Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian. Sorry, but you would think a man with such a sweet demeanor and presence would never be caught dead with a proverbial porn star on his arm. Make you think? It should. Man will wife women with reputations, unattractive women, crazy women if that is what they WANT to do. So that only leaves what you allow yourself to be worth.

If Not Wifey Then What?
Women, we have got to create better standards for ourselves on how we want to be treated. We're so interested in conquering a man we forget to ask ourselves if we really want the spoils of war! Do you really want to be with a man that is just so so about you with no conviction? Do you really want to be "wifey material" when you could be more? Instead of focusing on the traits that could make a man fall in love, focus on traits that can make you fall in love with yourself. Being confident, having standards, and not backing from those standards will show the world and men how you should be treated and in turn you will be treated as such. Set REASONABLE expectations and if your expectations are not met, don't be afraid to leave. People will be able to see the dignity and class. You won't have to work so hard for "wifey respect." I meet amazing successful beautiful insightful women that are so desperate their actions paint them as lower than they should ever be classified. There is going to be a man out there that will at least try to move Heaven and Earth for you. And it will be because you are what he wants. If you do not have a man like that, chances are he would be like that with someone else and someone else would be like that for you. Don't block your true happiness.

We should all stop this quest to be wifey material and start the quest 2 other quests: the quest to make you the best you can be all the way around and the quest (if you're looking) for the man that loves you regardless. He will by default think you are worthy to be valued and honoured.

The question series is a littler harsher than the Information Series but hopefully, it has an audience. I always welcome comments and more questions for the blog. Follow me on twitter (kennedae) and follow the blog.

Happy Presidents Day & Hope It Helps!

-Classic

The Relationship Time Effect

Everyone has heard some story about how the slightest decisions in life can create completely different life patterns. Knowing this it always befuddled me how huge decisions in people's lives can be made without reflection and time considerations. So sticking with the 2009 relationship theme,we'll muddle through the Relationship Time Effect. Time is the biggest friend and foe that we encounter in life. In a good relationship, time is your friend strengthening and building your bond with your partner. But in temporary situations, the longer you are with the person, the more they can affect your life, in every way imaginable. Any and every relationship takes work and there is no real way to tell the extent to which a person will become important in life until they have actually taken that position. However there are some reminders I want to give my good readers so they won't waste their time:

1) Relationships no matter how big or small ALWAYS have an effect on you. They set the standard for relationships to come. No matter how temporary the person is, they can still wreak havoc on your emotional and mental systems. It is very important to remember that BEFORE any relationship is formed. Ask yourself if you want that person's influence in your life. I'm also guilty of the classic "I'm not trying to marry this guy/chick" speech to my friends, but regardless that man or woman WILL have an effect on how you will treat your future more serious relationships. Understand,experimentation is completely normal and healthy to a certain extent. But make your experiments QUALITY experiments so that even if they do not work out, you've learned some important discoveries. To put it plain, what is the point of dating a man with absolutely NO redeeming qualities? That's like going into the lab with an experiment with no importance to science and being shocked when your lab blows up and you've wasted your precious time and millions of dollars. (As you can see I'm getting ready for school again :) )

2) Don't hold on for dear life when your life is at stake. We all feel a sense of ownership with individuals we have been involved with. I know myself personally, the hardest thing when I get out of a relationship is not losing them per say but the idea that I will no longer be important to them nor they to me. I'm being honest and you should too. Many people are just together because they don't want someone else to get them and they don't want to be forgotten or unimportant. Remember the Butterfly Effect though. Each moment you spend with this person when you know it should be over is a moment stolen from someone else who was supposed to be in your life at that time. My mother used to always tell me: "God is a gentleman. He is going to let you do whatever you want with your life. We all have free will." So for all the people waiting for a physical push to get away from the person you're with, most of the time you will be sorely disappointed. You only get one life. Time is precious. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR AND YOUR PARTNER'S LIVES. And changing the flow of your life. Time has a way of making things happen. Joining of assets happens, KIDS happen, Emotional dependence happens. Especially with us ladies, we are programmed to enjoy and reward the time someone has been with us. If those aforementioned things scare you if they happened with your current partner, you're probably going to terminate the relationship at some point and have wasted precious TIME.

3) You have the right to know if you are wasting you time. If you do believe you've found a great person. Ask them questions. Don't be afraid to ask them what life time their on. When do they see themselves settling down? When do they see themselves reaching a certain level in their life? I'm shocked how many people don't have that conversation. It may be awkward but you will know what you are dealing with instead of waking up 3 years later in a relationship that you will eventually have to end. And trust me if you have to break up a long affair, you WILL be more bitter than when you started that said affair.

We all know the longer you stay with an individual, the harder it is to leave them. The more you have invested, the more ownership you feel, the harder the breakup, the less logistic it becomes. What people don't think about is the physical emotional and spiritual time you invested with the person. The longer you're with the individual the more they change you as a person. Don't let a right now person change you so much that your real partner won't recognize you when its time. Remember everything you do in life has a temporal consequence. You cannot spend the same time twice. Time is the most precious thing you have. Hope this helped.

-Classic!

New topic in 2010. Being the best woman or man you can be. On to Self-Growth. Stay Encouraged.

Old School Courting versus New School Talking

So as we come off of the good food and family time known as the Thanksgiving holiday, I thought a tradition blog would fit quite snugly into the mood. After dinner, I spoke to my grandmother about the state of the world. And she said something profound: just because its old school just means you'll get greater results today with a little tweaking. It got me thinking about relationships, particularly old school courting versus new school talking. So let's examine shall we? As usual I'll give you a couple of points to think about as your proceed through your regular scheduled programming:

1) Traditional courting had its worth. There was a method to the madness of taking a woman out, dating for months without attachment, then making a relationship ONLY if a true connection was felt. For example, taking a partner out on dates outside of each others comfort zones places both people in an equal state of awkwardness. The "watching a movie" phenomenon sets us negative views of each other and social dominance in the hands of whoever's house it is. It also makes the situation entirely too intimate. Both people are portrayed in a slightly negative light and it is not a healthy mindset in which to grow respect and eventually love. Dating for a couple of months without attachment allows the relationship to proceed at a normal rate of maturity. Letting someone into your life in a high role too fast makes you more obligated to stay with them when you shouldn't just to not disrupt the peace and structure of your life.

In this set up, you can date other people (one or two, don't go overboard) and get a feel for what you truly desire in a relationship, all while being honest to every party involved. Lastly, when you did decide to enter a relationship with the individual, all other strings need to be cut (do I need to say that again?) to allow proper breathing room for the new budding relationship you are now apart of.

2) Know the rules of your actions. Alot of people don't know some rules of the game they are playing, including me. So let me address a few game changers I have heard or experienced in the past. If these hurt a little, it's OK. We're growing.

"I pay for everything. Why do they not want to be with me?" - Money and love are not the same thing. In fact the person you are spending on is probably a) using you b) afraid you are trying to buy them off, or c) just do not respect the game you are playing. No one that is not married should be spending their rent checks on their significant others. And I sincerely hope you are with someone who would not ask you to.

"We had sex the first night we met. Can I build a relationship?" - My best friend and I call them "ho moments" and most of us, men and women, have them. But there are consequences. More often than not, a negative picture gets painted concerning your overall character (yes men you too) and a painted picture is HARD to wash off a canvas. Your partner may not feel as bad about leaving or cheating on you. So be ready for some type of backlash down the road or just take a ho moment like a champ and do it right with the next partner.

"We cheated to be together. Can our relationship make it?" - NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! Call it karma, call it God,call it Murphy's Law. You can't do wrong and get right.

"My partner cheated on me. Can we get back the relationship we had before?" - The answer is NO there as well I'm afraid. But understanding the circumstances of their cheating makes a difference on whether or not the relationship can make it. If you honestly feel like your partner made a poor judgment and you do not see a flawed character profile, you CAN build a healthy new relationship from the ashes of the old. But let me say this: most of us are far too young to deal with the drama of re-patching a relationship. Its like repairing a TV when you have the money in your pocket to get a new one. The new one will give you more peace of mind.

Now there are many other game changers but that's for another blog so let's keep flowing through this one. Now, once you've established a traditional relationship mindset, don't forget the following:

1) Take a break from being futuristic. In no other time have we had access to people, places and things we haven't seen in 10 years. I'm friends with two of my exes on facebook and I haven't seen them since we broke up. With all the potential drama in our technology driven lives, it's always good to just get away. Turn off your phones for a night and have a rooftop dinner or go to a cabin. Good old fashioned couple time is always a type of cement for a relationship.

2) Assess the true value of your relationship. A good woman or man is going to be a little more work but ALOT more rewarding. Don't get sucked into a relationship just because it's an easy arrangement where you do not have to do anything. Temporary situations can become permanent faster than you ever thought imaginable. Be smart. Ask yourself if you see yourself ending up with the person you're with. If you can't, why waste time like that? That's the equivalent of saying: " I want to be a teacher but umm I think I'm going to go to medical school, even though I hate science." Does that make sense? Well your situation shouldn't either.

3) Be courteous. It does not take away from being an independent man or woman to do nice things for your partner. I do not mean spending heaps of money (refer to earlier). If you know your partner's favorite candy, pick it up for them because they had a long day. If you're busy take some time out your schedule to just call and have a long talk with them. Learn a new recipe in their favorite cuisine style and let them try it. People have forgotten how far little gestures go. Its a sweet way to remind someone you are in their corner in a self absorbed society.

At the end of the day, though they may seem antiquated, old school relationship rules are great guidelines you can patchwork into new ways of dating. Food for thought.

-Classic

Stop the Make-Up and Break- Up: Getting Through The Pain

This is the guide to deal with your feelings after the breakup.
8 Steps to Conquering the Merry-Go-Round!

Regardless of what your relationship did or did not have, there is usually discomfort or even pain after a relationship is over. The key is dealing with that pain in a constructive rather than destructive manner.

Step 1: Pain Cometh!
The first step is realizing you will feel some pain even when the breakup was your idea. It is very very common. This pain, as sometimes surmised, DOES NOT USUALLY MEAN YOU REALLY WISH TO STAY WITH THE INDIVIDUAL. Pain can come from several surfaces. You can be scared of the future, uncertain about your own shortcomings, stressed by the sheer severity of the break-up, and many others; all which produce mimic pain. If you can deal with these, you can cut the pain off from the root of the problem instead of finding yourself in a constant merry go round with a person you should have broken up with a long time ago.

Step 2: Don't Be Afraid to Feel
As corny as it sounds, don't be afraid to feel. Alot of people are emotional wimps. They will not break up with people to avoid that pain post break-up. This is the equivalent of letting your arm rot off to infection because you are scared of needles. You're letting a much bigger problem fester because you won't walk through a moment of discomfort. We all know the longer you stay with someone, the more attached you become. Not just your feelings, but your lives. So if you find yourself from make-up to break-up and back again, ask yourself: is this someone I want to be permanent in my life because that is where this is headed!

Step 3: Stop the Connection
This is important! Everyone is different, but in my experience most people cannot handle talking to their exes post breakup. So if you feel it is difficult for you to even converse with them, dont be afraid to lose their number, delete a facebook friend, and unfollow a twitter account because exes are notorious for skewing your view of the universe. Don't set yourself up for failure and talking to exes is usually more of a trial than a pleasure anyway. Remember as humans, we have selective memory. We will remember all the hugs and flowers and not the arguments. If you cut off the connection, it will be much easier to remember why you are no longer together.

Step 4: Let Them Go!
Yes your exes are going to be with other males or females. They may even be the people that helped cause the demise of your break-up. Alot of times, the one left hurting is the one who is left with noone. Lonliness and territorial behavior is a killer combo. It is this combination more than anything that keeps couples together. Even songs say it: "I don't want to be with her but I can't stand to see her with someone else." So expect that they have moved on, so that if you have evidence of that, you do not take it to heart. Always remember they are your ex for a reason and trust that something better is coming for you. Patience is a virtue and virtues don't come cheap. Don't settle for Mr. Right Now simply because you don't want Mrs. Worse getting him. Trust me: Mr. Right Now and Mrs. Worse wont even cross your mind when Mr./Mrs. Right shows up at your door.


Step 5: Impulse Control
Poor impulse control is the framework for most actions people regret later. If you find yourself calling your ex or showing up at your ex's house, take a minute and think if you even have a reason. The heat of the moment will dissipate. Impulse control is the hardest to conquer so the last three step are dedicated to how you can curve the urges.

Step 6: Stay Active
Even though not the healthiest method, staying active is my personal favorite. After all there is only 24 hours in the day. Catch up on things you love to do or get really into your new business or school projects. At the end of the day, you will be not only too busy for impulses, you will also start to feel better and get more done. When those promotions and grades start rolling in, they help you realize that life goes on and can be successful without that past individual.

Step 7: Reward Yourself
You've been through a trying time. You deserve some personal TLC. Take yourself to a spa, take your friend out to lunch, go to a game or concert,take a personal day off of work and relieve some stress. The list goes on and on. Work hard then play hard is a good combination to feel revived. It is also a good morale booster.

Step 8: Stay Positive
So many people get bogged down in failure in this one relationship, they begin to doubt themselves as a whole. You, yeah you, are an amazing person. You have unique talents and character traits that make you, you. Focus on them, build those up, and move forward an even better person than before.
You will find someone else. Forget the man shortage, forget the lack of good women, you can and will find someone who is a better fit for you than your last. Go out looking and smelling good and see if people don't notice. You'll soon realize that other people in the world would love to have you on their arm.


Just remember, pain is a natural emotion after change. Be prepared and follow steps to come out on the other end a stronger, more resilient person. See failed relationships as molders and not destroyers. The rest of your life is waiting.

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” —M. Kathleen Casey

-Classic